Does losing someone mean they’re gone forever?

I was trotting by the stream in the forest, where lichen decorated the rocks and the world was painted in a lush green. Warm sunlight sifted through the branches overhead. I yawned, stretching out my front legs and giving my fur a good shake.

I carefully dipped one paw in the water, just to check the temperature. Even in the heat of June, it was perfectly chilled. So I simply dropped inside. The river weighed me down in an oddly comforting way, and as birds chirped overhead and a breeze carried through the leaves, for a brief moment I could forget it all.

Maybe I should explain some things. Like why I’m currently chilling in the forest as a coyote, acting like I was born to be here all along.

Truth be told, I’d spent a lot of the summer like this so far. The end of May was when I started coming up to the forest every day, and throughout June I was here half the time. I guess sometimes it’s nice to leave all human responsibilities behind. To exist as a being outside of social expectations, free to do whatever I please, because who’s gonna stop me?

But now that I want to stay here more than ever, I no longer have the choice. Today was my last day before I had to start working at Le Chaise Cafe, thanks to my beloved aunt.

“Get a job,” she said, “You can’t stay cooped inside all summer” she said. Instead of letting me do what I actually wanted to do this summer, which may or may not involve visiting a certain redhead in LA, she signed me up for a job interview without my permission and now there’s really no backing out. The only thing I’m looking forward to this entire season is the Boston trip with Kiran and that-certain-redhead– which I think my aunt only approved because I told her it was with Kiran.

Aunt Priya really likes him. I do, too– I think he’s super nice, and funny, and totally anxious in an oddly endearing way. But she likes him in a different way. In an Ash finally shows interest in a boy way. Which, no, no I do not.

I dipped my head into the water, lapping up some for a drink. It was so second-nature, I’m beginning to worry I might actually spend too much time in this form. Haunted by the thought, I quickly closed my eyes and focused to shift back.

My Converse got immediately soaked by the water. I really should’ve thought that one through before shifting, because now my socks were wet and the bottom of my pants dipped on the surface a little as well. I sighed, pushing my heavy black hair out of my face.

A suspicious little bird on a branch chirped and tilted its head at me. I looked up and gave it a sharp laugh. “You saw absolutely nothing, little guy.” I pointed at it, taking slow steps backwards until I was out of the river.

I dug my hand in my pocket to feel for my car keys, just to be safe. Sure enough, they were there, jingling as rusty and weighted as ever. The old red pickup truck my Uncle Frank gave me was just about the best thing he’s ever offered me. It was beat-up and the AC had broken four times, but I learned how to fix a lot of its problems, so I guess it was nice life experience.

When I walked through the front door of Priya’s house, the smell of chicken immediately hit me. I shut the door, blocking out the evening sun, and crouched down to untie my shoes.

“Ashley?” My aunt called from the kitchen. She came around the corner shortly after, holding a syringe in her hand. “Ashley, where were you all day?”
Ash, I wanted to correct her. I didn’t. “Just hanging out with some friends.” The lie came out smooth as always.

“Which friends?” She asked skeptically, resting a hand on her hip. 

“Amethyst and Kiran. We were at the mall.” I finally managed to get one shoe off, tossing it aside to focus on the remaining one.

She nodded slowly. “...Okay. Well, get home sooner next time, yeah? Dinner is almost ready.”
“Sorry.”

Aunt Priya walked back to the kitchen. I heard the sink turn on while she rinsed something off, and the clanking of dishes as she set the table. I struggled out of the other shoe and put both of them in the designated spot by the door.

Everyone hates wet socks, we all know this. Every step I took on the tile floor was a living hell, but if I hurried down to my room to change it, she’d probably notice and get upset at me for leaving. So I accepted my unfortunate fate and sat down at the dinner table.

“You’re doing all the dishes tonight, since I cooked dinner,” Priya informed me.

“Yep.”

“Go fetch your uncle from his office.”

“Got it.” I stood up quickly, walking around the corner and up the stairs. The stupid shlep, shlep, shelp of my socks almost made me want to jump out the nearest window.

I knocked softly on Frank’s office door, which was actually just a normal bedroom that we slapped a desk inside and called it a day. He gave some kind of grunt of approval and I opened it, ducking my head inside.

“Dinner’s ready,” I told him quietly.

“Mhm,” he mumbled, not looking up from his computer screen. I didn’t press him again, I just walked back downstairs.

Dinner was a minefield. Every time my fork scraped the plate a little too much, or if I had to clear my throat, my aunt’s eyes would land back on me. You’d think I’d be used to this quiet, terrifying pressure by now– but I don’t think it’s something you can get used to.

We ate the chicken and salad in silence. It was barely seasoned, just a bit of pepper and salt like Priya liked it. I guess I can’t complain. Any food is better than no food. After several excruciating minutes of pure quiet, my aunt spoke up.

“So, Ashley. School’s starting up again in one month. Are you taking those AP classes we talked about?”
My fork paused halfway to my plate. She just had to bring up this of all things? “Uh… yeah, I’m taking AP Chem and Algebra,” I said softly, careful not to raise my voice. 

“Good. And you’re going to stay on top of them this time, right? No distractions?” She put extra inflection on that last word, clearly implying the exact thing she always implies. I tried my very best not to sigh or roll my eyes.

“Yep. I’ll have it all under control.”

“Excellent. I’m glad to hear you’ve come to your senses since last year. I think that girl being away has been very good for you.”

Very good for me? Very good for me? Sheesh. She doesn’t know the first thing about my feelings. I couldn’t even remember the last time she asked how I was doing, rather than what I was doing. Sam being in LA all summer has been nothing short of isolating. I don’t think I’d ever felt more alone in my entire life, despite having twice the amount of friends I’d ever had before. But I knew if I spoke a single peep of that out loud, it’d turn into this huge argument that I wasn’t willing to deal with logically at the moment.

“Guess so,” I whispered. I didn’t meet her eyes. And just because I’m superstitious, I crossed my fingers under the dinner table, as if the universe could take that as proof to my identity that I’m not giving up on her.

“What was that?” She asked more firmly. “C’mon, chin up. Look at me.”

My intestines felt like they were tied into a knot when I glanced up. Her icy eyes pierced through me, daggers digging into my skull. She raised her eyebrows expectantly, urging me to correct myself.

“I said yeah. Yeah, it has been good for me.”

But the sharp pang in my chest told me otherwise.