Chapter 6: September 18, 2023

Start of journal entry 4. Time stamp: 8:25:21AM

“Friends are something everyone should have.” A person might say. But who do we count as friends? Someone who invites you to eat junk food knowing you're trying to eat healthy? Someone who invites you to play games with them, knowing you're trying to study? Someone who invites you to hang out with them, knowing you have work today? 

 No. Friends are people who look out for you and respect your decisions. But I think now in the world, people see friends as giving others attention and inviting them to places. Which is part of it. But even getting invited to a party, thinking you're going to have a blast, your friends could start hanging out amongst themselves without you. So is it really the invitations and attention that makes one a friend? 

I get it, kids my age center their lives into having friends, to fit in groups and conversations. We’re social animals, naturally made to socialize and fit into groups with other people. I don’t think that’s wrong. What I do think is wrong is how people classify their “friends”. I know many people have their own way of thinking about who their friends are, so I won’t speak for anyone but myself. A friend to me is someone that I can trust. I can trust them to help me, I can trust them to stay quiet during a secret, I can trust them to be there for me, and I could trust them to see the true me. Because there’s always a part of us that hides from the real world. A part of us that we don’t open up to strangers. So until the day you see me goofing around like an actual insane person, to me you're just a stranger.

Today, the heat rays are dying out. The weather has dropped a great amount the past week. It's also been a week since I’ve last seen her. You know, her. And during the fall, there are tons of things to do. Like trick or treating, walking to school with new friends, having deep meaningful conversations in text, and even just hanging out. I would love to do these activities during the fall, but they require something I don’t have. I think you could guess what that is.

Why is everyone walking around in a group? I say, exiting the train station. 

It’s only been 2 weeks and people are already making friends? 

Currently, I’m about 4 blocks away from my school. Which isn’t bad in the slightest. The only hard part is walking past all the lovey dovey couples or excited group of kids at 8AM in the morning. I want to find a reason to be able to come to school early, with a smile on my face. But it's been 8 years since I've first enrolled in the department of education. Still with all that time, I’ve never once woke up at 6AM, happy to look forward to another day of school.

Am I the problem?

Passing my way through the other kids, I couldn’t help but watch them interacting with each other. I wouldn’t say I was envious, but seeing a couple wrapping their arms around the other's shoulder while having the look of love, it made me feel cold.

Finally reaching the block my school was in, the line for the entrance stretched far out. Meaning I was going to be late.

“So much for waking up 20 minutes earlier.” I said to myself.

Making the end of the line, I leaned by the fence of my school. Which covered the basement windows.

How crazy does this school have to be to make a steel fence to protect windows?, I thought to myself.

My school wasn’t exactly filled with the brightest people. If I’m not mistaken, on the 5th day of me being here, students in my class were already screaming at each other and gossiping. Which is part of the reason why I try my best not to interact with others. Feeling that if I do, I may be the one at the end of the gossip.

3 minutes pass by, I finally make it to the entrance door. Yet, there’s still about 100 steps I need to take before seeing the first obstacle of two. So to relieve my boredom, what better thing to do than to spy on other people’s conversations and gossip!

I know, I said I wouldn’t interact with other people to keep myself safe from being the next big talk of the school. But to be fair, I’m not really interacting. It’s more so listening to what they have to say about the drama of the school. 

Being in front of two girls that seemed to be sophomores, they started talking in a low volume. But since the line was so short and tight, I was still able to understand their mildly weird gossip.

“Oh my god do you remember the girl from last year?” The girl with dirty blonde hair asked.

The other girl, with red hair, gasped while grabbing the other girl’s shoulder, trying to express her astonishment.

“No way! didn't she leave? She’s such a weirdo.” she answered.

“Seriously. I don’t know why she keeps thinking that people like her.” 

“It’s not even that. She’s just so annoying and talkative. She doesn’t know when to shut up.”

Yikes, I thought. Why are they flaming a girl this hard? Is she really that bad?

To be perfectly honest, I was 100% reeled in by their conversation. But as I reached the second doorway, I had to prepare my bag for inspection. What inspection? Since my school is surrounded by people uninterested in learning, we have x-ray scanners at the entrance of the cafeteria for our backpacks. Just in case some of the gossip becomes overwhelming.

Reaching the two x-ray scanners, I unstrapped my backpack and took it to my hand. The two girls in front separated to each machine, I followed the dirty blonde one to the left machine.

