My earliest memories are tainted with shame. Tainted like the dark, murky water my hands were submerged in now as I scrubbed fervently. I was gasping, breath ragged and halting, as tears streamed down my face freely. I wiped the snot from my upper lip with my sleeve and desperately tried to regain control of my lungs.

Shame had controlled my life, nearly every waking moment, ever since my parents had begun to snap at me and giving me that frustrated look I knew far too well. Ever since they had begun to hide me, hide my hands from everyone around them.

My breath was steadying now, belabored still but without the shuddering. I pulled my dripping hands out of the cool water and watched the shimmering black water swirl enchantingly. I hated it.

I lifted the basin in both hands with a slight struggle and knelt down to pour the liquid down the nearly invisible drain, inlaid into the dusty white and red marble floor tiles. It was a luxury only the Institute could afford. It was a small miracle that my parents had managed to gather the funds needed to enroll me here. A miracle for them to be able to distance themselves so easily.

I lifted the basin back onto the vanity, gathered my breath for a moment, then raised the basin again and dipped it into the small aqueduct built into the wall behind the vanity. The aqueduct had flowing water fed by a series of cisterns for the entirety of the Institute. Unlike my hometown’s cistern, this one rarely went dry.

I glanced at the basin to the right of me, still dry and empty. It was considered good manners to fill it up after each use, doubly so when the water ran freely as it did now. Several fellow student came to mind immediately. With a huff, I pushed the pointless accusations out of my mind.

I returned my basin to it’s place on the vanity, now full of fresh water, then moved to the right and filled the other basin as well. I had yet to meet another student at the Institute that truly deserved that small kindness, but I was loathe to be ill-mannered all the same.

I did my best to wipe my face again, this time with my clean sleeve, to dry my tears.

As my hands mindlessly worked to make my face presentable, I thought back to when I had first arrived to the Institute. My father had come with me on the tour before the first semester had started, a rare and oddly kind gesture from him. In all the scolding that he had levied at me since childhood, I had forgotten that he might actually see me as his son and someone to support and protect.

Not that he put the scolding on hold for even a moment. As we had walked through the looming, imposing front entrance, he had subtly pulled my glove nearest to him more firmly onto my hand. It was already secure, but old habits...

And when I had asked the headmaster about seeing the dorms, my father shot me a glance. One that said “Don’t ask silly questions.” Had I confronted him about that look, he would probably say that he just wants me to succeed. And to succeed, I cannot stand out or make a nuisance of myself. Accept what is offered and no more. Don’t draw unneeded attention to myself, and don’t ask silly questions.

We had gone right to the dorms afterwards anyways. They were fantastic, as was everything else in the Institute. Spacious rooms, high arching ceilings, luxurious beds, individual wardrobes. Four students to a room unfortunately, which I had initially brushed off as no big deal. If only I had known who I would be sharing the room with for a full year.

The classrooms we walked through on the tour were somewhat antiquated, still using ancient squeaky chairs and hand-drawn maps on the wall. That was part of the charm in a way though. Everything was well built, to last a lifetime, and so was the educational content. A heavy course load, but every alum left the ten-year Institute with a strong foundation in general education. An expedited track over traditional high school and then university. And most importantly to my parents, a home away from home solely dedicated to learning.

Despite my frustration towards my parents, I was truly grateful to them for the opportunity.

My sense of wonder couldn’t be contained as we entered the double doors of the library, a two story, dusty labyrinth of leather bound books, tomes, scrolls on every crowded shelf. I had never seen a library that required a ladder before.

The indoor sports field was equally expansive and impressive— though I had less interest. I was loathe to perform physically around others, especially in the uniforms required. That would draw more attention to my gloves, ever present on my hands.

By the time we arrived to the cafeteria, chosen as the location for new students to socialize for that first day, the room was already bustling with students and parents. First we acquainted ourselves with the school grounds, and then with fellow students. A waste of time in my case, I would be remaining as secluded as possible for as long as possible. That was all I knew.

I glanced over at my father, instinctively ready to ask for permission to roam freely around the cafeteria, yet found that he was preoccupied with his barrage of questions levied at the headmaster. I took my chance to wander away, towards a nearby table filled with a variety of delightfully arranged hors d'oeuvres, crystal glasses filled with sparkling liquid, and decorations for the upcoming Auclinoc festival.

I was pleasantly surprised to see a few candy skulls among the adornments. I hadn’t seen that kind of candy since I was a child. In contrast, the deep orange, pink, and green plants and flowers arranged artfully around the table seemed more mature, and in line with the harvest aspect of Auclinoc.

With a cool drink now in one hand and a candy in the other, I smiled weakly at a few students passing by and glanced nervously around the room. Nearly every student was already in tightly knit circles, conversing, laughing, taking polite bites of hors d’oeuvres.

I grabbed a small plate for the skull and a few less childish foods, and turned again to more thoroughly scan the room. I met the eye of a cute guy in the corner, standing side-by-side with two other students. He grinned, and turned to talk to the other students. I took a half step forward, ready to make my way over– and then hesitated.

They were giggling as they snuck glances at me. I could feel the heat rising to my face immediately, though I fought to hide it behind a stern, disapproving look plastered on my face. I wonder where I learned that look from...

