The next day, I hear our butler Bernard tell Mom that Rosette Craplog came to see me, and she tells him she don’t wanna see my crap, so I rushed downstairs before Bernard sent her away.

“Bernard, that’s my girlfriend! Show her in.”

“Yes, Master Budrick.”

Mom was in the sitting room with her cigarette and scotch.

“Mom, she’s here. That girl I told you about.”

“She isn't another streetwalker, is she? And I thought I told you to call me Charlotte even when we're not in public.”

“Oh, Mom, I mean, Charlotte, she's different. She’s real nice. You'll see.”

Then Bernard announces Rosette, so I go out to her. She looked real nice, even though she was wearing one of them brownish soldier uniforms that’s supposed to blend in with the sand but it don’t really.

“Oh, boy, you came. My mom, I mean, my Charlotte is gonna love you.”

Rosette looked like she been kicked in the balls. “I must admit, Buddy, you never gave the impression you lived in the manner to which Paris Hilton is supposedly accustomed.”

I forgot about how chicks dig my house. “Oh, yeah, we’re rich. My dad owned Crescent Mills Envelope Company until he died, so now my mom owns it. She lets me work there, but my brother Keith runs it for her.”

I brung her to my Charlotte. “Charlotte, this is Rosette, my girlfriend.”

“What the hell's going on here? Are we under attack?”

So then Rosette salutes my Charlotte. It was so cool. “Former Corporal Rosette Craplog, ready, willing, and able to serve and defend, Mrs. Pangborn.”

“Oh, my word. I don't believe it. Well, sit down, miss. I mean, at ease.”

I think my Charlotte liked her.

“I don't care if you're one of those lesbians, but you're not a stripper or a streetwalker, are you?”

Sheesh, I already told my Charlotte that Rosette was different. “Rosette has a great job, Charlotte. She's a mall cop!”

My Charlotte made that scrunchy face like she does when she accidentally sips iced tea instead of scotch. “I'm sure I have no idea what that is, but just as long as she stays dressed when she does it.”

“Mrs. Pangborn, I am a loyal defender of our proud flag and an honest and tax-paying citizen. I have put my life and limb on the line in battle for this great nation of ours, but I have put my heart on the line for your son.” Then Rosette puts her hand on her titty. “I'm in love with your son, Buddy Pangborn. Deeply, honestly, and with no regrets.”

That was great. “Oh, boy, Mom, I mean, Charlotte, isn't she great? Don't you like her? Huh, don't you? Don't you?”

“So you love my son, do you? This one here, Budrick. Is that right?”

“Ma'am, yes, ma'am.”

My Charlotte sucked on her cigarette a long time, and it made me nervous. “Well, my dear, there's only one thing to do now. We must celebrate this weekend at—Bloodside Manor.”

“NOOOO!” I hated her for saying that. “Not Bloodside! We can't take Rosette there! Please, no! I don't wanna go!”

My Charlotte waves her hand like she’s waving away a fart only I can’t smell it. “Oh, don't be such a baby, Budrick. Your mall person will love Bloodside, won't you, dear?”

So then, Rosette tells me, “Mr. Buddy Pangborn, man who stole my heart, I would consider it a privilege and an honor to accept the hospitality of your maternal parent at any of your manors this weekend.”

That meant she’d go, I think. “Really, Rosette? Do you mean that, no matter what?”

“Affirmative, commander of my body and soul.”

I still wasn’t sure, but then my Charlotte says, “It's all set. This weekend at Bloodside Manor. What a treat. Hehehehe.”

I guess we was all going then.

I hate going to Bloodside. It’s on this high hill, and it ain’t near nothing else, and there’s always a thunderstorm. Always. I hate thunderstorms. Sometimes the thunderstorm makes the lights go out, and it’s scary. I hate it.

I was showing Rosette around the place while the lights was still on. The place is ugly, like a Robin Hood castle, so I think it’s got rats, too. I always wanted to find one for a pet, but I never seen none.

“Fascinating, Buddy. So this castle was actually built in the twelfth century. I never knew there were twelfth century castles in New York. Fascinating.”

“That’s what my Charlotte told me. I dunno nothing about that kinda stuff. I like the mall better.”

“Yes, the Crescent City Mall is a fine place, but your castle has so much history. As a veteran of war, I appreciate history. It was my job to honor and protect our history, a job I served with great pride to afford it the dignity it deserves. As proud Americans, we must cherish our historical heritage, both here and abroad, for freedom is–”

“Hey, Rosette.” She was talking too much, so I whispers to her, “You wanna have sex now?”

But then my Charlotte comes over to us. “Let’s all sit down and have a nice talk.” She always ruins everything.

So we go in the library, and Alfred, the Bloodside butler, gave us that awful-tasting mead. I hate it, but my Charlotte always makes everyone drink it. She even makes Alfred wear girly tights and a girly tunic, too, so he matches Bloodside, but he’s kinda creepy anyways.

There was this big bolt of lightning and loud thunder outside, and then, wouldn’t you know it, the lights go out. I thought I heard a rat, but it was only Alfred lighting candles.

