Beep.

I wasn’t supposed to hear anything at the bottom of the ocean.

Beep. Beep

And I didn’t think the deep sea creatures of the Mariana Trench where able to play weird musical instruments.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Unless, of course, I wasn’t actually at the bottom of the ocean. Unless, of course, I didn’t drown.

And the words; the words were quiet.

They where there, like always, but they weren’t trying to squash me under a tonne of rocks. They were just existing.

People where talking. Soft mumbles that fought gently against the beeping noise that quietly drummed in my ears. At first it was annoying, but as I listened to the steadiness of it, it made me feel calm.

Something to hold onto when everything else was out of reach.

It lulled me off to sleep.

This time I didn’t drown. I just existed, simply resting my aching limbs.

……………..

The second time I woke, I was slightly more coherent. There where no voices, but I still go the sense that I wasn’t completely alone.

My eyes squinted open, blinding me with a bright light. It was a slow process, cracking my eyelids open slightly more every few seconds, allowing the light to seep gently into them.

Everything was slightly blurred, and I could feel my eyes watering against the blasting brightness.

My head ached, but I pushed through the pain as I looked around at my surroundings.

White walls. White ceiling. White floor. White bed covers.

I was in a hospital.

“She’s awake!” It was the soft, whispered voice of my mother, and it seemed to calm my pumping heart. It wasn’t fast, exactly, just forceful. It made me feel slightly sick with nerves, but I tried to ignore it.

“Yes. Hello. I’m awake,” I mumbled, my voice ringing in my ears.

Mum chuckled. Dad snorted. It was like music to my ears. Right now, when I didn’t know what was happening, the normalcy of this quiet banter kept me grounded.

“How are you feeling, darling?” Mum asked.

“M’good,” I hesitated. Mum leaned forward, waiting for me to say more. “Why am I here?” My voice sounded breathy and a bit desperate, but I didn’t have it in me to care very much.

Mum and dad exchanged a glance, and I instantly felt panic settle into my stomach. It churned in my gut, squeezing uncomfortably? “What?” I whimpered, giving the opposite effect to what I was hoping.

“Do you… do you remember?” Dad asked gently, yet his voice was dry, filled with no emotion. It was very unliked him, and the beeping that echoed around the room got spiked faster.

“Not just yet,” I said. What was I supposed to remember. Was it important? “Was it bad?”

It must be tracking my heartbeat, I realised. What could have happened that was so bad my heartbeat needed to be watched?”

“You were attacked.” Dad’s voice was dry, with no emotion. It wasn’t like him, and the beeping that echoed around the room got steadily faster.

What was I supposed to say to that? “Oh—” my voice cracked over the word. “Oh, okay.”

Then the memories came flooding back. The haze of my sleepiness disappeared as the events of that afternoon pushed through, and instantly I felt my heartbeat pick up. Damn my stupid heart and my stupid brain and these stupid panic attacks.

I willed myself not to start to panic. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe.

“Hey, darling,” dad soothed, clearly noticing my rising panic. “You’re okay now. You’re safe.”

“I-I know.” I was telling myself as much as I was telling him. Although I knew mum and dad would see right through it, I forced a smile. “I’m okay…”

“You don’t need to pretend, Zoey,” dad said, her voice hard yet gentle.

“I’m… its just… well, a lot.”

“I know. Do you want to explain what happened.”

No. Actually I didn’t. I didn’t need my parents to know that Chloe’s bullies had turned up and that I’d punched someone and that I had another panic attack.

Then again, they where there during the panic attack, so they’d probably be more worried if I didn’t want to tell them anything.

“Did… did anyone else tell you what happened?”

“They explained to the paramedics, but we want to hear your side of the story?”

“The paramedics?”

“We had to call an ambulance, love,” mum said, her eyebrows furrowing and lips pinching. Pulling that face. I loved my parents, don’t get me wrong, but I absolutely hated that face. It meant something was wrong. Something wasn’t right. And in this case, I wasn’t right. Absolutely everything went wrong.

