"No. Sorry I was…" 

She waited for my response. The other guy just looked at her with confusion. He stared at her face with an intention. An intention that I've seen many times before.

Oh, it's probably like that.

I'm sorry. I actually wanted to come back and keep you company." I said, looking away from her.

I was stupid for thinking she was waiting for me.

"But it seems you already have someone."

Why can't this anxiety just give me a heart attack already?

"I'm sorry for bothering you." I said, turning around. “Bye.”

“Miles? Wait, hold on.” she said.

“Just leave him alone. Let him be.” the guy said, in a soothing voice.

Hearing him talk to her like that made me throw out a reaction out of my face. It wasn’t a good one at all. 

I couldn’t help but bite my teeth. Not because she had someone waiting for her instead of me. But because I believed she was waiting for me.

I always do this to myself, I thought with a smile on my face.

“Miles!” She called again, right when I was opening the staircase door.

It’s fine. You don’t have to explain it to me.

I could hear her going up the steps as I froze in place, looking out the window of the staircase door. 

I shouldn’t have assumed.

“I want to tell you something.” She told me.

You don’t have to keep pitying me with your presence. 

“Yeah?” I asked, turning to face her.

Just tell me. Tell me that you don’t want to see each other anymore.

“Do you want to read some of the writings together?”

You just want to make me feel better. To not make me feel left out. I get it. 

"It's fine. Don't worry. I don't want to bother you." I told her. 

So please, don't comfort me with lies. 

"You're not! I would actually prefer your company a lot~"

Don't give me false attention for your own entertainment.

"I think you're fine with your other friends, no?" I said softly.

Don't use my loneliness for your way of taking me into your spell.

"Hmm? What are you talking about?" she asked, looking behind her.

Don't use your gifted, cute face and voice to convince me.

"Nevermind. We should head to class. It's almost the end of this period." I said.

Don't look at me with those eyes.

"Are you sure?"

Eyes that could capture anyone's attention in a heartbeat. Even a social loser like me.

"I just don't want to be an upset to you." I told her, sincerely. "You're a great girl. It's fun being around you. But, I think I'm not a person you should be hanging out with."

Create distance.

"You're very social. And I'm just someone who can only respond and never ask a question."

Shut your heart out.

"You don't have to spend your time with someone who can't give you what you want."

Save her from regret.

"So you don't have to keep this act."

The regret of spending her precious time with me.

I looked down at her feet. I didn't want to see what her face had become. I didn't want to see her pure reaction to my words. It was true that I didn't want her to waste her time with me. But, I only meant it if she was just toying with me. If she was just using me for her own benefit. I don't want to be used by anyone. Nor do I want to be alone for the rest of my high school life. If you really want to spend time with me because of me then say it. Don't just give me the attention that I've dreamt of my entire life, just for you to leave and never give me your name. 

"Hehe, you're funny when you talk like that. You know?"

"Huh?" I said, with my face heating up. "Did you even listen to me at all—"

She grabbed my hand tight. Then, she pulled me to the staircase.
"Hey! Did you even listen to a word I said?"

Letting her take me, I thought, Why does she always do this? What makes me so different? Why must I feel this way?

After she led me to the wall again, she sat down while looking up at me. Waiting for me to sit down too.

"Come on! Let's read some of the writings!" she told me with enthusiasm.

"Do we have to?" I asked. "I think your other friend wanted to…"

Realizing it was just the two of us now, I looked at her with confusion.

"What are you talking about silly? Hurry. Let's read some of the messages people left."

I thought of asking where the kid went, but she really wanted to read the writings on the wall. The least I could do was shut my thoughts out and give her what she wants.

"Alright."

I sat down three steps above her, watching her browse all the writings through her eyes. 

"Have you ever read these writings before?" she asked.

I looked at the wall.

Should I tell her I spend most of my time reading all the writings this period?

"Yes," I said.

Just keep it simple.

"Really?" She said with a higher tone.

"Yeah. I thought of reading some of them. It kinda felt weird not to."

"Ohh. In that case. Do you have a favorite writing?"

I paused my mouth's position. I only moved my eyes to keep scanning the writings. 

"My favourite?"

"Yeah. Which one do you like or speak to you the most?"

