Joonho lies on the bed, watching Luke standing in front of him.

LUKE

— Are you sure about this, Joo?—

Joonho lets his gaze travel over Luke's half-naked body.

(Remind the make-up artists to add a burn mark near Alexei's navel.)

JOONHO

—I think——

(Looks into Luke's eyes)

Joonho gets up and runs his hand over Luke's body.

JOONHO

—I think I'm more than sure.—

Joonho pulls Luke towards him, kissing him.

"Fuck," I muttered, setting the script aside.

My body shuddered with anxiety just imagining having to film that scene, as though I were travelling back in time and falling into that night, when all my past self wanted was to make it through that crowd of fans and bury my head in the most hidden place I could find.

I let out a quiet huff, staring at the ceiling. My neck burned as embarrassment spread across my face. I turned my attention back to the pages of the script.

In the book, Luke and Joonho's story began in the future—more specifically, with Luke finally accepting that what he felt for Joonho went far beyond two friends simply enjoying their youth. It wasn't merely the two characters giving in to carnal pleasure one last time, but accepting their feelings for the first time since they had met.

It was the beginning and the end.

From an acting perspective, it would undoubtedly be a difficult scene, because I would have to convey not only the pleasure Luke felt—even if it wasn't shown explicitly—but also his fear, because he knew it would be the last time he ever saw Joonho.

Sitting on the sofa in my living room while the rain poured down outside, I couldn't understand how I was supposed to convey all of that. Deep down, I knew I was capable of giving a performance worthy of the scene, but how was I supposed to do it when San was going to be my fucking Joonho?

Just imagining being touched by him in the way described in the script made the hairs on my body stand on end, that heat running through my veins once again. And suddenly, my mind was back at that concert.

"Don't think about it!" I blurted, covering my ears as though that would somehow be enough to push the thoughts away.

As an actor and a bisexual man, I had no problem with being touched by another man. Men had done far more than simply touch me, whether on set or back when I was single and allowed myself certain experiences.

But San was the last man I wanted anywhere near me, which made the first day of filming enough to send my anxiety through the roof.

I wouldn't deny that most of the scenes we were going to film in London would be easier, since immediately after the bedroom scene, Luke and Joonho's story began with the two boys hating each other. Pretending I hated San would be as easy as breathing, but acting as though I loved him would be like trying to find clean air in the middle of a volcanic eruption.

I closed my eyes, breathing deeply as I did everything I could to rid myself of any memory threatening to disturb my peace.

I still had four days before filming began, so there was no reason to stress over something that hadn't even started yet.

"Be professional, Alexei," I told myself. "Be professional..."

I repeated the phrase twice before my phone vibrated in my pocket, its ringtone immediately taking over the room. I glanced at the name on the screen, and a faint smile appeared on my face, as though I'd somehow known it was her before even seeing her name.

"Hi, baby. Have you arrived yet?"

I looked at the clock on the wall opposite me.

"Yeah, about forty minutes ago. Are you on your way?"

"No," she said mournfully. "I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to cancel tonight. We've had a problem with the latest episode of the script, so we're going to have to rewrite the whole thing from scratch."

I let out a heavy breath, bringing a hand to the back of my neck.

"Fuck, I thought—"

"I'm really sorry, Alexei. I promise I'll make it up to you later, okay? I have to go now. Love you!"

"Love you..."

She hung up.

I stared at my phone screen.

Forty-nine seconds.

A strange taste filled my mouth as a silent weight settled over my shoulders. Only four months ago, it had still been perfectly normal for us to spend several minutes on a call, even when it was just to say something as simple as one of us was running late, or simply because we missed each other.

Now it was... scarce.

I didn't know whether it was some sort of neediness on my part, missing the days when our relationship existed naturally in our lives, without effort or unnecessary attempts to make up for lost time.

At the same time, I wondered whether this was normal. I'd often heard that relationships eventually reached a stage where everything fell into the limbo of everyday life. Things cooled down, even when the love was still there in some form.

That was almost what I felt was happening to us.

Trying to distract myself, I opened my call history until I found Alicia's name.

"Heeey, my loooove," Alicia sang when she answered, making me laugh at her natural enthusiasm. "How are you? How was the meeting, huh? Have you started snogging San yet? Does he smell nice? Pfft, obviously he does. I don't know why I even asked that."