“I swear, these scanners are the sole purpose of getting me late to school.” I said, placing my bag through the scanner. I waited for the security guard controlling the scanner to give me a thumbs up, before walking through the metal detector. After my bag came out, I quickly laced it back on my shoulders and started walking towards the exit of the cafeteria, with the same girls as before, in front of me.

Hmm, let me see if they can tell me more about that girl.

As I suspiciously crept closer behind them, “we” made our way up the staircase to the 2nd floor. 

“Hey, should we invite her to join our group?” The dirty blonde haired girl proposed.

“What?!” The other girl responded, looking behind at me and giving me an unexpected attitude.

What the hell did I do?

She looked back at the other girl while whispering, “Why? She’s annoying and out of her mind. Don’t you remember what she was telling us before?”

“I know what she said. But obviously we're not going to accept her, we’re just gonna ask her to meet us at the train station and never go. Maybe then she’ll leave us alone.” 

The red-haired girl smiled while saying, “Girl, you're smart! Let’s hope she’ll finally leave us alone after.” she said, almost giggling.

Why? I thought. If the girl’s really bothering you that much, why don’t you just tell a teacher about it? Why gaslight her into thinking she’s going to be a part of a group? 

I know how it feels to dream. And dreaming about being part of a group is something I dream often. But people, like these two girls, are the reasons why I wait for someone to come to me. What do I mean? Because I’d rather wait for an opportunity that may never come, than to think I have an opportunity that was never really there. Kids in society would do a lot of things to get attention or look cool in front of their classmates or friends. And they affect others, others who are victims with hopes of having something that other kids take for granted.

In conclusion, I rather dream of having something real, since it's better than having something that is only real in a facade. 

“She’s so stupid with her ‘vessel’ conversations. I mean seriously, she has to be missing a chromosome to be able to blabber so much of that memory talk.” the dirty blond girl says, while using her fingers to quote.

“Yo.” I said, pissed off. 

But I didn’t mean to say it out loud, it just came out.

When they looked back, their eyes showed fear. I didn’t know whether it was because my face looked like a mess or I called them out. But little did they know, I was a wimp.

“Ah sorry, I uhh, didn’t mean to say that out loud. Sorry.”

Realizing how much of a push over I was, they laughed with relief. 

“I thought we were gonna get yelled at or something.” the dirty blonde hair girl told her.

“Me too,” the red haired girl said, smirking.

Yeah yeah, laugh all you want. At least I’m not a wimp and a horrible person. I thought, with a big emphasis on the “and”.

They made their way through the doors of the 2nd floor, walking faster to keep me off their conversation.

“Tsk, acting like I wanted to follow you.” I said.

As I made it through the doors, I walked slowly to my classroom. Why? To mentally prepare myself for the second of the two obstacles I had to face today. Which one is that you asked? The second obstacle is social anxiety.

How fun, I sarcastically thought.

You probably think I’m joking around, but I’m not. For me, entering a classroom late is the equivalence of anonymously asking someone out. How? Because If I anonymously ask a girl out, she's most likely hoping for someone majestic, clean, handsome, tall, and overall attractive. Someone she can see without feeling disgusted. But when the time comes to see her, she won't help but look at me with disappointed eyes. Eyes that say she'd rather be stood up than to see me here. And it's the same with entering a classroom late. Students usually wait for their friends, boyfriends, girlfriends, substitute teachers, or someone interesting to boost their morals. So when they hear the classroom door creaking open, they look up with excitement for the first time, hoping to see their favorite person. However, seeing my face ranked as a four out of ten in the entire world, they can't help but feel worse than before. 

"I think I'll just wait here for a bit." I said to myself, waiting beside my classroom door.

It was 8:35AM, about 30 minutes before the next period. 

The hallway had the faint echoes of teachers and students having conversations in their classrooms.

Other students started entering from the staircase. As I watched them walking into their classes without a second thought, I stared at the wall in front of me, thinking, why must I be so difficult?

I didn’t voluntarily choose to wait here to ease my nerves, my body just forcefully does so. Thus, I make myself tell my thoughts that I wanted to stop, to install the feeling of having control with the choices I make. Even when I’m aware that I don’t. 

I hate myself for that. Not being able to control my own body is something I regret. Besides, controlling it now is almost unattainable, seeing that every time I try, it keeps finding its ways to block me off. 

Therefore, I let it go, in hopes of finding someone who could show me the ropes of handling it better than I could ever.

“Why can’t I just go inside the class?” I moped.

“Do you need help?” A voice asked.

No way, it can’t be her!