It was quiet in Tent One, the only sound the Pines river. It was peaceful. Safe. 

Another sound. Footsteps? Muffin didn’t know how long she’d been awake, but apparently now it was time for the counselors to come wake them. She wondered which counselor it’d be.

The footsteps got louder, the sound of hiking boots crunching on gravel and dead leaves making it clear the source of the sound had no respect for the morning peace whatsoever. Considering Sprite was still asleep and the counselors (hopefully) wouldn’t make Flapjack wake everyone up, there was only one person it could be.

The tent flap was violently smacked open, and someone stomped into the tent. “GOOD MORNING, TENT ONE!”

Sharky. Of course. 

Sprite startled awake. “Ah-Good morning!” She had lines on their face where it’d been pressed into her pillow.

Dot stretched. “Hey, Sharky!”

Muffin waved, inwardly irritated. 

Lilypad rolled over, knocking one of her stuffed animals out of bed. In the process of getting it, she looked up. “Oh. Hi, Sharky!”

You hadn’t noticed them sooner? When they stomped into our tent yelling at the top of their lungs?

Some people were quite bad at paying attention, Muffin thought. Particularly Lilypad. 

“Today, we’re gonna…” They rifled through the pocket of their overalls and pulled out a crumpled sheet of paper. “Make wood cookies!” Sharky pulled their necklace out of their shirt. The wooden circle on it was painted with a grinning shark and their name. 

Sprite yawned, rubbing her face. “That’s great, Sharky.”

“I know, it’s literally so cool.” They stomped out of the tent, and a moment later, Muffin heard them do the same thing to tent 2.

“OH MY GOD, SHARKY, IT IS LIKE SEVEN AM” Flapjack’s voice was probably audible throughout the entire camp. Somehow, Flapjack was even louder than Sharky. Muffin didn’t know it was possible to be louder than Sharky. 

Somehow oblivious to Flapjack’s yelling, Lilypad turned around, twirling to show off her outfit. Her hair clips were all art themed-little paintbrushes, palettes, and crayons. She wore overalls covered in paint and a rainbow striped shirt, its long sleeves covering her hands.

It made Muffin feel underdressed in her T-shirt and her favorite loose, flowy pants. Against Lilypad’s rainbow outfit, her typical color palette of white and pastel blues and purples looked muddled and gray. She pulled her hair, which was wavier than usual from being braided the day before, into a ponytail and slipped on her shoes.

Sprite sat on her bed, tying her shoelaces. “I don’t get how you two don’t get hot wearing stuff like that. It’s June! How do you survive in long sleeves and pants?” 

Lilypad shrugged. “I don’t get hot, I guess.”

Muffin looked away, oddly self-conscious. “It’s not heavy fabric. It’s-pretty comfortable like this.” She also hated how her legs looked in shorts, all long and pale and skinny.

Sprite grabbed her bag and headed for the tent flap. Muffin joined her, still feeling awkward. It was frustrating. She knew nobody in her group was going to judge her for anything, but Muffin was as resistant to change as one could get. A sort of haze would creep into her mind whenever she’d even consider it, clouding her thoughts, and it was a feeling she’d do anything to run from.

She stood on the bridge, waiting for the other CITs. Rex was the only counselor already there-Muffin had figured out Zero was not a morning person, Socks was pretty disorganized, and she could hear Sharky still trying to rouse Tent Two (probably trying to get Avocado out of bed)

Dot and Lilypad joined them on the bridge-Dot bouncing up and down with energy, Lilypad leaning over the railing and letting her long hair hang down. Rex waved. “Morning!”

Dot waved back. “Good morning!” 

Socks stepped out of her tent “Good morning, everyone!”

Rex propped her chin on the bridge railing. “Alright, now let’s see who gets ready first, Zero or Tent Two.”

Sprite snickered. “My money’s on Tent Two-they’ve got Flapjack to yell everyone awake.”

Rex sighed. “If not Sharky, Flapjack will yell all of us awake.”

“I HEARD MY NAME!” Flapjack threw open their tent flap, glaring vaguely in the direction of the bridge. (They didn’t have their glasses on yet)

Rex made a gesture as if to say, see?

“NOTHING!” Sprite yelled back. 

Flapjack pulled the tent flap shut violently, like a moody teenager slamming a door. 