I rolled my eyes.

With so many singers out there, Alicia had chosen to be a fan of the worst one of them all.

"I didn't call you so you could talk about him," I warned. "Actually, I wanted to see if you fancied dinner tonight. My treat."

"Of course it's your treat. You're the millionaire here, not me," she said with a mocking laugh. "But I'll only agree if you tell me how the meeting went."

I sighed, rubbing my temple.

"You know blackmail doesn't suit you, don't you?"

"Take it or leave it."

"The most I can do is show you a photo of the prick we took with the cast today. Take it or leave it."

"Wait, an unreleased photo of San!?" I burst out laughing, certain Alicia was screaming in her bedroom while jumping up and down with excitement. "Okay, Alex, now I want everything. The photo and the gossip. Come and pick me up in thirty minutes!"

"Hey, I didn't—"

Before I could protest, Alicia hung up on me, leaving me staring at my phone in disbelief.

I laughed to myself, knowing she was the only person capable of making me smile over anything involving that bastard San.

[...]

With Say Your Name blasting through the speakers, my ears ached as though Alicia couldn't listen to anything other than NEIGHTZ—which, unfortunately, came accompanied by a twenty-five-year-old woman trapped in the body of a teenager, screaming in my car as though she were at a concert.

It hadn't even been two minutes since I'd picked her up outside her house, yet it felt as though I'd been trapped in that car for hours.

"Come on, Alex!" she shouted, trying to encourage me.

I stopped at a set of traffic lights, imagining the people on the pavement wondering why the music was so loud and why some madwoman was bouncing around in the passenger seat.

I reached towards the dashboard when I noticed the judgemental stare of an older man walking a little golden-haired dog.

"Don't you dare," she threatened, but that didn't stop me from turning the volume down.

"I know it's your favourite, but we're nearly at the restaurant and people are staring."

"You sound like an old man, you know that? Where's the Alexei who used to dance around at clubs until the early hours?"

"He's tired and wants some peace tonight."

She rolled her eyes.

Anyone who didn't know her could easily mistake Alicia for one of those immature women who genuinely behaved like teenagers. But most of the time, Alicia was simply extroverted—although when it came to her idols, she was a little... extravagant.

"And San?" she asked, rocking her shoulders towards me. "I want my photo. Come on, show me."

I shook my head with a quiet laugh, grateful that she'd calmed down.

Taking advantage of the red light, I quickly opened my gallery, searching for the photo Lucien had sent me shortly after we finished the cast meeting.

I had to admit, I'd expected the meeting to be far worse than it actually was, which was a relief.

"We only took this one," I said, handing her my phone.

Alicia stared at the photo as I moved off when the lights changed, continuing along Whitehorse Road.

"Bloody hell, I'm so jealous of you, Alex. Just imagine how lucky you are, getting to work alongside this god."

I rolled my eyes, running my tongue along the inside of my cheek. I glanced at myself in the rear-view mirror, checking my appearance. Despite loving my black hair, I sometimes wondered whether I should change my look again, like I had for my last appearance in the adaptation of Fallen Dragons.

"You two look cute together."

Obviously, I looked cute in the photo, but San looked much more like a baby mouse...

Okay, comparing mice to San was probably insulting to mice.

"Send me that photo. I want to use it as my phone wallpaper."

"Don't hold your breath, Alicia. I can't share that photo."

I pretended not to notice her expression as I turned right, catching sight of the restaurant entrance at the end of the block.

"Alexei, send me the photo," she repeated.

This time I caught the smug look on her face, as though she genuinely believed I'd do it simply because she wanted me to.

I laughed scornfully when I looked at her, only to become slightly unnerved by the expression that appeared on her face. Alicia raised her left eyebrow and lowered her red-framed glasses, which matched her brown hair perfectly.

She didn't need more than a few taps on the screen before she spoke again while typing on her phone.

"To all of Alexei's fans, how about seeing how adorable he looks wearing my Barbie Butterfly T-shirt with that lovely haircut I call, 'Mum, I have something to tell you...'"

She finished with air quotes from both hands.

"You wouldn't be insane enough to—"

She turned the screen towards me, making me slam on the brakes when I saw the screen of the late Twitter—now X—where Alicia had attached the most embarrassing photo of me and was actually typing that caption.

