The girl marched into the inn, which for some reason is in a village that rarely gets visitors other than the strange ladies. She plops herself down at the seat closest to the bar. “Give me some cow milk. Make it strong.” The bartender nodded. He got some milk and put it in a fancy glass, then put three drops of some clear liquid into the glass and stirred it together. He set the milk on fire, resulting in the mixture to turn green and as the last touch squeezed some lemon juice into it. He slid it across the bar, watching in anticipation. The girl took a large swig. “It’s good. Well done” The bartender sighed in relief. “Now what’s gotten our little Generic Villager One so down?” Uggg I don’t even know where to start with this. “Alrighty, well the new lady is an absolute menace.” The bartender interrupted “Ah that one, you don’t need to tell me that. A few days ago she told me that chickens were called peuterschwitzals and today she told me that she invented a new food called rumplestumple which was just bread.” The girl looked at the bartender, a smile spread across her face, trying to hold back her laughter. Oh this pure innocent soul, so blinded to that absolute nutter’s schemes. I wish I could be in his place right now. “Well at least you don’t have to call her perfect twice every hour otherwise god knows what will happen.” The bartender grabbed the now empty glass “So she’s one of those eh. Takes me right back to the first time I was the only friend to a lady  in the village. Feels like it was yesterday.” Generic Villager One started to get red in her cheeks and her eyes started to blink one after the other. “Whhhhhaaaaatttt are youuuuuuu talkinnggggg abbbbboouuuuuttttt?” She paused to release a literal fire burp before continuing in her slurred speech. ”You had to do something similar?” The bartender waved his hand in front of his nose.“I made it a bit too strong, I guess. Anywho, yes I had a similar experience, although she wanted me to say that she was the loveliest three times every half an hour otherwise she would turn me bald. If it weren’t for the fact that she walked straight through a sword thinking she was immune to being stabbed I would still be under that curse.” The girl looked at the barkeep’s shiny dome, bringing his head to rest on the bar. She rubbed her hand over his head like she was trying to read a crystal ball. For some reason I don’t think the curse was broken but I can’t put my finger on why. The bartender’s face changed from sincere confusion to utter concern, he wondered why the girl was touching his head. He stood back up to his usual position, his face still full of concern. He looked into the reflection of his cleanest glass and noticed the… noticeable lack of hair. He stood there astonished. ”......Where has my hair gone….I could have sworn I always had hair.” You haven’t had your hair since I was born. Suddenly the door burst open, an older woman with curly shoulder length grey hair stormed into the tavern. ”I need the strongest drink you have.” The bartender nodded, getting a cocktail shaker, filling it with apple juice, some kind of white liquid, green liquid, water, chilli flakes and some other seemingly random items. He shook the cocktail shaker and poured the beverage into a glass. ”Here, be careful, many have ended up knocked out with some…strange consequences.” The woman grabbed the glass. ”Oh PLEASE, it’s not my first time drinking, and after that bi– I need this.” Gods, I wonder what Grudia has done to HER this time. The woman took a swig of the concoction. Her head flopped on the bar,her eyes rolled to the back of her head. The girl and bartender looked on in slight concern before Generic Villager One rushed outside to grab a stick. Once she retrieved a pretty lengthy one she entered back into the tavern and prodded the woman. Hmmmmm it’s not a pile of sh– and it’s not a mound of mud… What could it be? The bartender took the stick away from the girl. ”That drink was most certainly too strong for you. She is not mud or something strange we found in the woods, it’s a woman, you know it’s HER.” Ohhhhhhhhh it’s HERRRRR… whoops. After a few moments the collapsed woman’s hair started to change. It went from bald to long, from grey to blonde, from curly to straight. It continuously changed until it rested on half long and bright pink and half short and bright green. As soon as the change was complete the woman woke up. The bartender, struggling to keep a straight face, continued with his cleaning ”So HER, mind explaining what happened.” HER slowly blinked ”Uhhhhhhhh….. Oh yes… That bi– Not only did she steal MY potatoes and tried to sell them back to me. Not only did she want to form a ‘business’ with me where I would do all the work and she would get all the rewards from it and not only did she think that me exploding her man–house was me being over the top… God, I need another drink.” The bartender opted to give her something non-alcoholic. He poured some water into a new glass, and the woman downed the drink before continuing. ”Today she came to me declaring that we are going to hundermandu. Like what even is that? I, of course went along with it, but what am I supposed to do if I have no clue what it is? Oh and that’s not to mention that she decided to steal all my forks while I was staring right at her.” Oh gods. I think I’m starting to get used to her nonsense words. I’m pretty sure that hundermandu is her way of saying war. ”Welp, HER, I’m going to wish you luck on figuring…that out, but I must be on my way. Thank you for the drink.” As the girl left the bartender looked down to where she was sitting ”YOU DIDN’T PAY!!”