Once Tent Two-and Zero, still looking half asleep-finally joined them on the bridge, the CITs headed off to the dining hall. Muffin didn’t pay much attention during breakfast-if she didn’t zone out, she’d get overwhelmed by how loud, which was not a great way to start the day. She shook her head, returning to reality as Zero collected her, Flapjack, Cricket, and Lilypad to go to the health center for morning meds. 

Muffin sat on the bench in the health center, tapping her foot nervously. Lilypad finished getting her medication and called out “Muffin?” 

She stood and walked into the room where the health center staff gave out people’s medication. Her shoulders relaxed when she looked up and noticed who was working in the health center today-Maple. Maple had worked at the Boy Scout camp Muffin’s parents had made her go to for years, and she’d been the only person Muffin had felt comfortable around there. She’d helped Muffin first figure out she was trans, and when she’d gotten it together enough to come out to her mom and started going to Girl Scout camp, she’d been very pleasantly surprised to find Maple had started working there at the same time, having begun her own transition. Now, Maple was one of the main things getting her through the day-even when she felt isolated from her campmates and overwhelmed by it all, there was something about knowing Maple would be there that made it easier. 

Maple had said something to her, but she didn’t catch it. Muffin gave her head another shake. “Sorry, what did you say?” 

Smiling, Maple repeated, “Good morning! How are you feeling so far?” 

Muffin looked down, her cheeks heating up. “Okay, I guess. I-slept well.” She knew Maple tended to worry about her, so Muffin always tried to give more than an “I’m fine” whenever Maple asked how she was. Even that tiny bit of information made her feel oddly vulnerable and exposed, but she felt she owed it to the person who’d helped her so much. 

Maple smiled, handing Muffin her medication. “So, what are you going to be doing today?” 

“We’re going to do arts and crafts, and, uh, make our wood cookies!” She gave an awkward thumbs-up, trying to sound excited. 

“Sounds fun! Have a great day!” Maple grinned and waved Muffin out. 

Muffin joined the other CITs, who were waiting at the door. She felt kind of self-conscious, realizing she’d probably taken too long. None of them seemed to mind, but she couldn’t rely on it-she still wasn’t entirely convinced anyone there actually liked her. 

Cricket started walking the second she saw Muffin, biting one of her nails. Flapjack grabbed her by the backpack and pulled her back, nearly yanking her straight over. (Cricket was quite small, and Flapjack quite strong)

Muffin avoided everyone’s eyes as she started walking. “Uh-sorry I took so long.” 

Lilypad smiled. “Don’t worry about it! Were you talking to Maple? She said she knew you.”

Muffin startled. “Oh-yeah, I do. She…” She froze briefly. Explaining how she knew Maple would involve way too many feelings for her liking. “...worked at a camp I used to go to.”

Lilypad smiled. “That’s awesome! She’s nice, I like her.” She hardly seemed to notice Muffin’s hesitation, and if Flapjack or Cricket had noticed anything, they thankfully kept their mouths shut. Muffin breathed a sigh of relief. While she knew she was far from the only trans or otherwise queer CIT, it was still something she struggled to really talk about, and she could never imagine herself being anywhere near as open about her identity as some of the others. Like-Flapjack. There was a confidence that radiated off of how they presented themself-how they’d clearly cut their hair themself, their unshaved body hair, how loud they spoke. They even seemed to wear their physical flaws well-the many scratched-at mosquito bites decorating their arms, the way their face turned bright red whenever they were embarrassed or excited, the silvery-white scars on their thighs that were only just starting to heal, their bitten-up fingernails, the stretch marks on their stomach that showed whenever they stretched and their shirt lifted up. None of it had anything to do with their gender, and it was definitely weird of Muffin to be thinking about all this, but wires got crossed in her brain, and now here she was, envying someone for what, being a visibly mentally ill mess? Maybe it was for the best that she didn’t tell people about her thoughts. She didn’t need to be seen as any more of a freak. 

Zero took the CITs up the unnecessarily long hike to the arts and crafts building. It was made of stone, which had become stained with paint and tie-dye over the years. The other CITs and counselors waited for them inside, having already begun painting. She sat next to Dot, who had a bunch of paints in shades of pink, orange, and yellow surrounding her. 

Dot glanced up. “Muffin!”

Taking a paintbrush and a palette with paint in her trademark white, purple, and blue, Muffin started carefully painting her wood cookie-white first, for the background. “Hi.”

Dot looked at the colors Muffin had picked out and laughed. “Wow, what a surprise.” 

She forced out a laugh. “Yeah, it’s like I’m…a cartoon character or something.” 

