Felix couldn’t stop the smile that crept onto his face as he turned the corner even if he wanted to. His body was practically vibrating with leftover adrenaline from the absolutely perfect night. As he arrived at his house and parked in his car, he started giggling and laughing like a madman. He still couldn’t believe someone like Hyunjin would have ever wanted to go out with him, let alone kiss him. Just the thought of it made him touch his lips, thinking about when it was Hyunjin’s lips that were on his not too long ago. All he could think about was how he would do just about anything to feel them again.

Felix walked into his house and as soon as he closed the door, he let out a squeal and jumped around to get out his excitement he still felt and that refused to leave him. He wanted to stay like this forever. Before he forgot, he reached out for his phone and sent Hyunjin a quick text. 

Felix-blondie 

Hey I made it home okay! Thx for coming with me tonight!💕

Hyunjin’s reply came after a few minutes.

Hyunjin-cute bartender

Anytime, sunshine I can’t wait to do it again

Felix-blondie

I still keep thinking about it, I never knew I could feel like this

Hyunjin-cute bartender

Like what blondie?

Felix-blondie

Happy…

Hyunjin-cute bartender

Me too sunshine, me too

Felix sends him a goodnight text, promising him to text when he wakes up and he sets his phone down to charge it. What he told Hyunjin was the truth…he had never felt so happy before, so alive. He thought about his life before coming here, how he was an animal in a zoo waiting to be presented or preparing to put on a show for his father and his company. He had never felt particularly human until this very moment. He realized that these emotions were human and very, very, real. He realized this feeling wasn’t just something he watched on tv and quietly wished he could have, he is now currently feeling it and almost nothing could bring him down from it. 

His thoughts slowed and his stomach started twisting as reality came back to him slowly. His father. The company and its image. His mind started wandering down a dangerous path as it thought about what would happen if his dad found out what he did. The simple thought alone sent his fragile mind spiraling down as his body replaced the excitement with the feeling of dread, of anxiety and fear. For once, Felix had something to lose and the thought terrified him. He thought about his dad and what he would do to him if he ever found out he did something that wasn’t part of his dad’s plan. His heart almost stopped with the next thought,  what would my dad do to Hyunjin if he found out about him? He couldn’t, wouldn’t let his dad find out. But what if someone from one of the companies saw him? What if his dad was in town and saw him? What if he sent his spies to watch where Felix was going? It wouldn’t be the first time that his dad would have done something like that. He thought about the first time he ever tried to make a friend.

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Whenever Felix was younger, about 5 or 6, he was playing on the playground when a girl came up to him. “Hey!” Felix said, youth and excitement in his voice. She practically lit up and sat down next to Felix, “hey! What are you making?” 

“The best sand castle in all of Australia! Do you wanna help me build it?”

“YES!” 

Felix and her giggled and sat down next to each other in the sandbox and began filling buckets with sand, using the plastic shovels to scoop and fling sand in every direction. But before they could finish their masterpiece, Felix’s dad came storming up to them, pointing to Felix and screaming, “Yongbok get over here NOW! You know better than to interact with people lower than you.” His voice boomed through the whole playground and all the kids looked up at his dad in fear just from the volume of his voice. Felix sighed and said to his new friend, “I’m sorry I’ve got to go, please finish this okay? It’s our special sand castle! Don’t let anyone knock it down!” She waved, confused and definitely scared of his dad when he towered over them and practically lifted Felix out of the sandbox and carried him to the car. The car ride was silent, but not in the way that was comfortable, the one where if anyone breathed wrong a bomb was going to explode that couldn’t be contained.

They got home and his dad roughly grabbed Felix and practically threw him into the entryway of the house. Once the door closed, his dad looked at him with such venom, such hatred, that Felix wanted the floor to swallow him whole. “What have I told you, Yongbok?” His dad began, “about mingling with others that aren’t worth the air they breathe?” Felix was confused, he didn’t understand why the little girl he just met was so wrong, she seemed so nice. “Dad, she was really nice-“ his dad’s bitter laugh sliced the air around them. “She wasn’t nice, son. She was using you! Why can’t you see that? And how DARE you question what I say in my own house?” Before Felix could flinch away, his dad picked up his 5 year old and threw him against a wall, Felix’s head smacking hard against it as he started crying. That made his dad absolutely snap.