God, I want to avoid that situation as much as possible. I hope I can just rest for the– ”There you are not-so-perfect Grudiepie. I was wondering where you went off all on your lonesome. It’s not like you have any other friends to be with so what were you doing?” Ah cr– of course I can’t have a moment of peace ”Heyyyyy, I was just… taking a stroll before heading home. What about you?” The lady looked at the girl with…anger filling her eyes ”Well you see, my dear only friend. I have just been notified that you have only called me perfect once in the last hour, specifically the last time you said it was one hour and thirty seconds ago. That makes me super angry and calls for a punishment. Don’t you agree?” Oh cra– This crazy bi– ”Ahhahaha… I don’t know what you’re talking about. I have said that you’re perfect at least five times in the last hour.” The lady squinted her eyes “Don’t lie to me. I know you only said it once. You’re not a true friend. I need to punish you…hmmmmm…Here.” The young lady reached into her basket and pulled out a yellow eye-shaped item. ”This is a lemon.” Wow, she knows the actual name of something, that’s a shocker. “You are going to eat it. The whole thing.” I mean that’s not difficult so it’s not much of a punishment. The girl took the lemon, trying to break the fruit open. “Here.” The young lady handed the girl a knife. The girl cut the lemon open and took a large bite out of the sour fruit. “That’s good, where did you get such a good lemon?” The lady looked on in horror, ”how did you eat that without flinching? What kind of kinchustander are you?” I definitely feel like she’s making random words up for no reason, I guess she means monster? If so I feel like that’s a bit of an exaggeration. “Get away from me!!” The girl took a step back from the lady. ”Grudia, what’s the matter? I just did what you asked me to do.” “No! You are my enemy! Anyone who likes lemons is my enemy! I am declaring hundermandu!” Oh yes, she definitely means war with that. ”Just watch! I’m not only going to find someone else to become my new only friend in this village but I’m going to ruin your life as well!” The lady shouted as she ran away. Welp, good luck with that I guess… I wonder what I should have for dinner. 

A few days passed without much incident… surprisingly. I thought we were going to war but I guess– what’s that noise? The girl walked out of her house to see the young lady riding on the back of a monster-bug punderseeter. Ummmmm how on earth did she even shrink to that size? She’s no larger than my finger nail. The young lady started to speak, but the only thing that came out, at least from what the girl could hear, were squeaks. She’s actually kind of cute like this. Although I wonder why she decided to ride a punderseeter. The girl went back inside and grabbed a glass and piece of old cloth. She placed the glass over the lady and punderseeter and placed the cloth underneath. As much as I’d hate to, I'd better take her to HER. She walked off, taking the small but furious creatures to HER house. She knocked on the door and waited for an answer. ”Come in, the doors open.” The girl presented the two to HER, trying to ignore the multi-coloured hair. “How did she manage to shrink herself?…Actually that is a stupid question…I suppose with how ridiculous everything has gotten it’ll soon be the end of this chapter.” HER inspected the lady closer. ”I would keep her like this if I could but I guess that won’t be possible, well I better try to get her back to normal.” The girl decided to get out of there as quickly as possible, returning back to her usual routine. 

Once again days go by, the girl hearing nothing from the lady. Until a loud and I mean a loud explosion occurs. What the fu– Do I really need to go out there and find out what’s going on? Soon after the explosion another explosion occurred. Sh– I guess I need to go out there. No doubt it’s that bi–. The girl left the comfort of her home and stepped outside. To her surprise she saw everyone who resides in the village equipped head to toe in their armours and wielding their specialised weapons. Oh so either the lady has gone absolutely batsh– insane…or the war, that hasn’t been mentioned despite it being near the end of the story, has finally been moved to this village, despite it being located right at the border of the warring empires. ”Yo, Random Unknown Villager Fifteen, what’s the situation?” Random Unknown Villager fifteen turned towards the girl. “Ah, Just that young lady, she’s declared war against everyone in the village and summoned the monsters that she not-so-secretly secretly made contracts with.” I see how typical. I wonder how this one will end. “You bunch of kinchustander! I will make you evildoers pay!” The young lady charged the villagers with her monsters, attacking them without mercy. The villagers didn’t take it lightly, they charged through the monsters, killing all that messed with them. The centuries of wars that took place in the village built all those who live here differently, unlike normal people they had bones that were more solid than any material known to humans, in fact some people try to hunt the villagers for their bones to make them into armours and jewelry. Oh and they are also resiliant to virtually all magic. Despite being outnumbered by thousands the people of the village saw this war as more of an exercise…no more like a warmup.