He almost tore the letter in the haste to open it. Although his days had turned into a pleasant hell, between State and family matters – that little pest of a daughter didn’t let anyone sleep at night and during the day she always demanded attention, not that he found it a displeasure – he didn’t forget that dear friend of his, how could he? On the contrary, he was greatly worried, given the lack of news. He had thought of writing to her first then, but he didn't know where she was staying exactly. He should have asked her husband about it perhaps, he always knew where to find him in the evening, but that morning the postman delivered a letter. Even before reading the sender, he recognized the handwriting on the envelope. Rose! She was feeling well and would soon be back in town! He answered the questioning look of his wife, who had approached the door frame holding their child in her arms.

"A great friend of papa is coming to visit us!" he repeated, pinching the cheeks of the latter, who began to giggle, affected by her father's smile. Ester too let herself go to the happy atmosphere, which had rarely been missing in that house, especially since Lux's birth. Rudolf was always radiant, even when he ended up exhausted by the many duties that fell on him, or that he took on himself.

"Rose von Kinsky, how could anyone even forget about her?" she commented, returning her husband's languid kiss.

"It doesn't bother you, does it Gattin?" he asked her with a whisper on her lips.

"Hmm? Why should it? You have eyes for our daughter only."

"And for her mother..."

“Sure, sure as you say…”

His life had never felt so complex, yet so simple and perfect.

-

Rose had explicitly asked to meet outdoors, in any place that was not her palace or Rudolf's home. She feared that seeing him again in the rooms where they had shared so many intimate moments would have been too nostalgic, let alone going to his house. But he had insisted he would have gone to get her himself if she refused, also because he wanted her to see the child, and she had finally given in: after all, she really wanted to make him happy, and to meet Lux. And as much as she would have gladly avoided it, seeing Ester again would have helped her with the difficult decision she had been pondering since she decided on her return.

He practically jumped into her arms the very moment she showed up at the door. Heavens, here it was, all her resolve shattering between the strong arms that were embracing her.

"Gott, I missed you so much!"

"Same goes for me," she replied in a faint voice when she finally managed to recover from the surprise and return the hug, intertwining her fingers in his long silky hair. She was so relieved he didn’t cut it.

"Let me take a good look at you, Rudolf! Look at those dark circles! You are not still having nightmares, are you?"

He chuckled, bringing his hand at his nape in a faint moment of embarrassment. His nightmares were just a bad memory, he laughed, and then finally made room for her to enter and reveal the true reason for his lack of sleep.

As soon as she met gaze with those sharp amber eyes and that controlled smile, she felt extremely mean for a few moments, but it was inevitable for her not to think about how false that woman still seemed to her. The husband, however, was clearly head over heels in love with her, and therefore she continued to hope that emotion was triggered by pure jealousy only.

For Rudolf's sake.

Because he deserved to be loved.

Because she knew what it felt like to sincerely fall in love with that man. She couldn’t deny it anymore, unfortunately.

Nevertheless, she greeted her warmly as befitted an elegant and refined countess with an equal, if not superior at that point, and luckily for her, her attention got immediately stolen by that creature to whom Rudolf was now speaking in a very funny voice. Her heart tightened. That newborn had the same eyes of her father, she had noticed it instantly without needing him to repeat it endlessly, and she already showed red curls. She hoped that Lux would look like Rudolf when she would be grown up. The beauty of the mother couldn’t be denied of course, but Ester’s charm had nothing of the sweetness of her husband.

She finally understood the extent of the mistake she had made in returning and accepting that invitation. She had always thought she felt fulfilled, lucky even to have everything she could have ever wanted in her life, freedom above all. She had also quite easily come to terms with not having children back then when she discovered it. But at the present time, she realized that perhaps it was not completely true. Would she have been able to bear with this from now on, for the rest of her life?

-

No.

After a brief stay in the city, she realized that her feelings for Rudolf had gone far beyond expectations. If being away from him had made her feel somehow lonely, seeing him now often, so content with his new life, a more than worthy heir to the throne, happy with his family, and still so sweet with her... This was becoming intolerable, and it made her feel weak for the first time in her life. She couldn't accept it, it wasn't anything like her.

The pleas of that Habsburg, whom she had seen changing from an insecure and frightened boy to a young man who shone more and more every day, were of no avail.

"Rose, please, why do you want to leave again? I... I need you and-"

"No, you don't need me anymore, and you know it well."

"But-"

She was the one that needed him now, but it wouldn’t have been fair. She was afraid of ruining the relationship they had built together, and that wasn’t supposed to end up like this: being in need of each other. Or better, she had never wanted any right or claim over him, so she couldn’t allow herself to start now.

She silenced him with a finger on his lips and permitted herself to hug him one last time.

"You have found your way, your guiding light. Live for yourself and for her, and for what your reign will be. That's what you desire the most, isn't it? So-"

"You told me that without me-"

"Let me finish!"

Some things never changed.