Draining my drink, I turned back to the table and set the empty cup and still full plate down. I wasn’t hungry really. And I was thoroughly unimpressed by what I saw of the other students anyways. Perhaps I would find a few friends some other day.

I found myself strolling back to my father, still conversing with the headmaster and now one other adult, with less questioning and much more small talk.

“I’ll be arranging my belongings in my new dorm.” I flippantly announced as I uncharacteristically continued past my father. I could practically see the vein in his forehead pulsing without even sparing him a look, and in an instant I was out the door.

I took a right turn out of the cafeteria and almost immediately arrived at the door to the boys’ dormitory wing. We were free to move around campus that day, though going forward there would be more stringent rules for wandering about. 

I was lucky enough to be placed in a room at the basement level, where it was cooler during the arid summers. My room was also closer to the lounge area and the showers, so I really didn’t mind the lengthy trek down the winding stairs. Though perhaps after a few months my mind would change.

While we had been touring throughout the vast classrooms and corridors of the Institute, a  staff member had transported our belongings to each dorm room. Meaning I would have a few books to pass the time. As I pushed open my door, I noticed I had been followed.

“Hey.” At the sound of his voice, I straightened apprehensively and turned. The attractive guy was standing a step away with his hand outstretched in a greeting. His school uniform was crisp, immaculate, a deep midnight black outlined with the red stitching of a first year. The colors of his outfit complimented his warm terracotta skin perfectly. “Sorry, I should have come over to introduce myself earlier. I’m Kirura.”

I stopped myself from staring at his precisely trimmed hair and returning his bright smile with a scowl. Our hands met in a stiff handshake. He kept a steady gaze, waiting.

“Uh, my name’s Anichi. Nice to meet.” I managed a lopsided smile while my hand dropped back down to my side. I had chosen to not worn my school uniform, having been too preoccupied with a paranoid fantasy of being the only one to show up in my uniform. Yet here I was, wallowing in the exact anxious feeling I had tried to avoid.

“To you as well. I was so excited when I heard a rumor we would have a student from the Sisao Outpost. I have never been that far south before.” I twitched when I heard him mention my hometown. This would be the first time facing their preconceived notions of my town being uncivilized, antiquated— “I heard there was a massive spring discovered just a few months ago near Sisao. Have you seen such a discovery? I must apologize ahead of time, I have so many questions. I am an enthusiastic gossip and will latch onto any news, especially from the south. Does your region suffer as many dust storms as we do?“

His smile had become a bit sheepish. A bit more... pure than before. I faltered for a second, but couldn’t help a cheery smile breaking out on my face in return.

“This is only my second time this far north, so I couldn’t say to be honest. I’ve only seen the one yesterday, far off in the distance, although I admit that one certainly looked fierce.” He nodded thoughtfully, as I stroked my chin deep in thought. “I did hear of a man discovering a spring flowing half a day outside of Sisao. That must have been quite a few months ago, it seems the news was a bit slow to reach you here. Although I heard it was entirely fake— and nothing ever came of it, so I’m sure it was nothing more than a rumor unfortunately.”

He looked wistfully away, then nodded slowly.

“Well, I will have plenty more questions at a later time, I’m sure. I don’t want to keep you. My room is across the hall.” He nodded in the direction of the door directly across from mine. “Let me know if you need anything Anichi. It was great to meet.”

“You as well.” I hurried into my room and closed the door behind me. I took a breath along with a moment to ponder the odd interaction, before deciding to shake it out of my thoughts and move on.

I found all of my belongings carefully placed at the foot of my bed. I looked around at the three other beds and tried to imagine what my roommates would look like while unpacking my clothes into the dresser next to my bed.

The room was symmetrical. Two communal desks with built in bookshelves stood against opposite walls, set between each pair of beds. At least the dressers helped provide just a hint of privacy between the beds and desk.

I had just finished unpacking when I heard a quiet knock on the door. On the other side was my father, his outer travel tunic on. His conversations had apparently run dry and he was shifting uncomfortably in front of me.

“First one to unpack, huh?” He made his way into the room, towards my bed, and sat on the edge while avoiding my eyes. I pulled the chair from the desk and sat across from him.

Several minutes passed in silence until he was able to meet my eye. His expression was soft and gentle. Loving. Somehow it didn’t seem to fit his wrinkled, weathered face. It also caught me entirely off guard.

“Good luck on your journey back.” I couldn’t hide the bitterness in my voice.

“Anichi...” I swiveled to face the bookshelf, and did my best to nonchalantly study the variety of books I had brought while he continued, “Your mother and I have done everything for your safety and benefit. I know... I understand your feelings on the matter. But I hope we have both made it clear that we love you.”

“I’ve already thanked you for the opportunity to study here.” The words were more venomous than I thought they would be. His silence filled the room for a belabored moment. I spared a glance to see his fingers rubbing his temple and a terse frown betraying his thoughts.

I sank a bit in my chair and felt my eyes grow warm as I stared much more intently at my books. I heard him get up, shuffle over to me and pat my shoulder softly. His hand lingered for a moment before he walked to the door. I thought I heard a quiet ‘goodbye’ as the door clicked shut. And it was silent once again.