Thursday, journal entry 1: 

My body shakes as if I was falling from the sky. Once I fight off my heavy eyelids, I find myself on the train. The smell of piss and rodents were definitely a factor of me waking up. 

Wiping the drool from my chin, I looked on the displayed board above me to see the next stop.

"Dekalb ave!? I passed my stop!" I said, immediately standing up.

I couldn't help it. My whole summer I spent my days waking up at noon and staying up till three am. By the time school was a week away, I had already gotten used to sleeping at the time I was supposed to be waking up.

"KSHHH, This stop is Dekalb ave, transfer is available with the Q and R train" A robotic female voice announces through the rusty train speakers.

This is it. After 8 years of fooling around with my whole life, I've finally made it to high school. A place that'll dictate where my life will end up. Not that it really matters for me anyway, I've passed middle school with honors and a high gpa. And yet, I didn't get into any of my top schools. But last place is better than no place, right?

"Please stand clear of the opening doors, please" A robotic male says.

The doors open and I squint my eyes from being isolated under the dark tunnels for so long. I walked what seemed to be a long walkway to the stairs. It was very crowded with the closest person being about a foot away from me. I mean, it was the time everyone usually clocks in for work or makes it to school.

When I finally made it to the other side of the train station, I took a seat on a graffitied wooden bench.

"How lovely," I said.

I sat down unwillingly and looked at the displayed board in the middle of the waiting platform, about 30 feet away from me. I squinted my eyes hard, the R train was entering the station in 4 minutes. I sighed and slouched on the bench.

I'm no A plus student, but I do hate arriving at school late. The eyes and judgemental stare that you receive when being the last one to enter the class is unbearable for me, especially on the first day of school. 

Nevertheless, I have to go through with it, since it's part of growing up. Sometimes I wish there was a better way out of this. A better way to get rid of social anxiety. I mean there are ways to face it, but it never gets easier. At least not for me.

Hearing the screeching noise of metal wheels pressing on the train tracks, I stood up and stretched my legs.

"Finally"

"Please stand clear of the opening doors please" the same male robotic voice says.

Whenever the doors open, I tend to stay on the side to let all the passengers out, out of courtesy. But not everyone here does that. As people exit the train, a girl my age cuts in front of me to wait on the side.

"What the hell? Did you really just cut in front of me? Why I ought ah…" I muttered.

My brain didn't go blank, I simply didn't finish what I had in mind because I don't have the balls to confront her. I mean seriously, why make a big deal out of it? It's not like it's going to kill me if she enters before me.

"Please stand clear of the closing doors please"

With my 10kg backpack, I held the rail that was installed over my head as I made myself comfortable with the girl who had previously cut me. With her airpods in both of her ears, her phone a few inches away from her face, and her legs crossed, she sat comfortably with no guilt of seeing me with a bulging backpack the size of two watermelons squeezed together. 

I said her passing me wasn't going to kill me, but her passing me did hurt my morale of not being able to say something at the very least. I will say, seeing her comfortable did make me feel a little bit better, since I would rather see someone happy than see myself the same way. 

"This is a local bound, R train. The next stop is, Atlantic barclays center"

I was happy, like really happy. And if you had to know how happy I was. When the train stopped, I looked up to the dirty and dusty train ceiling and closed my eyes while repeating the words, Thank you for not stopping in the middle of the tracks while checking for communication problems.

Believe me, it was a real thing. Trains will sometimes have to stop in the middle of the tracks to prevent miscommunication that'll cause an accident. But carrying a heavy backpack since 7:00 o'clock in the morning, I wouldn't mind going blind through the tracks if it meant getting to my stop 5 minutes early.

Just one more train ride and a 5 minute walk, I thought.

My body was running off pure adrenaline with the hopes of having at least a wink when I got to school. In every step I took, I felt my mind was taking two. By the time I made it to the F train it was already 8:55 AM.

As I searched for the displayed board on this waiting platform, I felt my shoulders aching in pain from the constant friction of my bag. It's mostly due to the sudden turns when I'm on the train. As I made it half way through the long walkway, I found the displayed board with the time of the next train.

Just 4 minutes, you got this. I told myself, adjusting the straps on my shoulders to a new position.

But that motivation quickly turned into agitation. I sighed hard, seeing kids my age with backpacks the size of a notebook sitting down on the bench made me wonder why I have a heavy backpack in the first place. 

You got to be fucking kidding me. 

I walked to the end of the stretched out platform hoping to at least pass the time. By a stroke of luck, there was a girl sitting down on a bench with 4 empty seats. I softly cheered to myself as I made my way to claim a spot. Strangely enough, she sat in the middle of the bench, almost as if she didn't want anyone else to sit with her.

Unlike me, I always sit in the corners of any bench, to give others the opportunity to have three spaces away from me if that's their choosing. When I finally stood in front of the bench, there was a foul odor coming from that area. After seeing all the seats individually, the answer was more than obvious. 

On the girl's right, there was what seemed to be melted ice cream that has marinated there for some time, already turning moldy. On both corner seats of the bench, there were chips scattered all over, as if someone had placed them there to feed whatever rodents were lurking here. The only available seat was to sit on the girl's left, which was far from a bad choice. The only problem was, the girl had been glancing at me from when I first entered her peripheral view, telling me that this seat was already reserved. Of course, pretending not to notice her stabbing glares felt like the right call. Since if I hadn't, I probably would've been having an anxiety attack from not knowing what to do. 

Come on, don't make me stay standing with a backpack the size of a boulder.

She kept glaring at me, which started to frustrate me. 

Who are you to tell me where I can sit or not?, I thought, even if she hadn't said a word.

Before regretting my entire life choices, I took off my backpack from my shoulders and took my seat next to her. I grabbed my phone to make myself look busy and prevent any conversation. But before having the chance, I felt my right cheek tingling, letting me know someone was leaning towards me.

Why the hell is she getting close to me?

Obviously terrified, I didn't look to my right. I know it might sound embarrassing, but I still can't look a girl in the eyes. It's even worse now after ignoring her obvious stares from before. 

"Excuse me!" The girl next to me said, in an energetic voice.

And she noticed.

Slowly turning my head, I met with her sparkly eyes and welcoming smile. She smelled like lavender, straight out of the detergent from back home. To be honest, if her presence and pretty face wasn't so welcoming, my face would've turned red by now from the tension of getting yelled at by a stranger, worse a girl my age.

"Yeah?" I answered softly.

"Do you go to John Jay high school for law?"

Wait, how does she know? Has she been planning this from the start?

My mind turns on one of its defensive mechanisms while trying to think of an answer that will save me without feeling terribly embarrassed.

"Ahhhhhh…yes?"

Oh great, Now she knows I'm local, I thought with tears forming in my head.

Preparing myself for the worst, I took a deep breath in while I watched her eyes widen.

"Great! I've decided then…" She said, standing up before me, having both hands near her hips. 

Is this the part where I get brutally embarrassed and shown on TV by an old CCTV camera?

I raised my hands up to my face out of instinct, waiting for a strike or two.

"You're going to be my vessel!"

"I'm sorry for taking your seat!…say what now?"

Lowering my guard, I look at her demeanor. While the train starts to pass, her hair glistens with the train's direction, her face smiles with a happiness of finding something she had been looking for, and her eyes look alive, almost as if me sitting here did all this. 

"I'm going to be your….vessel?"

End journal entry 1.