By eight o’clock, Aki and I are sitting side-by-side on the edge of my bed, wordless. I’m not sure how to begin asking about his past. It’s been so soon since we’ve “met” that I can’t comprehend it being my business. 

“...ask away.” Aki looks at me sideways, a heavier tone to this conversation than to our past exchanges. 

“I hardly know what to ask.” I admit. 

He starts for me. “You wanted to know why I need to be “protected”, right?” He pauses. “It’s not like I committed a crime and I’m running from the government, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

It wasn’t my main concern, but I’m relieved nevertheless. “...right.”

Another moment before Aki speaks again. “It’s nothing grandiose either, but most people would rather hear this in person,” another pause. “I lost my mother when I was in middle school, and my father lost his job while grieving. He wasn’t really the same after that, and I’d eventually had enough. That just wasn’t home anymore. So I left. I’d had contact with Mirra before I joined- just through social media. He proposed the whole circus thing, and it took me a while to get used to the idea, to be honest. But here I am.”

“...here you are,” I echo, surprising myself by being relieved. He’s free of all that, after all- even if it does weigh on his mind. “I’m happy you made that choice.”

It’s not what I expected myself to say, but this mood has me feeling especially honest.

He smiles at me like he’s figured something out. “You know what? I used to wonder if I’d made the right decision, but now I’m sure I did.” He bumps my shoulder with his. “Thanks for finding me, Haruka.”

“Thanks for being there.” I smile back, the reality of the situation clear to me. I never believed in fate. I kind of expected to never meet Aki, really. But now that he’s here, I’m glad we met in person. He’s exactly who I wanted him to be.

He hesitates, then blurts, “I’ll always be “there”. If, um. If you want me to be.” He seems almost shy, and I see his age showing through his actions. I myself feel older than I am, and I wonder if he does, too. “I don’t want to lose you again.”

Everything he says is what I’ve always wanted to hear. I sigh and rest my head on his shoulder. “I don’t want to lose you, either.”

As he puts his own head on mine, I’m acutely aware of how close I’ve let him get to me over the few days I’ve known him. Or has it been the last nineteen years? The lines of our relationship are blurred, and I’m reluctant to sort these thoughts out. Instead, I just sit by his side, silent as we dwell on everything we’ve shared together, and everything we still don’t know.

“...if you want to ask me anything about myself, now’s the time,” I offer.

“Mm…” I can hear the pensive note in his voice. “Are you… okay? I mean… you’ve been a lot different this past year. I can hardly tell what you’re thinking anymore.”

I’d forgotten he could see me while I was in the mental hospital. “I…” I pause, leaning more heavily against him. “I thought I’d done some thinking there. Matured a little. But after I realized you were real after all, it’s been confusing, to say the least.”

“How so?” His voice is devoid of the playful undertone it usually carries, and it’s obvious that he cares. 

“It just feels like it was all for nothing, you know? I wasn’t even there for a reason, and I missed the most important part of growing up.” I sigh.

Aki seems to think it over for a moment. “I agree with that. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that it was important for you to be trapped in a facility where you were mistreated. I’m not going to tell you it “built character”. And I’m certainly not going to lie and say you didn’t miss anything. You were robbed, Haruka. You’re allowed to be angry.”

“...that means a lot, Aki. And to think you’ve been out here the whole time…”

“I should’ve been looking for you. But I didn’t even know if you were real, to be honest. I always liked to think you were, but sometimes I would wonder if I made you up so I would have someone that couldn’t hurt me.” He stops talking and hesitates, like he has something else on his mind.

“...is something the matter?”

“Well… You kind of did end up hurting me. But it wasn’t you, you know? You didn’t choose to stop seeing me, or start ignoring me. It’s not a big deal anymore, now that you’re here for real.” He puts a hand on my shoulder and hugs me against his side, our heads still in an awkward pile on his shoulder.

After a beat of silence, I speak again. “So… now what?” I’m not sure how to say what I really mean here. I speak slowly, “When you and Amaru were talking about “disappearing”..."

“Are you considering it?” It sounds like he’s trying not to get his hopes up.

“I’m just curious.” I don’t want to give him a definitive answer yet.

“Well, the way it’s worked for me- I don’t know about the rest- was pretty hard. But only because I had someone I was trying to escape.” 

“Escape?” All he’d told me was that he had lost his mother in middle school. “Escape from what?”

He finally raises his head off mine. “My father. We got into more than a few fights when I was in high school, so I ran. Mirra had contact with a dying circus company and bought the remainder for dirt cheap. He fired and rehired almost all the positions, but there were virtually no performers as is. I don’t even know where the acrobats came from or whether they need any kind of protection. They could be from the original circus for all I know.”

That’s… really weird. Even Aki doesn’t know where they came from? 

“What do you know about them?” I tilt my head, becoming more curious about the mysterious women.

Aki thinks for a moment, tilting his head from side to side. “Well, they’re older than me. Late twenties, maybe? I don’t know their real names, but we call them shortened versions of their stage names, too. Forget-Me-Not is Demi- Amaru says it’s a joke about dementia, but sometimes I think that’s a little insensitive- and Spotlight is just Spot. I have a feeling she’d tell us her real name if it wasn’t for Demi, but they’re thick as thieves. I think.”

“You think?”

“They don’t exactly fight, but Spot storms out of their trailer more nights than she doesn’t. She’s pretty loud. Demi… I’m not sure I’ve ever held a conversation with her, really. But they’re both great trapeze artists. We’d be goners if it wasn’t for them.” He nods, a sign that that’s all he has to say about them.

I nod back and think for a second. “So you really do need more performers, is what you’re saying.”

“Basically, yes. Even if you can’t perform, helping hands are always appreciated. With a salary, of course. I promise Mirra isn’t as rude as he seems.”

“...that’s not exactly what I’m worried about. How am I supposed to just drop my whole life?” All I have is a job, but still. “My coworkers would worry.”

“Then tell them the truth. You don’t have to disappear the same way we did. Hell, you could just resign and tell them you’ve found a better job.”

I raise my eyebrows. “Is it a better job?”

“That completely depends on how you look at it.” Aki shrugs.

I’d probably be happier there. Isn’t that what really matters? I look out my window and watch the clouds inch across the sky. What’s the point of all this if I’m not happy? I wasn’t meant to work a corporate job for all eternity. Nobody is.

“If I say yes, could you guarantee my spot there? For as long as I want it?” I don’t look back at him quite yet.

“Of course,” he says quickly. “I don’t care if Mirra or the girls don't like it, or if they flat out say no- not that they would. If you’re in, I’ll do everything I can to make sure you’re taken care of, Haruka.”

I look back at him, mildly surprised, then let out a breath. “...Alright. I’ll turn in my resignation letter tomorrow.”