Tw: internalized homophobia/transphobia, belittling emotions, hard truth (yes that’s a warning)

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Ronan doesn’t like PDA.

I thought maybe he was just shy or didn’t care that other people knew we were a couple.

And I didn’t mind, whatever made him the most comfortable I was fine with.

Until I realized the root of this was not shyness but internalized hate.

It started when I noticed he could barely call himself trans or bi.

He accepted me as gay and loved me, but he couldn’t accept himself.

He’d pull away if others were around and we were sitting close. He would only be himself in very short moments in private but even then there was a wall.

So I confronted him about it.

“Hey Ro?” I asked, fidgeting with my hands while I sat on my bed. 

I looked up at him. His hair was glowing from the lamp nearby as he rummaged in a drawer for something.

“Yeah?”

“We need to talk.”

I swallowed a lump in my throat as fear struck his face. He shuffled over cautiously and sat on the mattress as stiff as a board.

“What?” He asked quickly, I could see him picking at the skin around his nails without even meaning to. It was his nervous tell.

“You know I love you, right?”

His eyes filled slightly, his gaze darted to the door like he was making sure no one else could hear.

“Ronan.” I breathed, taking his hands with mine. “You don’t have to be ashamed.”

His brows furrowed, he tried to pull away but I didn’t let him.

“You’re allowed to be yourself.” I continued. “In front of me. In front of our friends. No one’s gonna judge you.”

A tear went down his face but he stayed silent, his hands tense in mine.

“You don’t understand.” He whispered, eyes on the ground. “I can’t.”

“Ro…”

“My family would be so disappointed in me.” He choked. “It doesn’t feel right to be happy when I know they’d hate me.”

“Ronan, stop.” I grabbed his face in mine, forcing his eyes to look at me. His expression shattered my heart.

“Someone whos love in conditional is not real love.” I said firmly. “Real love is accepting you no matter what and helping you through shit. Not making it worse.”

He shook his head, pulling away again.

“I need you to hear me, Ronan.” I grabbed his hands and put them on my chest so he could feel my heart pounding in my chest.

“I love you.” I said firmly. “I don’t care what your family might’ve thought about me, that doesn’t change anything about who I am or who I love. You can’t tell me who I can love. Declan can’t. Your Nonna can’t. Religion can’t.”

My voice cracked, more tears came from Ronan’s eyes.

“I love you no matter who says I can’t.”

Ronan broke then, falling into my arms and sobbing, gripping my shirt so tight I thought he’d rip it.

I held him tight as he cried in my arms, shaking as my words echoed in the room. 

By the time he was finished his body was slumped against mine, resistance shattered, leaving raw, true Ronan in his place.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered.

I shook my head, pressing my lips to his cheek, catching a stray tear. “There’s no need for you to be. You were taught you weren’t worthy of love because you were different. That isn’t your fault.”

“I feel like I shouldn’t be crying about this.” He laughed wetly, wiping his face with his sleeve. “It’s stupid.”

“No it isn’t.” I told him. “Someone said something and it hurt you and has affected you for years. You’re allowed to be emotional about it.”

He laughed again, pushing his face deep into my neck. I felt his body relax more under my touch than he used to.

“I love you.” He whispered, kissing my neck softly. “I love you so much. I’m sorry I couldn’t say it sooner.”

I brought his face to mine, kissing him before pulling back to press my forehead to his. “You’re here now. That’s all I wanted.”

Authors note:

This one hurt but I feel like people needed to hear it. Happy pride. I love you ❤️