Friday, journal entry 2:

It was boring once again. Finding a reason to willingly wake up at 6 o'clock in the morning to travel an hour and a half for school is impossible. 

Today I woke up like every other day, late. But I have to say, it was worth it. It helped me at the very least to keep my eyes open during the last three classes of the day.

Speaking of getting to school late, remember the girl who I thought was being greedy and trying to prevent others from sitting down on a dirty train station bench? I'm still trying to process her.

I do have a theory that she had probably grabbed one of those geek bars from the train station floor and used it out of curiosity. But then again, she didn't look like the kind of girl to do that. So she must've bought one from the store.

After making it “clear” I was going to be her vessel, she wanted to see me. She told me to meet her at the land closest to our seminary that bloomed with flowers and greenery after a full night... Basically, she wanted me to meet up at the closest park tomorrow. I don't know whether to take it as an invitation or some other weird way.

After commanding me, she slowly walked backwards into the train cart, almost stumbling as the doors closed. I was still in shock from the whole "Did a girl just talk to me?" situation. As the train doors closed, my brain still didn't register the fact that I missed the train, until it left the station. I let out a sigh.

It's currently 2:25 PM and I don't have anywhere else I want to go other than my soft queen size broken bed at home. Yet, I'm not the type of boy that would leave a girl waiting at a park when she made it clear that I kinda had to be there. Obviously, I knew there was a 99% chance I would be the one standing at that park till midnight and saying, "Well I did my part".

I started making my way towards the nearest park, Prospect Park. And I have to be honest, the distinctive smell I receive every time I enter a park like Prospect Park gives me a sense of calmness. I can't explain why, since it’s an experience you can only really understand by feeling it yourself.

Walking for 5 minutes I come across picnic chairs and wooden benches. 

"I'm pretty sure she wanted to meet…here?"

Once the realization hit me, it was already 2:40 PM. She had never told me where exactly she wanted to meet me. 

Fuck! I need to go to the entrance of the park before she goes inside.

I'm not a runner, at all. And carrying the weight of a 4 year old kid on my back had my thoughts wondering, do I really have to do all this? I mean, I just saw this girl one time in a dirty train station where kids get high and say stupid things all the time. 

I started to slow down. I mean there was no shot a pretty girl like her was taking a dork who doesn't even have the time to comb his hair seriously. Most of my life I almost start to forget that kids usually mess around with stereotypical helpless high school boys like me. And the most dangerous kids out of all of them are girls like her. Because you don't think about the dangers or manipulations that they could be using, their naturally gifted faces hide it all.

"DAMN IT ALL!" I yelled, slapping my face and sprinting down the entrance of the park.

I know, pretty corny of me. But if you're a helpless anxious boy like me, then you'd understand where I'm coming from. After watching many handsome guys my age over the years, I can't help but let the envy surge around my body when girls fall head over heels for them, every time. Is it really that easy? Many girls would even fight or break up a relationship with their friends for boys who don’t even know they go to the same school. Is the feeling of having someone that attractive really worth it? Don’t ask me, I don’t know the answer to that.

Stop slopping over him, My brain would say everytime my eyes would find a group of girls hanging around a boy. But those thoughts will only stay as thoughts, simply for the fact that if it happened to me, I wouldn't be judging.

After a 2 minute sprint, I made it to the entrance of the park. I decided to drop my heavy backpack on the floor and sit on it for a quick break while I wait.

Minutes pass, and the blaring sun makes my shirt stick to my skin. I hate when that happens. It makes me insecure of myself. Of course all I have to do is pull my shirt outwards and I’ll be fine, but that’s exactly my point. As a retired fat person myself, having to pull your shirt outwards from your skin is the equivalent of saying my shirt doesn’t fit me. Even if it’s not the case right now, I can’t help but think about seeing it that way. And when I'm reminded of my old fat self, I feel like everyone else can see the old me too.

30 minutes pass by, still no signs of a goofball running around here yet. I’m starting to think that I was the one who got stood up in the end. A regular person like me wouldn’t leave someone standing here at the entrance of a park for 45 minutes at a temperature of 87 degrees. Yet, I still have a lingering feeling that she may be here at any minute. I don’t know why, but seeing the way she proposed herself to me before, it made me think she actually wanted to see me. If someone were to ask me to meet them at 3:00 o’clock, I would arrive 30 minutes early, maybe she’s the opposite.

A full hour has passed. It’s 3:42 PM and I finally finished my 16oz bottle of water. If I’m lucky enough to leave right now, I may make it back home at 5:30pm. If I’m lucky. By the 45th minute of being here, I decided to play a little game to keep my sanity alive. What game did I play you ask? The game is called Car spotting. Very straight forward. The rules are, the very first car I see will be the car I would have to spot. And to make things even more interesting, I'll run around the park and look for the girl. Only if I spot that car, in the slim chance she’s still waiting for me somewhere. 

As soon as I began, you wouldn’t believe the car I saw once I looked towards the road.

Out of all the odds, why did I have to see a Rolls Royce?

