Teressa leaned back in her chair, nodding, seeming to approve the idea but I knew. I knew she was choosing her next words carefully, after guiding me for almost 2 years, maybe she didn’t expect the question to be put on the table so soon. I had my doubts as well, but I have had enough of feeling like my body did not belong to me. I had to take it all back. Even if my memories could not be erased or my scar, I wanted my mind and body to belong to me again. Seeing her rummage around her papers, her eyes skimming quickly the text, looking like a strict professor over her glasses, I knew this was not going to be easy.

“Possibly.” She answered after a while. She continued “Until now we have been working around stabilizing your mind and body, this is a completely different subject. The question you are asking is a good one, if you are feeling ready. I would like to talk about your condition first. What changed for you to come to this resolution?” She clicked her pen and grabbed her brown notebook, scribbling something fast and tilting her head.

“Is it too soon?”

I didn’t want to get too excited, given her choice of words, but I didn’t want to remain in the dark. Until now, not knowing or caring about it made me feel safe. Not opening your eyes when you know something in front of you might scare you keeps you from reacting, but also keeps you ignorant, if what was standing in front of you was something you could overpower all this time, you wasted your time not looking.

“I wouldn’t say that. We have been making progress. Your body seems to be able to relearn to respond to the mind, not the mark. Given that he was recessive and you are dominant also helped the therapy go smoother. In that sense, you made a lot of progress. So, what changed? Is it the Alpha you met up with?”

“I liked the idea of taking my recuperation slowly. But lately, I feel like I shielded myself from growth…”

I didn’t think too much about my response and to my surprise, the words came out easier than I expected, my mind putting them perfectly into place and now finally reaching the goal I envisioned since I met Geonsu stood in front of me. Teressa didn’t interrupt while I took a short breath of air, so after my fingers tightened around each other, I continued.

"I don't want to spend the rest of my life wondering what my body is going to allow me to do. I don't want to keep asking permission from something that was forced onto me. If I decide I want a relationship, I want that to be my choice. And If I decide I don’t want one, I want that to be my choice too.”

“So, this isn’t about him?” She inquired further, as if my explanation was not enough. I knew she wanted to make sure the decision was not impulsive.

However calming and precious our time together was, I spent a lot of time thinking about this decision. I responded honestly.

“No. It’s not about him. But he made me realize I want my choice back."

“Okay.” She said while pushing her glasses up, trying to hide her smile. “Then I think you are asking the right questions. As I said, we only worked around stabilizing your body and mind. However weaker it has become, the bond still has existed for years. What we would be attempting is teaching your body to stop recognizing it as necessary. You mentioned on Christmas day you only felt the pheromones in the air and had a bad reaction. What were you doing when you had a positive reaction?”

“We kissed. For… a long time I think…”

My words slowed out of my mouth not because of embarrassment, but because Teressa’s eyes widened when I mentioned the kiss. She tried not to let her reaction linger, covering it with closing and opening her eyes slowly and nodding. While writing in her notebook, she calmly responded to my confession.

“Kissing another Alpha without ending up in the hospital would have been impossible even one year ago. Good… What about intercourse?”

Her question took me by surprise, given the fact that she just mentioned that kissing would have been a struggle not longer than a year ago. Suddenly I might have had the power to have intercourse?

“We… didn’t get that far. Could my body handle it?”

“If you were to decide you were mentally prepared and your body did not react negatively, yes. It’s about how far you want to go at the end of the day. It’s not a requirement.” She waved her hand lightly, her voice soft and her smile subtle.

I stared at her for a moment. For years my body had dictated the limits of what I could and could not do. Somewhere along the way, I stopped asking myself what I wanted and focused entirely on what was safe.

Yet Teressa spoke about it as if it were simply another choice. My fingers absentmindedly traced the seam of my sleeve. Geonsu flashed through my mind before I could stop. The warmth of his hands. The way he always waited for me to decide how close I wanted him. I quickly looked away.

“We're not there yet...” I muttered, feeling heat crawl up my neck.

