I breath for a moment this is not a panic attack, I don’t feel like the earth is shattering and my panic is not going out of control, I just need a moment to think what will happen tomorrow and form now on, that guy will be a jerk regardless, so maybe I can change after everyone else is done, or be the first one in and out that could be a good compromise… though one better would be that he gets a book or two and realize that not all of us want in his pants, my phone buzzes and I quickly take it with shaking hands E: look at your daughter! Elis sent me a picture of Mika fresh out if the bath with her fur all fluffy, I smile a little bit but is not enough to fully recover from tonight, I check again and Michel hasn’t replay to my message, even if I right now hate him, damn it I wish he was here so we could be offended together I bet he would say something like this so fucked up! And ugh, we should kiss in front of him just to piss him off, or what were you expecting? Honestly, do you think they would understand? Maybe this was my master plan all along, get your hopes high so you will make this mistake, where they even your friends? Or maybe you need some glasses to see… oh wait, I covered my ears with my hands; all the things I didn’t want to hear now are playing on loop with his voice, and I´m not sure if I don’t believe all of them.

YS: Richard? Is something wrong? Normally you would be here running laps The sound of my phone woke me up, already past eight and normally I would be running to the gym for the training but I didn’t have the strength to do so R: Sorry Sensei, I don’t feel well today, I better rest for the big day tomorrow YS: understood… but you know you can tell me anything right? I consider telling him about what the guy said but I don’t want to make something big out of this so I just leave the phone on the night stand and go back to sleep; I get up when someone is knocking on my door, maybe is the owner that needs to do something in the house, I get my slippers and walk down the stairs only to find Yakimura in his uniform on the other side; I swallow as he is looking at me “Richard, may I come in?” he asks me kind and calmly like he did when I told him about Michel, I nod and move to the side, he sits on the sofa in the living room while I go an make some coffee for the two of us “thanks” he says as he takes the steaming cup form my hands and it is not until he gestures to the chair in front of him that I remember that this is my Airbnb, “Are you feeling better?” he asked me while drinking his coffee “yeah, I think it was just… something I ate last night I should be good for tomorrow." He nods but doesn’t look too convinced, “Are you sure it wasn’t something someone said that got you sick?” I wet my lips as I should have assumed that someone told him what happened, “it… wasn’t that bad” I told him in the low drowned voice I hate “Richard, I literally had to make you sit down when you were burning with a fiver, and you still resisted” “I… I dint want to cause problems for anyone” he nods “you are so kind, even to people who don’t deserve it, I want you to know that comments like that have no place in this team, if its uncomfortable for you I will remove Josh form the team” I shook my head “I would apricate if you have a talk with him, but I don’t want him out of the team”

The day of the tournament, Josh avoided me, I´m not sure who the conversation went but Yakimura told me that he was benched form the teams tournament so I guess it didn’t went well, the participants got sorted, the areas for the combat were delimitated, and we had a big practice session with all one hundred and fifty of us, I managed to get to the top ten on the competition, and my next opponent is a man triple my high and with arms like baguette this is probably going to be the end of the line for me, when the fight starts I quickly realize that he is not into playing fair or safe, the first time out shinais met I get flung back so hard I almost got slammed against the wall; I’m tiered, panting, and with some cuts on the sole of my feet, I see him rising his shinai for one last blow to my helmet and I thought about just let him have it but the sound of the doors been open forcefully makes me block, his shinai breaks  form the sheer force of the blow it end up lunged into my arm and I felt the pain and the sting of wood and splinters into my forearm but I don’t care, through the mask I see a guy, with curly hair stoked to his forehead, sweat stains on his Zelda shirt, emerald eyes looking with horror at the state of my arm, and I don’t care about the pain, because Michel is here.

Yakimura sensei looks at my arm and flinches. “This is a nasty wound.” Medical staff take out the shard of shinai from my arm, but my eyes are set on Michel, who is apologizing for the noise he made to a staff member. He came, he is here, and he is here… for me, right? He is not just casually here for a stroll or work; he is here for me. “Richard?” I blink and look at sensei “I asked if you would like to retreat” I shook my head “No sensei, I want to continue!” he looks at me curious and then back at Michel who is trying to see if I’m okay or not, Yakimura smiled at me “I see, I believe you found the answer to your question form last month” he claps “fine, I´ll allow it, show that man what a samurai is” I nod and roll my slave back down, it hurts and stings but I want to fight, and I want to win even if it hurts I have to win, the moment the arbiter gives the signal the man threw himself at me I jab him in the neck of his mask, I managed to heard a dry whimper as I chained that with another cut getting a point for me, are you watching? Did you see what I can do? Am I cool? Am I enough? I can’t desert his expression but when he starts to jump when I’m awarded the point I think he thinks I´m cool, for the last point I just jump out of his way and let him get out of the zone, after he injured me they give him a penalty and with the second for leaving the area I get awarded another point; I end in eight, as much as I wanted to continued I know I need to dress my wounds in the medic bay; “is there anything else we can do for you sir?” the nurse askes me when she is done with all of my wounds, I nod “there’s this man, outside and-” she rolled her eyes, “ah yes the noisy one” I point at her “that’s him” she let him in and walks out to give us some privacy. 

“Richi, damn you look hurt.” “You are here!” I yelled at him, not measuring my excitement, “Wow, did that gorilla scramble your brain?” I feel the tears forming in my eyes, and I pounced on him, firmly wrapping my arms around him, even if it hurts. “You never came to this…” I told him he just stays there, frizzing in my grasp. “I invited you so many times, and so many times you told me you would only to let me be alone,” he wraps me in his arms too, “I… I should have, or at least I shouldn’t have to get your hopes up like that.” I bury my face in his stomach. “This time is truly me, right? You are choosing me?” I told Michel, more a plea than a question, afraid that if I let go of him, this version of himself will vanish like water through my fingers, “as I should have all those years back,” “you hurt me” “I know…” “but you are here” “that I am” “and you won’t leave?” “… not in a while, I won’t.”