Like seriously, universe. How am I suppose to keep my sanity up if the game I’m playing is near damn impossible to complete. I mean, it’s not impossible to see another Rolls Royce here, but it’s closer to 0 than 1%. Why? Let me put it this way, the monthly pay to have a Rolls Royce is higher compared to the monthly pay of an apartment here at Prospect Park. Why don’t we let that sink in?

It’s finally 4:00PM. I’m drenched in my own sweat, the raging light has caused me to see double the cars, my ass has changed its curved shape into pencils and notebooks, and I’m still waiting for her.

What’s the point? It was a mistake thinking she actually wanted to hang out with me. 

“DING”, I felt the vibration of my phone ring a notification.

Wait! I thought.

I stood up and took out my phone with my sweaty hands. It was a notification from my mom.

“Oh…right. I never got her phone number.”

Defeated, I opened the message from my mom which said, “why are you still over there? Are you smoking?”, the message said, translated from Spanish.

It totally slipped my mind to tell my mom about the situation, and I knew it was too late to tell her now.

I should head home. 

Since my sanity level was at the same point as my water level, I decided to take out my headphones and put on music while walking to the station.

To be honest, I was really bummed out by the fact of being stood up. It technically wasn’t my first time, but when it happens a second time, you start reflecting on it. And trying to find a reason other than because I’m an easy target, nothing comes to mind.

“BEEP” a car horn shouts at me, vibrating through my noise cancellation headphones.

“I’m so sorry sir. I wasn’t—“

A 2021 Rolls Royce Culliani was standing right in front of me, honking its horn. 

“BEEEEEP” 

“Come on kid, the light is green. Get out of here before you get hit.” the Rolls Royce driver screamed at me.

“I’m sorry sir, and thank you!”

He looked at me with a weird look before calling me a crackhead, it could've been worse.

I don’t believe in fate, nor things happening for a reason. I usually think we make our own decisions. And my decision was to leave right now and go home miserably. But, when the Rolls Royce started honking its horn in front of me, my decision had changed entirely. And it wasn’t my choice to change it, not at all. 

I dropped my bag in the same place I waited an hour at and ran inside the park. I didn’t know where to start, the park had a length of 300 by 200 meters. So I decided to run around the entire park to make sure I checked every spot.

Why am I doing this? I thought, running to every open space there was.

For a girl? To make sure she knew I wanted to meet with her? To make sure she knew I wasn't that type of kid? To make sure she knew I was waiting an hour in the scorching sun for her? Or to ask her why she wanted me to be her vessel?

After a full hour of running around the whole park, I decided to stop and go home. I walked out of the park while checking my phone.

"Wow, 5 PM. I'm definitely not going to hear the end of it" I said, looking at the warm sunset. “At least I can rest assured that she didn’t get stood up”.

 I began penguin walking back to my backpack, feeling every muscle closing in for a cramp.

I honestly didn’t mind running around the entire park like a madman. Even if she didn't know it, she had someone looking out for her. 

“I want to lay down so bad,” I said, pouting.

I turned the corner of the entrance and grabbed my bag around the dead leaves and swarming ants.

“Can someone help me carry this, please?” I asked the world.

“Awwww, is my vessel tired from running around all day?” A girl answered me.

I turn around to see the girl from the bench at the train station. With a baby face, she held a slice of chocolate cake in her hand.

She looks at the direction of my eyes, finding it funny how I stare at her chocolate cake.

“Do you want some?” She said cheerfully.

She was probably messing with me about the cake, but right now my body needed energy more than I needed a bed.

I nodded my head while extending my hand to her.

“Aww you poor thing!” She teasingly said.

She opened the container of the chocolate cake and pulled out a spoon from her pocket.

“Wait a second.” I said, snapping out from the design of the fully, milky, creamy chocolate cake.

“I was waiting here the whole time, I thought you stood me up?” 

She scooped a piece of the chocolate cake and gave it a taste. After the flavors finally registered, she let out an appetizing sound.

“This cake tastes so good! Here, you need to try it!” She said while starting to scoop up the cake once more, making sure it was a big piece. 

She didn’t listen to a word I said, and it was like her too. Her first impression at the station really showed how much she wanted to talk more than listen. 

“Here, open wide.”

Looking at her eyes, I was hesitant about opening my mouth. I knew she meant no harm, but I didn’t want to be in her debt.

“Don’t worry about it, I’m fine.” I told her, pushing the spoon away. “Sorry, but you bought that with your own money and I don’t have anything on me to pay you back.” 

I honestly didn’t want to take it. It was a small piece of cake, and since she had forgotten to peel off the price tag on the container, my decision to not take it was easier. 

$10 for a cake smaller than my hand? 

“Please, enjoy your cake.”

She plopped the piece of cake back into the container while stabbing the spoon into the original slice. Telling by her face, she wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

“You know, you don’t need to worry about paying me back.” She said, creeping closer to me in a hypnotizing way.

“Uhm, no it’s fine really.” I said, trying to keep my composure.

“After all,” she said, pulling her hands behind her back.

I leaned my head away to prevent her from trying something on me. But with the mix of seeing a beautiful girl with a hint of perfume, it made my body stop wanting to listen to my mind. And come to think of it, she's really beautiful.

What is she doing?!?!? My mind responded. 

What is she…doing? my body asked. 

I think you can tell the difference.