Mom had been hiding me her health issue for longer than I would have thought. A few months after my visit, it went downhill.

I got a call from my aunt when Mom's state got really critical but I didn't make it in time.

Apparently Mom had repeatedly refused to tell me because she did not want the news to obstruct my studies...How funny...What studies ? 

I believe she wasn't expecting such a sudden end, she was too much her to die without telling me.

My aunt drove me to the funerals in silence.

It was my first time wearing a suit, since for his, I was too young to wear one.

'Ah...This kid is weird. His Mom is dead yet he doesn't seem to care at all.'

That is what their "I'm sorry for your loss" sounded like.

It was different for the people who knew the old me, the sweet and normal me. They were more comprehensive, making up their own conclusion : Ah...This kid is still under the shock.

Which of them were rights ? I had no idea.

I was asked to deliver a speech as her only child but I couldn't accept. I did not know what to say or feel yet, therefore I watched our family talk and cry, with a face of marble covering an empty inside. Mom would have called me heartless.

The church was cold, unlike the summer she loved.

Mom enjoyed the sun, the beach, the heat, the people.

I preferred the rain, the forest, the cold, and the solitude overall.

She preferred dogs over cats. It was the opposite for me.

I looked so much like my Dad and so less like her.

There was so much that made us different from one another. 

"Rowan" 

The funerals went in the blink of an eye, subjectively, and I was invited to see her lifeless body as a final goodbye. 

I remembered not being able to look at him back then ; the glimpse of death from afar had been unbearable hence I immediately had escaped the lifeless room.

Now I was older and I wish that it meant I was stronger...I wish I could pretend that I entered the room and watched her corpse, but I didn't. Instead, I waited outside, and as I did, the areas gained life with the falling snow.

How long had it been...?

The last time I had seen the white coat of the Earth was...when I still lived with her.

This was one of the rare things Mom and I both enjoyed. 

"..."

I closed my eyes to the appeasing snow ; its hard coldness turning soft to the contact of my bark, sliding down, vanishing, yet its ghost remaining.

A freezing breeze gnawing at my unhuman nose and fingertips, I was fine to be eaten alive by it, however I had to tag along with my family for a men in black's gathering.

At the lone bar-restaurant of the town, the morose atmosphere seemed already set before our arriving.

 

The silence that once was music could only accentuate the contrast of the seasons.

I wouldn't have been capable of recognizing most inhabitants, but since the person who took our command was the beautiful girl, I was able to.

We were a big table ; uncles, aunts, cousins, and my ex step-dad. 

Usually, ordering would have been a mess. Today, eating was just a formality for half of them had no appetite.

"I'll take a burger"

The eyebags were digging Lou's complexion deeper than a grave as she wrote my command on an overused notepad. 

Her gaze aimlessly drifted here and there, up and down, as if her lenses were out of focus.

"Sorry could you repeat ?"

"I'll just take a coffee"

Up and down, right, left, nowhere, here, not here, somewhere else, and back there, where we were.

Her voice regained brightness, the sound of her soles distanced itself. Staring at my empty plate, I found myself drifting in outer space.

"Rowan"

I looked up to my aunt.

"Yvan and the others are leaving tonight and we're leaving tomorrow" 

'We' meant Veronnica, her husband, and her daughter. 

"Paul proposed himself to help you with the house, I wanted to stay longer but I used too many leaves at work..." She sighed in annoyance "If it wasn't so far I would come back next Monday, but it's going to be complicated so if it's ok with you I was thinking that Paul could help you with the house and all the papers, and if you need my help on anything, don't hesitate to call me"

Paul used to be my step-dad. He was annoying on certain things nevertheless he was still a decent person and was skilled in juridic matters.

I agreed to him helping, not expecting him to broke down in front of me the following night.

-

Veronnica had sort out Mom's endless pictures with us earlier in the day. We had six months to clean the entire house but she really wanted to at least do that.

Now me and Paul were eating with a MMA match in the background.

He took his glass of whine and gulped it down.

"The reason me and your mom parted ways was because of alcohol"

I knew that. 

They didn't get along when drunk, and even less when he was sobber and Mom was not. Which is why, when Paul completely stopped alcohol, they grew apart.

"Your mom was stupid when drunk"

Yeah...

"..." He starred at his glass.

I had never seen him cry.

The picture hence appeared weird.

His palm going over his face, his shut lips twitching, stretching, shaking. Whimpers stuck inside his throat escaped in jerky noises.

I felt awkward, that, every time someone would cry near, or would hug me, or would tell me they love me.

I didn't know what to do, in any of these situations.

After calming down, he said "You're strong minded Rowan. I don't worry about you, you are capable and smart"

Paul had always had a high esteem of me. Multiple times he had praised me for being realistic and collected.

"Of course, Monica was worried" He quietly smiled "She is an anxious woman, and you are her only kid"

"___"

The faint smile faded "..."

"I think...I'd prefer it if I could handle stuff on my own, the house and all..."

I knew I could be honest with him, and that he would listen.