Resume of journal entry 4. Time stamp: 10:30:05AM

I don’t spend most of my time outside my house anymore. I usually isolate myself in my room where nothing else matters other than the game I’m playing. It’s a sad life, but I didn’t choose it myself.

Socializing was something I always wanted to do since middle school. 

I talked with my classmates, followed the group, and even did their homework for them.

And somehow, I still ended up being the one receiving no attention.

Is that what I strive for? 

If people don’t want to be friends with me then I won’t make a fuss about it. But please tell me why?

Why is it so unbearable to have me as a friend?

I want to know. I want to know what’s wrong with me. If maybe it’s my expressions or the way I talk or the way I carry myself. I want to know all of it.

I don’t want to be a burden to anyone. I just want to make friends. I just want to be happy like everyone else. I want to do the things that friends do. 

All I want is to be myself. To be a person where I can feel free and not make people feel weirded out by my true self.

But I can’t have both at the same time. 

My body forbids it.

“I was joking.” she told me straight up.

“I know, don’t worry about it.” I told her.

“Wait, but I didn’t mean it like that!” She tells me with emotion.

I looked straight into her eyes. She looked as if she was still trying to process everything that had happened. But her body knew what to say, as well as mine.

“You don’t have to sugar coat it for me. It’s not something bad, really.”

“But wait, you just caught me off guard. I want to explain something to you first.” 

I sighed. I feel the pain sinking deep in my chest. My eyes felt watery from the inside. I could feel my mouth shivering from the rejection. 

“It’s okay. I know you don’t feel the same way.”

“No Miles. I’m not trying to say I don’t want to be with you.”

I didn’t want to talk anymore. I felt my throat tightening up with my eyes almost bursting with tears.

I’m such a loser for this.

“Can I tell you something?” She asked me.

I nodded my head while frowning my eyebrows.

GIVE ME THE FINAL BLOW, I thought to make myself laugh.

“I’m moving out in a few months. So even if I’d say yes. I wouldn’t be able to stay by your side.” She said, before changing into a hyperactive voice. “And I don’t want you to feel hurt after I leave. I’m pretty sure I would leave a very big impact on you!” 

“Oh” I said. “You're leaving?”

“Yeah. I’m only here temporarily before I have to go somewhere else.”

“I see.” I said, feeling the weight of my backpack getting heavier.

I didn’t really know which was worse. The fact I got rejected or the fact that I won’t have anybody else after she’s gone.

“I’m sorry if I put some pressure or weird things on you. I could’ve kept it to myself.”

“NO, that’s great that you feel that way. I’m just glad that you trusted me enough to say what's on your mind.” she said, in a kind voice.

It is. But it doesn't matter if you're just going to leave.

“Thank you though.” I told her.

“Hmm? For what?”

“Just for being here. I enjoy the time that you give to me. Even if it’s something dumb or something crazy, I’ve actually had a great time with you.”

Her face turned all bubbly with her hands near her face. 

“Stop it, you're going to make me want to kiss you again.”

Really?

I couldn’t help but laugh. Tease or not, I really enjoy her weird conclusions or uncorrelated responses.

“Hey! I’m serious! You shouldn’t say stuff like that to a girl out of the blue.” She told me.

“I guess you have a point.”

DING DING DING, the bell rang a second time.

“It’s time to head to class.” I said, looking at her slightly pink face. “I’ll see you around.”

“Hold on one moment!” She yelled.

Hmm? What now?

“You still remember to meet me on October 3rd, right?” She asked me.

“I thought it was the 1st.”

She squinted her eyes on me before reaching into her pocket. She pulled out a green sticky note that was crumbled and torn. 

“Oh you're right. Sorry about that.”

She gave me an awkward chuckle before putting her sticky note back.

“You better meet me there. I’m going to plan a lot of things for you to do!”

Oh no, more trouble.

“Are you sure?”

I only asked to make sure she still wanted to spend time with me. If I knew I only had a few months left in school, I would make sure to spend it well. 

“Yeah. I’m gonna make sure you’ll have at least one friend before I leave!” She said running down the stairs.

“Huh? Wait, you're gonna help me with what?”

“Don’t be late!” She said, echoing through the stairs.

How did she know?

I’m pretty sure I never told her anything about my past life. I never told anyone. Mostly because I don’t want to be a burden to others.

But how did she know?

Opening the door to my math class, I felt the eyes of everyone around me. 

“Miles, you are late. Sign the late book.” my math teacher told me.

“I’m sorry miss.” I told her.

I began writing my name and the time in the late sign-in notebook, on a desk near the front of the door. After finishing, I walked to my table that I was assigned to.

Just me and one other student.

The classroom was positioned in the opposite way than it normally should be. When entering, you end up in the back of the classroom while the front is on the other side of the room. So, I sat on the table near the exit of the room, behind the whole class.

How did this happen? I thought, while feeling a ferocious tension by my table mate.

“I thought you weren't gonna come in…” she said in a serious tone.

“Uhh, what makes you say that?” I said.

“Oh. I don’t know, maybe because you came in 5 minutes late to class after touching my a—“

Since she was speaking so loud, I had to cover her mouth before the whole class would have a new conversation to talk about.

“Alright I get it, just be a little silent.”

She grabbed my hand that was on her mouth and pushed it away.

“Don’t do that again.” She grunted.

I leaned for my backpack, taking out my notebook and pencil.

“Could I see what you have in your notebook? I think I missed the first slide.”

“Nope.” she said with an attitude.

“Oh alright.” I said.

I didn’t mind if she didn’t want to share her notes. I mean it was my fault for getting to class late. And she was copying another set of notes.

Uhh this is what I get for being late.

“Here” she told me.

“Woah, you finished writing your second set of notes already?”

“No I didn’t. So hurry up and write it down.”

“Thank you.” I told her.

She kept her eyes on the smart board in the front of the room. 

I wrote the notes quickly and gave her notebook back.

“What were you doing anyway?” she questioned.

I let out a worried expression before thinking, I can’t tell her what I was doing.

“I was just walking around the halls. I like having a minute of silence to myself.”

She gave me a side eye with her mouth closed in a way where she didn’t believe me.

“Keep wasting your time man. I don’t know what to tell you.”

“Huh? It’s only 5 minutes.”

“5 minutes is valuable time. You could’ve understood the simple definition of how the Pythagorean theorem works.”

I guess?

“You should take an example from me.” She told me with pride leaking out of her grinning smile.

“You should worry about yourself, you know. Last time I checked, you gave me the wrong instructions to meet you eye to eye.” I fought back.

I was looking straight at the teacher when I told her that. I wasn’t facing her, but I knew I had struck a nerve.

Here we go.

“You…” she said before going silent.

Oh no I think I actually pissed her off.

I slowly turned to my right. In my peripheral view, I saw her face blistering with joy.

“I just realized what your punishment is going to be.” She said with a hint of excitement in her voice.

“You have to ask a girl by the end of the year.” she said while holding back her laugh.

“I already did.” I told her with a smirk.

“WHA—“