“Not as bad as Flapjack and that plaid bandana. Also, those colors look good on you.”

Flapjack’s head jerked up. They had been there all of five minutes and already had paint on their face and glasses. And of course, it was black and red. Flapjack had worn the same black and red plaid bandana every day since they’d gotten to camp, in a different way every day (today, it was tied to the belt loop of their jean shorts. 

Dot waved and said, “We’re talking about your plaid obsession!”

They snorted and held up their wood cookie, showing off how the back of it was painted with that iconic plaid design. 

Muffin kept painting for what must have been an hour straight. Art wasn’t her strong suit, but she found this oddly soothing, so she ended up really getting into it, putting as much detail as she could into the little muffins she’d painted on the back. When Zero called out that they had five minutes to finish up before lunch, she sat back, wiping off her hands with a paper towel.

At some point, Dot had finished her wood cookie and had started making bracelets, her entire section of the table covered in beads. She glanced up to look at Muffin’s wood cookie. “Are those your favorite colors?”

“Yeah-yeah, they are.” 

“Cool! Well, that’s convenient, cause I made you this!” With a positively theatric flair, she presented her with a bracelet with lavender and blue beads and her name. Muffin froze, taking it with embarrassingly shaky hands. 

“Oh! Thanks!” She slipped the bracelet on, staring at her still-trembling hands. Heat spread through her face, and her head dropped forward, resting on her arms. 

Dot said something along the lines of “are you okay?” but it sounded far away. It was like Muffin was falling into a black hole without all the gravity to rip her apart before she even knew she was dying. That’d be more convenient than being here right now, she thought. She’d been really into space as a kid, and a couple old books on astronomy still sat on her bookshelf at home. Home. That was also a place she’d rather be right now. Anywhere but here. Why did she think she could manage this? She couldn’t manage anything. 

More sounds behind her. Someone was talking, but she had no hope of deciphering them. And then someone’s hand on her arm. She froze. The static in her ears vanished, as if her brain had just now decided that people were worth hearing. 

“Do you want to go sit outside?’

She managed a nod and stumbled to her feet. The hand didn’t leave her arm, something she was grateful for-she feared she’d topple over without it. Muffin made it to the stairs outside the arts and crafts building and sat down. She gripped the stairs as tight as she could, the stone cold against her hands.

Someone sat on either side of her, the last thing she noticed before the world crashed back down on her and she sort of blacked out.

The cold, hard stone of the stairs was the first thing she sensed as she began coming back to herself, all her shattered pieces were knitting themselves back together. She felt tears drying on her face, her shoulders sore from how tense she’d been. Muffin swallowed a few times before she could manage to speak a stuttered “Sorry.”

One of the people sitting next to her-as her vision started clearing, she realized it was Rex-shook her head. “It’s alright, don’t apologize. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

Muffin pulled her knees up to her chest. “Why did I think I could do this?” She pressed a hand into her forehead. “I can’t-I can’t do anything. I’m so sorry.”

The other person-Koala-rested a hand on her shoulder. Her skin was warm, so warm. “You have nothing to apologize for. We’re here for you.”

Abruptly, Muffin got up, starting to pace around. “No. No, I’m sorry. I should be better. I need to-try harder. I’ll do better, I promise. I should be better-” Because that’s what her life was all about, wasn’t it? A thousand should bes and should haves, watching everyone around her grow and change while she stayed a ghost of a person. 

She began twisting the ends of her hair around her fingers.

Rex nodded. “Alright, Muffin, what do you think would help you the most right now? Again, me and Koala, and all your other counselors, are always here for you.”

Muffin paused her pacing. “Well-I-” She hesitated, realizing she didn’t know how to respond to that. “...it’s almost lunch, right? Can I just-do normal things?”

Rex smiled. “Of course!” As she and Koala walked back into the art building with Muffin, she added, “If you need to go sit out, let one of us know. We’re happy to help you.”

She nodded halfheartedly in response, her hair falling into her face. The other CITs were in the process of putting their wood cookies on a shelf to dry, and she joined them, doing her best to avoid making eye contact with anyone. Of course, that did nothing to dodge Dot immediately running up to her, talking way too loud for the situation.

“Muffin! How are you doing? Are you okay? I’m sorry if I did anything wrong-”

Muffin stumbled back. “No-you did nothing wrong, I’m…” She fidgeted with her hair again, unsure how to respond. “You’re okay. Don’t worry about it.”