I didn’t think Alfred was ever gonna leave the Tower Room, but finally he did, and I made sure no one seen me going up the stairs with my flashlight to Rosette. I thought I seen a head floating kinda behind me, but I keep going up them stairs. Fast. I don’t wanna get no ghost bites.

“Rosette! I’m here to rescue you!”

“Oh, Buddy, my beloved, I was hoping you’d venture forth so we could convene here.”

“I come to take you down to my room so’s we can eat Kit Kats and have sex. C’mon.”

There was this big flash of lightning and real loud thunder. It was scary there. I didn’t want to fry like Doris.

So then she puts her arms around my neck, and my pants get all tingly. “But, Buddy, I’m sure you’ve heard the expression a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. Just look at this large, finely crafted bed.”

I knew there was probably rats, but I didn’t think there was no pigeons in there. “You sure it ain’t a bat?”

Then she says real low and real tense, “Don’t turn around, but there’s a floating head moving along the wall.”

“Okay, I won’t.”

“Don’t worry. I’ve seen this in battle before. I’ll handle it.”

“Wait, who’s head is it?”

“A woman’s.”

It coulda been the princess or Doris. “Does she got, like, no eyebrows, just little pencil lines where they oughta be?”

“No, she has real eyebrows.”

That was good. At least, it was just the princess. No telling what Doris woulda done if she seen me with another lady. Since it wasn’t Doris, I wasn’t so afraid to look at it.

So then, Rosette goes over by the bed and picks up the lamp. Then she throws it real hard at the head. The head disappears but then something real weird happens. The lamp hits the one of the windows in the room and smashes the glass, but that ain’t the weird part. I broke windows before, and they break. That ain’t weird. It was what we seen outside what was the weird part.

“Look, Buddy. Look outside.”

There was no thunderstorm outside. We could see the moon, and it was so bright we didn’t need no candle or flashlight. And there was no lightning and no rain. But inside the room, there was this other flash of lightning in the other window and more real loud thunder. It was real weird.

“C’mon, Rosette. Let’s go to my room.”

“Wait.” She grabs my arm. “I believe we’re the victims of psyops. It could be dangerous down there, too.”

I had something called psoriasis once, but I never had nothing called psyops.

She opens her suitcase and takes out a rope with a hooky thing at the end. Then she puts on this funny vest with loops and puts another one on me.

I ask her what she’s doing, and she says, “Buddy, the enemy could be lurking around every corner inside. Our safest escape is out there.” She points to the broken window and then hangs the rope from it with the hooky thing.

“I ain’t climbing out the window. It’s too far up. Why can’t we take the stairs?”

“Buddy, it’s our only chance. You must trust me. I’m a trained professional.”

“But we can’t leave without the Kit Kats.”

“Hurry. There’s not much time.”

I seen the farmer’s head floating on the other wall, so I says, “Okay.” Maybe she was right, but I still wished Alfred would show up for us. He was creepy but not as creepy as the heads. And he wasn’t as scary as climbing out the tower window.

So she straps me behind her, and I get all tingly again, but there’s no time for that. She hooks herself to the rope, and we walk down the outside wall. It was real scary but kinda cool and as such.

When we get to her car, I tell her she’s real cool, like a lady Rambo.

“I know, but there’s a definite difference, Buddy.”

“You’re a lady?”

“I’m the real deal.”

I dunno what she meant. I didn’t think she was no ghost or nothing. I knew she was real.

We got in her car, and she drove us to her place. We ate baloney sandwiches there and had sex. It was great. The best part was she has a bathroom. It was behind the bathroom door all the time!

She let me sleep over since I was in my pajamas already anyway. The next morning, I felt real good until she said something that made me feel bad.

“Buddy, last night’s mission made me realize I can’t put my army training behind me. It’s my duty to use it to defend and protect America. Since I’m slightly over the age limit to re-register, I’ve decided to enlist in the next best thing. I’ve decided to defend and protect the great United States of America as a soldier of fortune with the American Mercenary Corps, Inc.”

“Is that like the Marine Corps?”

“In a way. My compensation will also come from tax dollars, but it pays its peacekeepers much better. More important than the honor and the pay is that it’s not bound by any law of man. It’s bound only by God’s law, so I’ll have the freedom to protect righteously without risk of penalty.”

I could never remember all them laws. “How many commandments do you know?”

“Buddy, I’m well aware this may break your heart, but I can’t turn away from my higher calling. I’m enlisting for duty in war-torn Hellistan.”

“Is that near Crescent City?”

She tells me it’s on the other side of the world.

I was pretty sure there wasn’t no bus route there, so I figured I wasn’t gonna see her again. “NOOOO!!!”

I tried making her stay, but she says her mind’s made up. So I get mad and take the bus home.

When I got home, my Charlotte was there, and she was mad at me for leaving Bloodside, until I tell her Rosette is going to the other side of the world. Then she’s all happy. But then I tell her about the broken window, and she gets mad again. It made me mad, and I was already sad. I never been both mad and sad before.

But then I have this great idea. I’ll go to Hellistan, so’s I can be with Rosette. But that’s another story and as such.

“Doo dee doo doo dee dee doo.”

THE END