"I know, what I said. But I want to travel, see new places, live new atmospheres, can’t I? I am well over thirty years old, and I have hardly ever moved from Vienna. It's not a farewell, don't worry. I will come back, when I feel the time comes, or if you ever need me again. Look what you've done to me, it feels almost like my life revolves around you now. Does this make you happy?"

"No! Wait, I mean, that is…Ros- hic".

Ah, he was still the usual whiner.

"Please, when I leave, don't come to say goodbye like last time, if you don't want me to cry like you do, understood?"

She would have preferred not to tell him that what she warned him about years before, had eventually happened: if they had continued that relationship that went far beyond pure entertainment, she would have ended up developing deeper feelings. But he was so sure nobody could ever love him, that fool, that he hadn’t listened.

And she fell hopelessly in love.

And look at him now, he had even found out what it felt like, to love and be loved, given how, as much as he married another woman that he himself chose, he was not rejecting his ex-mistress confession. On the contrary, he began to apologize frantically and cry profusely.

“I’m so sorry, I-…I never wanted you to suffer-hic- I’m so stupid, oh Lord!”

So, to avoid any further damage, it was only right for her to take several steps back and that he accepted the consequences of his own actions, even if he never meant to cause any harm.

" Habe die Ehre, it was an honour to meet you, my beloved friend, mein Schatzi."

-

The theatre was full as every other evening. The Viennese people could never give up music, some good comedy or tragedy.

To get Lux an up-close view of the stage and the actors, Rudolf had bought tickets for one of the first rows in the stalls. And of course, he was not interested in renting an expensive box in the gallery and mingle with some snooty aristocrats.

"Tell me Lux, are you happy with your birthday present? Fourteen years old, you're grown up now! In comparison, Leo still behaves like a spoiled brat. Soon, you will be the one to order everyone around in the household!"

Miklós talked and giggled without a break waiting for the show to start and Lux was amused as usual. She had always found him funny and since her childhood she had taken the habit of calling him Onkel Miklós, because he was constantly around her father like a brother. He almost teared up the first time it happened.

"Was she ever not in charge of the house and everyone there? I have been her slave since the day she was born!" replied Rudolf theatrically, covering his face with his hands.

"Papa!" scolded him then that young girl, who the older she grew, the more she resembled the spitting copy of her father, albeit with some more delicate and less sharp traits taken from her mother perhaps, who was absent that evening, however. She wasn't feeling well, but she had still insisted on her husband and daughter that they’d go anyway, as she didn't want to spoil Lux's excitement for her first night at the theatre. Rudolf had given in after some protests, since he would never have been able to win against the two of them together. Or not even one alone. He loved them too much. It had been a good idea in the end, given the admiring expression that the daughter had throughout the whole duration of the show, that was again that tragedy of Grillparzer, King Ottokar's Fortune and End. She even turned to him with sparkling eyes when Rudolf I of Habsburg appeared on the scene. He also felt the gaze of others on him, and of Miklòs of course, who was clearly being provocative. He still remembered it then. Anyway, he ignored him and opted to rest his head on his daughter's shoulder, smiling lightly and inviting her not to be distracted – tomorrow he would have questioned her about the history of the period.

"You know," he started, dreamy, as they were walking home in the quiet evening of the city. Although it was late autumn, the air was pleasant, not too cold.

"A dear person lived here."

He pointed at an elegant palace in front of them.

"It was that person who dragged me to see the première of the play we watched tonight. At the time I didn’t come to see the end of it."

Lux was questioning him with those lively, attentive eyes of hers. Who knew what Rose would have said if she could have seen her now.

"I hope that one day you will be able to meet her, when she returns to Vienna. She was, and still is, a dear friend of mine. I owe her so much. It is also thanks to her that I was able to marry your mother. Haha, I was embarrassing back then,” he laughed. “And so, you arrived, mein Mausi, the most important person in my whole life," he concluded, tightening an arm around her shoulders.

"But don't tell mum!"

"Would she get jealous?" she chuckled.

"She would complain that I’m too soft and I’ll never let you go once the time will come.”

“How would you let me go?”

“I saw how you and Leopold were looking at each other the day he left for England.”

“What?! No, how! We are just friends, like you and Onkel!”

He couldn’t hold back another good laugh at her reaction. Nonetheless, she recovered her witty spirit quickly.

“Don’t worry papa, I won’t let you alone with mum, you need two persons at least to look after you.”

“Wos?! Oh-that’s mean! Let’s walk you home, you nasty pest.”

Before the Daun-Kinsky Palace disappeared from their sight, Rudolf turned back one last time, as if he was hoping to see the light of a candle flickering on the sill of a particular window. He was still receiving a few letters from Rose von Kinsky from time to time, in which she updated him on her travels. She was enjoying the sunset in Venice the last time she wrote, wasn’t she?

Regardless, he was sure that she would soon come back, they would sip good wine together and he would spend hours and hours thanking her again for making it possible for his first and greatest love to come true.