“Oh, Miss, uh, Miss, uh–” My Charlotte never remembers my girlfriends’ names.

I says, “She’s Rosette Rosette Craplog, but you can call her Rosette.”

“Miss Crap…um, yes, well, I must apologize for the power failure. I’m afraid it’s a common occurrence in these old places. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Oh, no, Mrs. Pangborn. During my tour of Grenada, we experienced multiple power outages. I’ve been expertly trained by the U.S. Army to handle such crises to keep America safe.”

She was such a babe.

“In fact, I find Bloodside Manor to be a fascinating historical place. If only these walls could talk.”

I look at my Charlotte and hopes she don’t tell Rosette about the walls.

“Actually, dear, Bloodside has a legend you should know about.”

“Charlotte, don’t tell her about that. She don’t need to know. It’s scary.”

Rosette patted my hand, and my pants got that tingle and as such. “My beloved Buddy, please, bear in mind that I am U.S. war veteran. I’ve already seen all the horrors of war, so I no longer fear anything.”

There was this big boom of thunder outside, and my pants stopped tingling.

My Charlotte pours herself another glass of mead, and then she ruins everything again with the legend. “Well, the legend of Bloodside Manor started long before my grandfather bought the estate. Centuries ago, a princess named Brangelina lived here. One day, when her father the king and his guards weren’t looking, she ventured beyond the castle walls into the pastureland below. It was there she met a handsome farmer named Longoria, and they fell in love.”

I didn’t wanna hear the rest. “And they lived happily ever after. The end.”

My Charlotte couldn’t just forget about the legend, though. “But, Budrick, there’s more. Brangelina brought Longoria back to her castle and told the king she wanted to marry him. The king already had a more suitable marriage partner selected for her, so he commanded his men to chop off the head of the farmer and place it on a post outside the castle. It would be a warning to other farmers not to be so presumptuous as to fall in love with his daughter.”

There was another big crash of thunder. I wished my Charlotte didn’t tell this story, at least, not here. It was too creepy.

“Needless to say, Brangelina was beside herself with grief and desperate to join her beloved Longoria. She went into the storage closet, pulled out the family guillotine, and chopped off her own head.”

Rosette looked like she been kicked in the balls again. “Oh, my, Mrs. Pangborn, that’s a mighty sad story, mighty sad, if I do say so myself.”

I didn’t like that story. “Let’s eat dinner now.”

“Relax, Budrick, while I finishing telling your, uh, your Rosacea here the rest. I must warn you, dear, there are nights at Bloodside when the heads of the two lovers appear but never together. They call for each other through these thick stone walls, searching, longing to kiss once more, but they’re eternally doomed to forever be apart.”

“My, my, Mrs. Pangborn. Mighty sad. Mighty sad, indeed.”

“Can we eat now, Charlotte?” I was hungry.

“Alfred, bring the children two tins of sardines.”

“NOOOO!” She was making us eat storm food again!

“Behave, Budrick. I hope you don’t mind, Rosacea, but sardines is the only food that won’t spoil during these electrical storms.”

“Oh, Mrs. Pangborn, during the big invasion of Grenada, my battalion was forced to eat fried dog ears to survive. It was either that or…well, in all candor, from some of the shrieks I heard, I do believe there was a bit of cannibalism, too. You’d never expect that from American soldiers, but as they say, war is hell. Hell is the price we must pay for democracy, if you don’t mind my saying so, ma’am.”

I remembered I left a bunch of Kit Kat bars in my castle room. “Never mind, Charlotte. I’m not hungry. Are you hungry, Rosette?”

My Charlotte didn’t even give her a chance to answer. “Well, then, Rosary, dear, you’ll want to retire now. It’s so much easier to sleep through a storm, don’t you think? Alfred, show Rosary to the Tower Room.”

“NOOOO! She can’t stay there!” My Charlotte knows I’m afraid of the Tower Room cuz of what happened to Doris there. “Can’t she stay in the Maidenhood Room?”

Rosette pats my hand, and my pants get all tingly again. “Buddy, if your mother has selected the Tower Room for my nightly repose, then I shall not rebuff her most gracious hospitality.”

So now I can’t tell if she’s gonna stay there or not. Sometimes I wished she talked normal like me.

“Buddy, I’ll sleep in the Tower Room.”

“But, Rosette, you dunno what happened there.”

“Buddy, I’ve been trained to fear nothing but fear itself.”

My Charlotte got up, so we all had to. “That’s the spirit, dear.”

“But, Charlotte–”

“That’ll be enough, Budrick. You know lightning never strikes the same place twice.”

I hoped that was true. I didn’t wanna see Rosette fried in bed in the morning like Doris. It was bad enough I was scared of Doris haunting the place like the princess and the farmer already did. I didn’t need Rosette haunting it, too.

Since Alfred liked to make sure my girlfriends got in their nightgowns before he left the Tower Room, I was gonna go up there after he left and bring Rosette down to my room. We could eat Kit Kats and have sex then.

“Oh, okay, Charlotte.”