"How many likes do you think this photo will get in an hour, Alexei? Fifty thousand at least?"

The car behind us honked, making me swallow hard as I continued along the final few metres of the journey.

"I hate you, Alicia. So much."

"Your choice. Make me happy with a new wallpaper, or don't speak to me for a week while this embarrassing photo goes viral."

I parked outside the restaurant, across the road, releasing my seat belt before grabbing my phone and sending her the photo. At the sound of the little notification chime, Alicia broke into a wide smile and cancelled the post.

"One day, Alicia Smith, I swear I'll figure out your password and delete that photo from your phone."

"Hey, you can't do that. Then I wouldn't be able to blackmail you anymore," she said with childish delight before turning her screen towards me. "Look, it's cute."

I took a deep breath, ignoring the urge to vomit and the temptation to throw her phone out of the car and hope some passing driver ran over it three times, leaving it in pieces.

But I didn't.

Instead, I grabbed my wallet and got out of the car, cursing every last one of my cells for agreeing to be her guinea pig during her meltdown after breaking up with the massive bastard who'd been her ex.

Damn Gustav, the Frenchman who'd treated Alicia like shit and was still finding ways to interfere with my life.

Have I mentioned that he was a bastard?

As you'd expect from Villa Sapori, my cousin's Italian restaurant—the cliché of a half-Italian man being obsessed with Italian food...—the entrance was bustling, with a little over half a dozen people waiting in line.

I waited for Alicia before crossing the road, which, thankfully, wasn't particularly busy.

At the entrance, I spotted Calum, the young man with ginger hair and a slightly crooked smile, greeting two women whom I couldn't tell were a couple or simply close friends.

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Alicia muttered, grabbing my arm just in time to stop herself from tripping over the pavement.

"Forgotten how to walk, have you?" I teased, making her narrow her eyes at me.

"How about being less of a clown and more of a butler, hmm?"

Alicia handed me her phone before crouching down to adjust something on the black heel she was wearing.

I let out an exaggerated sigh.

At the entrance, Calum finally noticed me approaching and raised a hand in greeting. Then the people in the queue spotted me.

Even though I was used to recognition and fame, sometimes I forgot that simply appearing at a restaurant could be a major event for the people who recognised me.

Or, to be more specific, for the young man with short hair and striking make-up—positively striking—who was there because he knew that sooner or later I'd turn up at my cousin's restaurant.

Heylly was an extravagant fan, but the kind I was always happy to see.

I'd probably had more photos taken with him than with my own father during our annual meetings.

It wasn't an exaggeration to say Heylly had been my first fan. I could still remember his messages of support during my first acting job, which, coincidentally or not, had been an advert for his mother's modelling agency.

"Oh, look who's here," Heylly murmured, smiling, his voice slightly high-pitched.

"Don't act like you weren't waiting for me," I teased, climbing the two steps leading to the restaurant entrance, where the lights gave Heylly's dark skin a slightly yellowish tint. "If you're here for an interview for your page, I'm afraid my lips are sealed today."

He gave a brief laugh, revealing the silver piercing attached to his gum.

"Tell me, when are you going to stop thinking so highly of yourself, hmm? I've told you, I'm taken," he said, holding up his engagement ring.

"Oh, come on. I could make you happier than he does."

"The day you become a proper Italian, I'll consider it, all right?" Heylly reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone. "My payment for putting up with you. Come on."

I rolled my eyes as I stepped closer, resting a hand on his shoulder and pulling the most ridiculous face I could think of at the time.

"See? That's why people think you're uglier in person," Alicia teased as she approached. "He always makes the best face when taking a photo, and then when fans see him in person, he pulls this face like he's just been beaten up."

"Very funny, Alicia. You can start your comedy career now."

"If you ever do a show, let me know. I'll make sure to arrange something else on the same day," Heylly added, making me burst out laughing with him.

"How about the little group stops blocking the queue?" Calum asked.

I turned around and saw a stone-faced couple, a slightly animated group of friends, and an older man with grey hair who looked as though he was trying to figure out what was going on.

"Sorry, everyone," I said, heading towards the back of the queue. "See you, Heylly! And tell Marlon to stop posting those shirtless photos. He doesn't need to show off quite so much."

"Right? I told him that today," Heylly replied, rolling his eyes as he headed towards the reception desk, where Calum was waiting for him.