“W-why? I just thought… I only had a panic attack? Surely I don’t need an ambulance for that?”

“Well, yes, but it wasn’t just the panic attack.” She looked to dad for help, which also wasn’t a good sign. She was quite independent and was always very well spoken. Clearly she didn’t know what to say next.

Dad spoke up. “You were losing a lot of blood. The nurses said you took a tough hit to the head, and you passed out from both the concussion and blood loss.”

“Oh.” I didn’t know what else to say. “Okay.”

“So what happened?” Dad asked again.

I thought for a moment, before trying to tell the events in the most understandable way possible. “We where at the park,” I started, my parents nodding encouragingly. “Chloe, Jackson, Tommy and I were having a picnic. Everything was going good, until Red and Blue showed up.”

“Who’s Red and Blue?” Mum interrupted, her voice cautious.

I breathed deeply. “Chloe’s bullies from her old school. They saw us, and they came over.”

“And then what happened?”

“They started being mean and saying some not nice things to Chloe. She’d been eating quite good today, but she suddenly stopped and curled into herself the way she does when she’s scared or overthinking. So I guess I got quite protective and told them to go away, especially when they started intimidating Tommy, who was first to speak up.”

My parent’s faces were getting grimmer as I kept telling the story, and I couldn’t look at them anymore. As I was still laying down, I turned onto my stomach and buried my face in the pillow, just enough so they would still be able to hear me.

“Then,” I continued, “I got really, really angry. Like I couldn’t control it, so I punched Red.” I made sure to tell this part of the story quickly, so neither of my parents would interrupt and say something to unintentionally make me feel guilty. “And I think I hurt myself more than I hurt them, to be honest, but it definitely took him off guard. But I didn’t realise that Blue had snuck up behind me so he punched me in the back of the head, and it hurt a lot. So then… then I… I turned around and I…”

I really didn’t want to tell my parents this next bit. What was I supposed to say? I strangled him but I promise I wasn’t trying to murder anyone?”

“You what, darling?” Mum asked.

“I promise I wasn’t trying to do anything bad!” I said first, wanting to get my point across but failing miserable. “Like I didn’t want to kill anyone or anything, I just—” The shocked look that passed my parent’s faces made the sentence catch. “Please don’t be angry,” I whimpered.

“We won’t,” dad whispered. Somehow, he didn’t look completely honest, but I had no choice but to trust him.

“I strangled him.” My voice was small, but I was desperate to skip through this part of the story and make my parents forget that I would ever even consider such a thing. “And then Tommy did the same to Red, and they got scared and ran off. They said something like this isn’t the end, and laughed, but they definitely seemed a little bit out of breath. Then I started panicking.”

“What brought it on? The panic attack?” He asked.

“The attack,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“We know that,” he said sternly, obviously not in the mood for sassiness right now. “But what where you thinking in your head?”

I groaned. “Do I have to? It’s kind of stupid.”

This time mum spoke again. “Anything that makes you have that kind of reaction isn’t stupid. We want to help you, but like the last time you had a panic attack, we can’t do anything if we don’t know what’s wrong.”

“The words,” I muttered. “There where too many. They where very loud, and it was like I couldn’t focus on anything else. My vision was completely dark, and it only added to the effect and I felt like I was drowning. Everyone was focusing on me and asking if I was okay, but I didn’t care about that. They should have been comforting Chloe – who looked so scared the entire attack, by the way, but they kept talking to me. But it wasn’t about me. And the words, they just wouldn’t stop.”

“What are the words doing now?”

“They’re fine. Like obviously they’re there, and they aren’t completely silent, but I know I’m not going to go into another panic.”

“That’s good.”

Before mum or dad could say anything else, a nurse walked into the room.

“Oh hello Zoey!” She chirped happily, as if we were long-time friends.

“Hi,” I said shyly.

“I’m just going to check up on your vitals, then I’ll give you a rundown of your diagnosis.”

“Ok."