This is bad. This is really, really bad. It's actually happening. What should I do? What is going to happen later?

Those words have been looping in my head since this morning. I can't even think of anything else. It all starts when Clara suddenly messages me, asking to meet tonight.

We have rarely kept in touch since we graduated from college and she moved out of town for her career. Of course, it is actually none of my business where she goes or when she comes home. And I intentionally stopped reaching out because I wanted her to forget about me. Even at our high school reunion five years ago, we only waved hi to each other before I immediately went home. I thought she was already done with me, but why is she still looking for me now?

Is this the time You have set to answer all my doubts, God? I ask myself as I walk the two-kilometer journey to the mall where we are supposed to meet.

On the way, I stop at a bakery to buy Clara a small chocolate cake... just in case God has a different plan for us tonight.

***

"Billy, hey!" Clara teases me from behind. "I've been standing here the whole time. Who on earth are you looking for?"

"Oh, hey! Haha, sorry, I didn't see you at all," I answer nervously, pretending to adjust my glasses. How could I even miss her? I wonder.

"My goodness, how are you? Are you still wearing that same jacket from high school?" Clara jokes as she shakes my hand. "And your hair... you definitely cut it yourself, didn't you? Still too lazy to go to a stylist?"

"Hahaha, you know me," I smile. I am used to her teasing.

"Let's go straight to our usual pizza place. I'm starving. And it's on me today—no more splitting the bill like the old days," she says.

"Yayy, thanks for the free meal!" I tease her.

At the restaurant, we talk a lot about the past. Of course, Clara does most of the talking, not me; she understands me so well. She is so humorous and I can't help but laugh at how smooth and bold her way of speaking is. I thought this meeting would be tense, but it feels normal—like we are just old friends with no deeper feelings at all.

Phew, this means I don't have to say anything to her, right, God? I feel relieved, but also a bit worried. If this is the scenario, it means I still have to struggle with 'that' other problem of mine all over again, doesn't it?

"I'm so happy we can eat together like the old times. Don't you think so?" Clara asks.

"Yes," I reply, unsure what else to add.

"Is that a real 'yes' because you missed me, or just a polite 'yes'?"

"I miss you too, you know," I say it seriously this time.

"You didn't miss me at all at the last reunion! I looked everywhere for you, but you had already gone home," she adds.

I grin awkwardly for a moment. "Sorry, that was because..." I pause, wondering if this is the right moment to explain everything.

"Haha, just kidding! I get it. You probably have a girlfriend or something, I'm okay with that," Clara says, trying to lighten the mood.

"What? I've never had a girlfriend," I clarify.

"For real? When are you ever going to tell me anything? I want to know who you like, too, you know! I'm always the one sharing—it's not fair."

Suddenly, we both go silent. This is it, this is really the moment... I have to tell her now, Bismillah, I mutter to myself.

But before I can speak, Clara quickly changes the subject. "Hmm, it's so cozy here, I don't even want to go home. I really miss us, you know. And you were always so indifferent. Aren't I just best friend material or what?"

She keeps going. "But hey, I actually have to head back tomorrow; my train is at 4:00, sigh. I just came here to pick up some documents at home."

I guess the moment is gone. Maybe God doesn't want it to happen. But honestly, I really want to tell her everything.

"Hey, do you notice anything different about me?" Clara asks suddenly.

Since I have been avoiding eye contact, I finally look at her properly.

"Oh, come on, you're hopeless!" she snaps because I am taking too long to answer. "I'm engaged now," she says, showing the ring on her finger.

"Oh... I didn't notice. Is that an engagement ring?"

Damn, I am glad I haven't told her anything yet.

"I don't know how you always got straight A's in school, dude," she jokes.

"Wait, hold on..." I stop her. I try to feel my heart. I count to five. One, two, three, four, five.

"What's wrong?" Clara asks, puzzled by my long silence.

I feel relieved. I realize I am not jealous at all to see her with someone else.

"Oh, it's nothing. So, who is the lucky guy?" I joke.

But immediately, I regret it. Arrgh.. Why do I have to ask that? You know this can trigger 'that' problem of yours again, don't you? I am mad at myself but I can't help it, I have to ask that question anyway, so...

"You won't believe it," Clara says as she excitedly shows me a photo of a man on her phone.

"Wait... really? Him? The guy you always—" I ask while shaking my head at her. I can't even finish my sentence because I'm not quite sure if it is really him.

"Yes, him," Clara nods with a smile.

"Wow."

I am shocked and speechless. At that exact moment, I feel a very deep jealousy. What I fear has come true, and it is even worse than I had imagined.

I try to act normal. Suddenly, my hand brushes against the bag containing the chocolate cake I had bought earlier.

"Well, congratulations. I hope everything goes smoothly for the two of you," I say.

"Thank you!" she replies.

"I actually brought a little gift for you," I say, handing her the bag.

"Oh my goodness, Billy! Was this for me all along? I thought you just bought it for yourself," she teases.

"Of course not! It was for you, I just forgot to give it to you earlier, hehe," I make an excuse with a nervous chuckle.

"OMG, thank you so much, this is so cute— look at that little rabbit, don't you think it's cruel to even eat it!" she says as she opens the bag. "Aww, this is so sweet. You didn't have to." She then leans in and gives me a hug.

***

Finally, it is time to say goodbye. Her ride arrives.

"Billy, thank you so much for meeting this 'most unimportant' girl ever." She jokes. "I'm so happy we could see each other again like this. I'll let you know if there are any more updates! Wish me luck!"

"Only the best for you, Clara," I reply.

We wave at each other until she disappears into the night.

I don't know how many minutes I managed to keep that smile on my face. Now, I am alone, walking home in the middle of the night. Oh God, why does my heart feel like this? I should be happy for her, right? But why can't I be? What kind of friend am I?

Suddenly, the two-kilometer walk home feels much longer than before.