“I didn't say you were.” Teressa's smile widened slightly. She continued, changing the subject back to the medication. “We can try weakening the bond. I know back then the Scent-Desensitizing pills didn’t work for you, but these are other medications. They are more powerful.”

Teressa spent the next few minutes explaining the available treatments. The most effective option would dissolve the bond over the course of a few weeks by suppressing the hormones my body had learned to depend on. The downside was temporary emotional numbness, exhaustion and a feeling of emptiness. The alternatives were less invasive, but also less reliable.

Five weeks. One pill every day. It sounded miserable, but it also sounded final.

“During the time you take the medication, you can have interactions with him for the first two weeks, I would say. Kissing, as long as it doesn’t give you headache or nape pain, can be done. You might start developing anxiety and have a bad reaction to his pheromones after the first two weeks, because the original Alpha’s pheromones and connection will try to escape and put a lock on your glands. I have to advise against intercourse at all times during medication, as it is too much for your body to handle. I think I covered everything…”

"There is something else." I added, seeing as Teressa closed her notebook after we talked over an hour about the medication and the process, thinking her last sentence would be all that was needed for today. "I've been thinking about leaving the club."

"Do you want to? Why?"

I thought about this for some weeks now. The thought of ending a chapter in my life that gave me back my confidence felt good and free, but I didn’t want my decision to be too sudden. I loved spending time with the girls and seeing Cynthia so often, but I felt like I didn’t belong there anymore. I visited her every now after my assault and started to work there a little over a year ago. I felt like the time came for me to close this chapter.

"I started working there because I wanted my body back. I wanted to feel normal again. I wanted to stop being afraid of being looked at."

"And now?"

"Now it feels like I'm staying because that's where I learned to survive. But I don't think surviving is what I want anymore."

Teressa leaned in, smiled at me proudly and answered.

"You spent two years learning how to make decisions for yourself again. I'm not going to take that away from you by making this one for you. If you do quit, start the medication afterwards. The calmer office job you do will help with the side effects. Call me as always if something happens, especially now given the medication. Take care!"

I stepped outside the building, holding my prescription tight inside my jacket pocket, as if the wind could be able to blow it away. I felt my heart race and the sides of my mouth spring up, pushing my cheeks upwards. As excited as I felt right now, I felt like I needed some time before I could pick it up from the pharmacy. All this time I had been wondering whether recovery would ever allow me to move forward. Now that I had finally said what I wanted out loud, the question felt different. For the first time, I wasn't asking whether it was possible. I was asking how to get there.

Feeling more composed, I headed for the next pharmacy I could find. Handing the pharmacist the prescription, I could see her eyes moving while reading something on the computer. My insurance should be fine; I never had issues and Teressa even checked if it was available. She glanced at me, gave me a halfhearted smile with her eyebrows softly raised and then turned around. She came back and while I was paying, she packed the box into paper first and then put it inside a bag. While handing it to me, still holding it fixed on the counter, she patted the bag twice softly while her smile got a bit brighter and her head tilted.

“Here you go. I wish you a beautiful day.” She said, while nodding at me.

At that moment I wondered if she knew what the medication was for. Then again, she was a pharmacist. If anyone could guess what was inside the paper bag, it was probably her. The thought made me clutch the bag a little tighter as I stepped onto the sidewalk.

As eager as I was minutes ago to get my hands on this medication, the feeling washed away and I started to feel unsure. I felt sure of the choice I made; I wanted to take the medication but… I was hesitating. Why?

While walking aimlessly around and moving the bag from my left hand to my right hand every few steps, as if the bag was too heavy to carry, my phone rang. Caller ID? Geonsu. He must have his lunch break now. I rushed to put the bag into my left hand before answering in order to hold the phone better.

“Hello?”

“Hi. I hope I am not bothering you at work. You must have lunch break. Did you eat yet?”

“Umm… Yes.” I looked down at the bag in my hands and hesitated to answer him. If I said I was not at work, would he want to see me? “I actually took a day off today.”

“Oh. Where are you? Are you up to something right now?” his voice got slightly higher and the questions came one after another.