"Hm. I haven't really thought about it like that. I mostly read them because they have weird topics."

"Haha you're right. I remember seeing a message about investing for better school lunches. It was hilarious."

I wouldn't have guessed she would read that writing. It was the one that stood out with me. It also made the most sense for writing it down on a dirty staircase. 

"You know, most of these writings are just for entertainment. Or even just to see other people's opinions. People just get bored. So they like to write their ideas here, when they don't have anybody to tell." she said. 

I looked at her. She didn't have a smile. Nor a frown. She was serious. Seeing all the writings and different types of sensitive topics some people may have written down made her concentrate on reading them all. 

"Do you like reading?" I asked.

"Not really. I would rather watch a movie or a tv show based on a book than read it." she said, while I watched her eyes go from left to right. "But reading what people have in mind like this is a bit different for me."

"Different in how?"

"There are many kids at school that have a lot of things they want to say. Yet, most of their ideas or opinions stay with them. They never get to speak it to life."

Yeah I get what you mean. It's hard being an introvert.

"Why do you think that is?" she asked me.

"Uhm. I don't really know." I said, while reading. "But at least for people like me. I think it's because we don't think our thoughts or opinions are as valuable as others. I'm more than happy to listen to others speak rather than give my own opinion about it."

She became silent after I answered her question.

Did I bore her? Or was she just not listening?

Turning to face her, she was already looking at me. With a confused face.

"In simple terms, I think other people have better opinions than me."

"But why would you give yourself less value?" she said, creeping a step closer to me.

"I'm not undervaluing myself. It's more so saying other people's thoughts are more important to me than mine."

"But you shouldn't think like that. You should say what's on your mind."

I sigh while saying, "It's really not that bad. I actually enjoy hearing other people out."

"Are you sure? I feel like everyone has something to say out loud. Even if it's something completely out of the ordinary."

Yeah you're right. But it's hard when you don't know how others might react.

"Do you care what other people might think or react when you say something weird?" I ask.

"Nope." 

Woah. That was quick.

"There's no point Miles. We're all never going to see each other again. We only have one life to enjoy and say what's on our mind. So express it!" She said while raising her arms wide.

Yeah, tell that to my body.

"Hey. if you ever need someone to express your feelings with. I'm here. Kay?" she told me.

"Yeah. Thank you." I said, looking around the wall to distract myself.

Oh wait.

"They responded!" I said with confusion.

"Huh? Who did?" she asked, coming closer to me.

"This writing that I've responded to." I said. Looking at the response.

"Oh." she said.

Though it was a brief sentence, I was really excited to see the person was able to see my response. Even if it was utterly worthless to them. 

I moved my head closer to read the writing. It said, "Thank you. I found the person that makes me happy again. So there's no need to worry. I'll live my days with life again." 

"Ah. So they're doing alright." I said directly to the writing.

"Wait, you know the person who wrote that?" she asked, looking at the handwriting.

"Well I didn't before. But after this response I think it's safe to say who that person is." 

"Awww. You're so kind for writing that response to them."

"Yeah."

It shouldn't matter.

"It is. Isn't it?"

So why does my body still tremble?

"I'm glad he found someone to spend their time with." I said, looking at her face.

"Yeah! I know if I was in their position, I would want to spend every last second with someone very precious to me."

I'm just lonely.

"Yeah, me too."

I'm used to being lonely.

"Really??" she said in a playful voice. "Who would you spend your last days with?"

So control this terrible feeling.

"I don't really have anybody to spend my time with other than my family."

Control it from affecting anybody else. 

"Oh. Well if you ask me." she said, standing up in front of me. "If I had to pick someone, I'd pick you."

Don't ask for more than you can have.

"Yeah" I said with my heart pounding. "I think I would pick you out of everyone else."

You're not worth it.

"Huh?!" 

She's just being nice to you.

"Yeah. I've kinda spent most of my time with you then I have with anybody else."

So let this feeling go.

"Are…"

Let her go.

"Are you asking me out!" She yelled.

Don't make a decision you'll…

"Y-Yes." I said with no confidence.

…Regret. 

Pause of journal entry 4. Time stamp: 10:29:59AM