 “YOU DON'T GET TO CRY. YOU DID THIS TO YOURSELF! DON'T YOU REALIZE THIS IS YOUR DOING? DO YOU THINK I WANT TO DO THIS? DO YOU THINK I WANT TO HAVE AN UNGRATEFUL SON DISRESPECTING ME?” Blow after blow found Felix’s poor back and stomach as he curled in the corner while his dad was kicking him, the rough heel from his boot cutting into Felix’s skin, making blood drip down Felix’s shirt as it mixed with his tears on the floor. The harder Felix cried, the harder his dad hit him. Once his dad was done with Felix after Felix had passed out from the pain, he stepped back. After one last kick that had blood coming out of one of Felix’s wounds, he grabbed a bottle of whiskey from his liquor cabinet and he stumbled into his bedroom, Felix’s blood left on his boots creating a trail behind him. 

When Felix was 15 he was going through high school, a ghost of a human, when he accidentally ran into someone. “S-sorry I didn’t see where I was going I’m so sorry.” 

Felix looked down at his feet, ready to be berated or laughed at for being so clumsy. 

“Hey don’t worry about it! It was my fault! I’m new and I was too busy looking at the map. Do you think you could help?”

Felix looked up in disbelief, shocked at how honest the guy had sounded. He looked up and saw a guy about his height, bright orange hair and a goofy grin on his face. 

“Sure. Where are ya trying to go?”

‘Uhhh…chemistry with Mr. Park in room 325.”

“Hey, that's my next class! We can walk together! I’m Felix by the way!”

“I’m Hongjoong! And that would be great! It’ll be nice to have a friend here!” 

Felix didn’t want to tell him, but if he wanted to make friends, then Felix should be the last person to talk to simply because of his reputation. 

They enter class together and Felix subconsciously lingers back behind Hongjoong, so he wouldn’t be seen walking in with him. Hongjoong noticed though and fell back to meet Felix’s pace. 

“Y-you don’t have to wait for me. You can go on ahead.”

“What and leave my first friend behind me? Never! Besides, I need to know where you sit so I can sit next to you!”

That’s how their friendship began to bloom. Everyday they would meet in front of the school, go to classes, eat lunch, then they would walk halfway home before saying goodbye. Hongjoong had asked a bunch of times for Felix to come over, but every time he shut it down. He wasn’t sure about Felix’s dad, only the rumors. So he didn’t push for information, even when Felix came to school with fresh bruises. Even when he walked with a slight limp. Even when he would wear hoodies on hot days and no one looked twice. So Hongjoong was just there for Felix in any way he could. He would buy lunch when he heard Felix’s stomach growling despite Felix’s protests. He would say he’s not hungry or he was on a diet, but Hongjoong made sure he ate at least one time. 

There was one time when Felix broke in front of Hongjoong. Felix was so distraught he ran to Hongjoong and fell apart. It was a Friday night and his dad was already drunk when Felix came home. As soon as Felix closed the door, his dad was on him like a bull in a china shop, destroying everything in his path to his target. 

“Felix, I will give you one chance to tell me the truth.”

Felix’s stomach sank with fear and acceptance of the pain he was about to endure. No matter what he said or how he answered, he knew it would be wrong. He’s danced to this tune one too many times. 

“Felix, are you friends with a boy named Hongjoong?” 

Felix’s body shifted getting ready to be struck because he was in no way going to admit to talking to someone his dad didn’t have influence over. “No, father. We have a few-“

The next thing Felix knows he’s being picked up and tossed into a chair with cuffs above his head. He squirms, but the little strength he has is nothing compared to his father’s. His dad handcuffs him and whispers in Felix’s ear 

“Wrong answer.”

The belt came down hard and fast across Felix’s stomach, causing the skin to immediately swell and blister up. 

“Did you know, Felix, that I have eyes everywhere? People have seen you together and you think I wouldn’t know? Do you take me for a fool, son?”