“I am just walking around. The weather is nice today. I can’t believe it’s already spring.”

“Yes. It was chilly at 5 am though. Not that you would know, you were sleeping.” He said sarcastically.

I could already imagine his right eyebrow raise as he implied one of us was lazily sleeping under the warm sheets as the other had to get ready at 4:30 in the morning to go to work. And as those words left his mouth, I could imagine his side smile show his dimples and his warm eyes look away, waiting for me to justify myself, only for the conversation to lead to light and funny banter like we did these last weeks when meeting up.

All I could do was laugh and agree but still shove in his face the fact that I slept in today.

“So, where are you walking to? Any goal to reach?”

I could hear him smile through his teeth while he asked those questions, as if hoping my answer was as open ended as possible. I had to give in and give the answer he hoped for.

“Hmm… I don’t know. Anywhere my feet carry me to is the goal I guess.”

“Any chance those feet would carry you to the Brooklyn Botanic Garden?” He asked.

Since our first kiss, he started to be more comfortable, but still not too daring. I was not the only one teasing now. But since he started, I had to keep it going.

“Hmm… I am not too sure. What would be waiting for me there?” I said, with a tone that feigned ignorance.

“Well... Me.”

I could only hope he was wearing the same satisfied smile I imagined whenever he thought he had gotten away with being subtle. I shook my head at the roundabout approach he lately took to ask me to meet up, but I could not fully laugh at him, as I too used the coffee the kitchen offered me as an excuse to see him on weekends.

“See you in 30 minutes.” I said after a short silence and hung up immediately. The only problem was the bag. Should I hide it inside my jacket? It’s rather small, so it would fit. I decided to place it inside my jacket pocket, close to my chest.

I arrived around 12:43 and found Geonsu already waiting by the entrance. When he noticed me, I waved lightly. He immediately started walking toward me, pulling the marine blue scarf higher over his mouth as if that could somehow hide the smile spreading across his face. It couldn't.

"Hi." I greeted him first.

"Hi." Geonsu responded, then reached forward and brushed something from my coat sleeve without looking away. There was nothing there for him to brush away. “Cold?”

“Not really.” I chuckled.

He might as well have asked because he wanted to know whether I was cold or not, however, his eyes looked down for a second and then up at my face again. He eyed the burgundy scarf I had around my neck. The scarf I ended up not returning to him.

"Good." He smiled.

Geonsu nodded toward the entrance and started walking. As I followed, his hand briefly found the middle of my back, guiding me through the crowd gathering near the ticket booth. The touch lasted only a second before he let go, but I still felt the warmth of his palm through my jacket. I stood to his side while he bought the tickets, looking around. There were not a lot of people there, then again, it was around 1 pm in the middle of the week.

“I don’t know if we have enough time to see everything.” He said as we departed the ticket booth. “I have to be back at the restaurant later…”

“Then we will see the rest next time. I also want to see the tulips in April. So, we can come back.”

He almost stopped in his tracks, as if not expecting me to offer a follow up meeting or rather… a next date.

The next hour passed much faster than I expected. We followed the winding paths through the garden without much direction, occasionally stopping whenever something caught our attention. Most trees were still bare from winter, but small green buds had begun appearing on the branches and patches of early flowers colored the landscape. The air smelled damp from recent rain and every now and then a breeze carried the scent of soil and fresh grass through the pathways.

I found myself paying less attention to the plants and more to the feeling that settled in my chest. There was no rush. No anxiety. No clock counting down to the next obligation. Just the sound of gravel under our shoes and Geonsu's voice beside me.

At some point he started explaining something about one of the trees we had stopped nearby. I wasn't listening very closely. Instead, I watched his hands move while he talked and the way his eyes lit up whenever he knew something I didn't. When a gust of wind shook the branches above us, a small leaf landed in my hair. Before I could reach for it, Geonsu stepped closer and plucked it out. His fingers lingered for a second in my hair before retreating.

Compared to earlier, the paper bag hidden inside my jacket felt a little lighter.