After drinking and laughing more, most of which I forgot because I drank a bit too much, we sat and ate dessert around the coffee table. Some sitting on the floor, some on the couch. Tiramisu, of course, bdeing one of my favorites. Romina and Cynthia fell asleep on the couch at around 3 am, knocked out from the tequila Romina brought over. The three of us moved to the kitchen, cleaning up together. My mom insisted Geonsu didn’t have to help, but he wouldn’t budge, mentioning how grateful he was for being invited and wanting to show off the dish cleaning skills he earned while working as a dish washer at Toscana when he was younger.

Being so close to one another the whole night, I didn’t feel his pheromones. I found that strange, however, for the past 30 minutes I started to feel them. I figured I must not have noticed before and continued to smile and laugh with him, as he was washing the dishes with dish soap and I was rinsing the soap next to him. Every time our arms touched when moving our hands or our fingers touched when he was handing me the dishes, I felt warm.

Seeing as he was beaming with pheromones, I felt invited to do the same. The rest of the house were Betas anyway, so they wouldn’t know. I released a wave, checking to see if he minded. Until now, my scent was light throughout the night, my body didn’t expel against my will 80% of the time. He glanced at me and his hands stopped washing the forks. His scent was the first scent I enjoyed since Johan. This put me in a very vulnerable state of mind.  

“Did you take suppressants today as well?” I asked him.

“Yes, I did. The effect is wearing off though… did you notice?”

“I might have. Why did you take them? You’re off work.”

“I… I didn’t know if your parents were Betas or not, so I didn’t want to come off as insolent if they escaped.” He mumbled.

“But you’re dominant. Does something interfere with your ability to hold back…”

“You.”

We were now looking at each other in silence. The only thing you could hear was my mom in the living room handing Alex the glasses from the table and the loudest was the water running in the sink. A wave of emotions got to me before my brain could respond to him. I liked the answer, but I got dizzy and started to sweat from anxiety. He must have noticed, because he stopped the running water and opened the kitchen window. From a safe distance, he spoke to me.

“Are you okay? What’s wrong? Do you need something?”

“Ugh…” I was getting nauseous now. I didn’t want him to think I didn’t want him there. “I think I drank too much. The warm kitchen made me dizzy. Thanks for opening the window. I’m feeling better.”

I wasn’t feeling better, but I didn’t want him to think I wanted him to go. My body was fighting my mind. I tried my best to keep my composure, thankfully my mom and Alex entered the kitchen and diverted the situation. It was getting very late.

“I am going home now. Thank you for your hospitality. I had a great time. I want to treat you to a meal at Toscana soon.”

“Thank you, Geonsu. Ugh, I hate to see you leave. You are so charming! Bye, bye!”

My mom really took a liking to him. She hugged him and squeezed him so hard, her lipstick transferred a bit on his cheek. Alex shook his hand and thanked him for the great time. Now it was my turn to say goodbye. I hoped I could keep my composure. I smiled slightly and rubbed the lipstick my mom left off him, explaining to him that my mother really took a liking to him. He seemed pleased with himself.

“Get home safe and text me. You are pretty drunk yourself.” I said, looking at my feet. I felt so guilty looking at him.

“I will. Good night!”

I watched him as he walked down the stairs and closed the door when I heard him exit the main entrance. I felt empty and conflicted. That night, I had the most distressing and sleepless night I got to experience.

The next day, I was nesting compulsively in my bedroom after locking the door. My mom and Alex knew what that meant. I started to tear at my pillows and ripping the bed sheets, throwing them, not wanting to see them. I pulled all my clothes out of my wardrobe. I picked up books and threw the one I didn’t like on the floor. I dug so much through my stuff, frantically building my nest, my fingers got red and raw. I was blinded by my instinct and cried from the pain of not being able to stop. After I managed to build the nest to my liking, I burrowed myself inside and tried to go to sleep. Given that I had no access to either one of the scents, drove me crazy. I couldn’t curl, I was hyperventilating and getting increasingly more agitated that nothing was working. For 3 days, I neglected food and water. My mother would call out to me from outside, trying to assure me everything would be alright. Finally, I managed to drive into deep sleep after three exhausting days. This is how I spent my holidays.

After sleeping for two and a half days, I woke up inside the nest I built. I stood up and still stood inside my room for 3 hours, making sure I was done. Due to experience, I knew I was done. I was hungry, I wanted to shower and drink water. All these bodily necessities hit me at once, so I unlocked the door and went straight into the bathroom.

As I got out of the bathroom, feeling like a human being again, I stepped into my room. My mom was already there and sorting through my clothes and objects.

“I left you clothes to change into in my room, on the bed. I will wash these clothes and make your bed. You think you can pick up the objects later?”

“Yes. Thank you, mom.”

I was choking up, feeling terrible about doing this again, but knowing it wasn’t my fault. I burst into tears and hugged her. We were both crying and supporting one another. My mom wiped my tears.

“I will call my therapist when the holidays are over.” I told her.

“Okay, dear. Now go change. I made you some food, and after you eat, we will go out to get coffee. Do you feel like it?”

“Yes.”

I picked up my shoes and my phone from my room and went to change. Since Geonsu and I last texted, after he arrived home, no text messages or calls were missing from him. I felt relieved, because I didn’t have to come up with a lie, but disappointed, not knowing if he thought of me during these days. But what right did I have to expect his attention? Did I already have feelings for him? Did he have any towards me? Could we even date properly? Would he accept someone like me?

“Come on! We are taking the car today!” my mom urged me to move along, while grabbing her bag and searching for the car keys.