Felix didn’t answer as another stripe got left across his ribs, his cries going unnoticed and his hand useless in the cuffs above his head. The thought of his father sending people to spy on him had never occurred to him before. His stomach twisted with pain and guilt by being friends with someone as kind as Hongjoong. His happy face crossed Felix’s mind and it made him cry harder as his dad hit him once, twice, three more times. His dad swiped his hand across the belt, cleaning Felix’s blood from it as he crouches to Felix’s level. 

“I’m going to ask one more question and I expect you to answer me this time.”

Felix looks at his father, venom and fear in his eyes. His father smirked and asked,

“Is he distracting you? Because you know very well I can get rid of that distraction and it would be so simple too. I’m going to give you two options and I need you to choose. Option one is you cut this Hongjoong off completely and you become refocused on your one true goal, Lee Loans. Doing this nothing will happen to him.  Or,” his father smirked slightly, “you can defy me. But by doing so you will live in poverty. You will have no house, no home, no father who will steer you clear from temptation. You will die being a nobody and no one will be there for you. The choice is yours, son. Choose some rat that will betray you and leave you when it’s convenient and be cut off from everyone, or become a real man. Someone powerful, rich, someone that will never have to struggle a day in his life and no one gets hurt. Decide now, Yongbok.”

Felix knew it was going to destroy him, but he couldn’t imagine Hongjoong getting hurt because of him. So he told his father, “My choice is to follow you, of course. I want to make you proud.” His father smirked. 

“I knew you would make the right decision, Yongbok.” 

He uncuffed Felix and left him alone to pick himself up as he collapsed onto the ground. Felix’s hands went around his stomach as he curled into the fetal position and cried. 

The next day Felix asked Hongjoong to meet him somewhere where there would be no one there and even if there was, Felix would notice it right away. They met by the edge of the walking trail of the woods and they started to walk side by side. It was a clear, sunny day, but the light was gone from Felix. Of course Hongjoong noticed, but he stayed quiet as they walked a bit. After a little bit and when Felix decided it was far enough that people wouldn’t hear or see anything, he suddenly grabbed Hongjoong’s arm off the path and over by a patch of trees that covered them from view of the trail. 

Before Hongjoong could say anything, he was being pulled to the ground by a trembling Felix. He allowed himself to be pulled down, immediately holding Felix in his arms while he cried. Hongjoong did his best to stay calm himself, but it was hard when his best friend was unraveling in his arms. So he just held him, rubbing his back and rocking back and forth. After a while Felix’s sobs became quieter and he calmed down a bit. 

“H-hey Hongjoong, I-I have to t-tell you something.”

“Whatever it is, you can tell me. Nothing will make me leave you, Felix.”

“That’s the problem. I can’t talk to you anymore. I can’t be seen with you or be near you at all… o-otherwise m-my dad h-he might h-hurt you. I c-can’t have you hurt b-because of me. I’m sorry. We can’t be friends anymore.”

Hongjoong lets this information process before he asks quietly, “did your dad hurt you?” 

Felix didn’t respond but the tears started welling up again as he stood up and backed away from his best friend, the one thing that made it worth living. 

“I-I need to leave n-now. P-please don’t message m-me anymore.” 

With that he left a confused Hongjoong in the woods as he ran back to his house. He tried convincing himself he was protecting his best friend, but he couldn’t help how hopeless he felt as he sank down on his bed and cried himself to sleep.

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Felix shook the thought from his head. He wouldn’t let his dad find out. He knew he couldn’t afford to be so careless. He would still let himself have this though, have Hyunjin. He doesn’t know much about the bartender but one thing was for certain. Felix would not let his father ruin the one good thing that was in his life now. Still even though Felix was almost certain he wasn’t caught, he would have to be more careful. He couldn’t let Hyunjin get mixed up in his family or their fucked up dynamic. He didn’t care about his father hurting him, he was too used to the pain he endured almost weekly, but he was scared to think of what he might do to Hyunjin if he found out. The thought alone made the tears pricking his eyes fall down his face, silently hoping that this perfect night would stay between them forever as he closed his eyes and tucked his legs closer to himself as he rocked back and forth. He slowly came down from his panic attack as he closed his eyes again, exhaustion plaguing his body. Felix’s last thought before succumbing to sleep was of Hyunjin, leaning close and looking at him with his dark, intense, honest gaze that grounded him enough to have him drift off to sleep.