Flynn

I came awake all at once, confused but instinctively frozen, holding my breath as I listened to the darkness of the night. I let it out in a rush when I was sure I couldn't hear that slightly raspy sound Dean's breathing made when he slept. 

Did he get up to go to the bathroom? Would he be back in a second, hand reaching out to brush over my skin as he slipped back into bed next to me?

I’d known for a good long while before I finally left that things hadn’t been great, but I’d never felt this fear before. For so long, and until not all that long ago, living my life alongside Dean had been my normal. He hadn’t felt like some boogeyman. For all that he was and all that he’d done, he’d been the closest thing to family I had.

But I’d done the impossible. I’d left him, and afterwards I’d promised myself I’d never go back. I must have been drunk out of my mind last night if I’d wound up back here.

But that was drunk Flynn’s doing. I’d punish him with sobriety, but now that he was no longer at the wheel, I couldn’t entertain his mistakes for even a second. I slipped out of bed and crept to the door.

Things had never really been violent between me and Dean, but they were about to be. The second he stepped through this door, I was going to clobber him, and then I was going to get the fuck out of here.

The seconds ticked by, or maybe minutes, and I couldn’t help but ponder the fact that I couldn’t hear him puttering around in the bathroom. Couldn’t see the light on under the door. Wait, was this the bedroom door, or the door to the bathroom? Which one had I thought it was?

I fumbled for a light switch, flicked it on, and then stood utterly baffled as I blinked against the bright light. The room in front of me was so different from the room I’d been expecting that for a single panicked moment I didn’t recognise it at all… and then, all at once, reality snapped into place and I remembered. This was my room. Not the room I’d shared with Dean. Mine.

I’d been so excited to have my own room, my own bed. I hadn’t really thought about the fact that I’d hardly slept in a proper adult size bed in my whole goddamn life other than Dean’s. And even if it had crossed my mind, I wouldn’t have thought it mattered, because this wasn’t Dean’s bed. It was mine. He didn’t get to take that from me.

But sometimes saying these things big and brave in your head didn’t change a damn thing. I flicked the light back off, got two steps away, stepped back and turned it on again. With the light on, this was my room, a place where I was safe. With it off, suddenly I felt like I could be anywhere. Didn’t matter one bit that I knew it wasn’t possible, because in my head I’d been back there just a few minutes ago, and my head was the place that I existed. Whatever went on in there was the reality I had to live in for as long as that confusion lasted.

So I left the light on, and I went and lay back down and tried to sleep. It should’ve worked. It shouldn’t have mattered that the light was on when most days I slept right through the full light of the afternoon sun while a bus bumped along uneven roads and passengers walked past me as they got on and off.

But all that was kind of soothing. The silence felt more tense, like a held breath, waiting for something to break it.

I got up, dragged my blanket into the living room. Settled down on the sofa. Better. I liked that it was crowded in here, full of stuff that marked it as a specific place in the world. Shut my eyes. Opened them. Stuff was shadows. Hm.

Got up. Turning the lights on. Too bright. Turned them off. Turned the light on the cabinet displaying the uranium glass on. Perfect.

Lay back down. Sofa was facing away from the cabinet. Too dark, too many shadows.

Got up. Dragged and lifted the sofa until it was facing the cabinet. Lay back down. Fell the fuck asleep.