He smirked. Even if I did not look his way, I just knew he did.

My fingers were sinking in the red armchair ; my wavering gaze reflecting what I hated and loved the most in that moment.

He smirked because he was pleased by my hopelessness, because I deserved it.

"How was the movie ?" he asked.

I don't remember much after that...but...I did what I did, as stupid as it may have sounded to others.

3 years ago

I was in my kitchen like every nights. The more I read about romance the more I realized my crave for it was equal to my non understanding of it.

I twisted my stiff neck and saw the tips of my branches scratch the plain white ceiling, which's blandness kept aggravating my sense of emptiness, unable to be like everyone else.

Sometimes in this lonely appartement I would wish to be laughing with a loved one, however, once the story played in my head like a movie, I could only feel inconfort and thus the wish would fade away without any regrets.

The neighborhood's footsteps were loud again like a call back to reality, reminding me of my meaningless existence ; the scene of the negative me in the kitchen turning comic.

After graduating from high-school and going to college, my number of friends had switched to zero. I don't know why, but I somehow gained the super power to make people uncomfortable.

I knew something was wrong with me...The thing is I didn't understand why. I wasn't like that before, I used to be normal, or at least more than now. 

I didn't have this Dalbergia upper body, those leafless branches surrounding my face and above, these tightening roots around my arms...and this hole turning my torso into nothing more than a arch.

I must have had broken something, but, when ? Why ? And how could I fix it ?

Did I want to fix it...? It seemed only me could see this monstruous appearance, and...I didn't really mind it.

This period of my life was alike a blank page. 

My childhood was full of painful and happy memories yet with time its emotions had vanished. 

Teenage years were a suffocation of anxiety where I thought I would die - I did try a few times.

As horrible as those were, I felt alive, as if my brain had compensated the bad things with strong positive chemicals coming from all and nothing.

Perhaps I did an overdose of said chemicals, and that's why it all went numb.

Currently there was no pain, no stress, no hate, no laughter ; I had came to peace with the remorse and had moved on from the blame towards my parents ; I was paying rent, eating plenty enough and still had some pocket money from work, but I did not use it for I had no dreams, no motivation, nothing, not even the desire to die.

I knew very well that tomorrow as well, I would remain a hollow shell.

There was no expectation for this life, for this year, for this month, for this day where as if stuck in a loop, I kept putting fries in boxes while the stench of fat was oiling my skin and the beeping machines deafened everything else.

"CB13 ?"

The newbie behind me repeated louder. "CB13 !?"

She smiled as if she had just helped. Perhaps she had.

Anyhow, I didn't know how to respond to that, I nodded and made things awkward.

I never understood how my terrible social skills passed the interview...

My whole existence was out of place ; it probably didn't even belong to this universe so maybe that's why it felt impossible to connect with reality.

-

Sitting on a bench right under a bluish street lamp, could be seen the shadow of the leaves waltzing with the wind on the dark grass. 

The stars were hid behind the typical grey night of the city, passants were passing, but all I cared about, was the view of this big enlightened bridge overlooking the sea with the constant moving car lights traversing it.

That is when I realized that, I somehow missed the forest and the dark sky full of natural lanterns.

As if faith wanted me to go there, Mom called the next day asking if I would come during my school break, unaware that I had dropped from college two years ago. 

Mom had moved out from our old town to another old town, slightly bigger and livelier, due to some bad events with our old town's habitants. 

Meanwhile, I was just starting college, and once settled she would often ask me if I would come. After my endless rejections it seemed she had given up, or so I thought.

The entire train journey, I listened to music while observing the moving landscapes ; this travel felt different for no apparent reasons - Maybe because I never went there before.

When getting out of the station, suitcase in hand, I noticed on the parking a familiar black or more like dirty dark grey Volkswagen.

I caught a glimpse of my mom's curly brown hair ; the cyan wool vest, colorful dress and burgundy Doc Martens were very much like her.

She saw me thus we both walked towards each other, an uncomfortable feeling gnawing at me. 

Mom hugged my stiffed body then when pulling away, I stared at her face that had aged so much in so less time.

Without bragging, I could discern most of Mom's emotions from a single glance. 

She was overwhelmed of happiness and sadness, she had missed me so much she would have cried right here - Gladly, she did not.

"It's been so long" Her blue eyes were gleaming of sorrow.

I smiled awkwardly, that, to her every sentimental sentences ; humming, nodding, scoffing, humming, nodding, scoffing.

Mom kept taking unfamiliar roads. "So how is college going ?"

I looked to the window on my right. "Good enough"

"Still no friends ?"

"No" I quickly chuckled with pinched eyebrows, eyeing at my worried mom in the rearview mirror.

I was already regretting coming here, that until the car started to dive deeper in dark green areas alike my eyes, made of pins and oaks - my body relaxed. 

The soothing atmosphere of the forest eased my mind for the reason, I believe, that I used to hike a lot with my dad during childhood.

"There we are" Mom slowed down the pace, waving at a random person.

The trees were now houses. There was a bar, a church, a restaurant of some kind, a bakery, a store, pedestrians (sadly), cars, bikes - Pretty much everything a downtown needed.

The car stopped in the middle of the path, I turned to mom whom lowered the window to greet a woman.

"Hi Monica" The woman was flashing a blinding grin as if life was loose of any problems. 

As their chitchat was flowing, I buried myself in the background and yet, the lady named Mary noticed me.

Mom glanced to the passenger seat with a smile "This is my son Rowan, he's doing a favor to his lonely mom and staying for school break"

Mary brightened more than she already was, impressive I would say "OHH what a pretty name for a pretty young man" 

The one who had named the baby me was proud of this comment. 

"I see I see, then it falls perfectly ! I was planning to tell you about the concert at the bar tonight, my son and his friends are playing !"

Mom nodded energetically "I was wondering when they would get out of your garage"

Nervous hands went over Mary's chuckle "I myself have been forbidden to listen to them until now"

Mom and her usual empathy comforted the woman that we would see again tonight.