The smoke filled my lungs, bringing momentary relief. I knew it wouldn’t solve my problems, but with every drag of the cigarette I felt lighter, as though the chocolate staining my T-shirt was the least of my problems.

   And it really was.

 

   I knew that sooner or later things between Ayla and me would come to an end, but the discomfort that came with it was unexpected. Not in the way it was affecting me, forcing me to keep a smile on my face even when all I wanted was to lock myself at home and not leave my room for a while.

   Part of me wanted to go back, call her and tell her it had been a mistake. All I needed to do was say that I had acted on impulse when I couldn’t bring myself to keep kissing her that night and ended our relationship without a second thought. I could say that I had been tired and stressed, and that was why I had acted without thinking properly.

   However, as much as some of that was true, perhaps ending things had been the right thing to do — even if it still felt like the complete opposite.

   I took another drag from the cigarette, watching Lucy leave the café with a T-shirt in her hands as she came towards me. I pushed myself away from the car, letting the smoke escape through my nose before dropping the cigarette butt onto the ground and stamping it out.

   “Think this will do until you get home?” she asked, throwing the T-shirt towards me.

   I caught the grey T-shirt, the design of a sleeping kitten on the front being ridiculously cute.

   “Anything will do,” I muttered, leaving it draped over the car’s wing mirror.

   I took my shirt off right there, not caring who might see me in that situation in the middle of the street.

   “The scene cut went the way Lucien wanted, so you’re free to go home for today,” she continued, opening the car door and grabbing her bag from the back seat.

   “Don’t you want a lift?”

   “No, my Uber is almost here.”

   I narrowed my eyes.

   “You’re going on a date, aren’t you?” I teased, making her expression harden. “The last time I saw you looking like that, you were about to introduce me to that painter. Going out with him again?”

  “Jake?” she asked mockingly. “You’re seriously out of date, Alexei. None of this is any of your business, but yes, I’m going on a date.”

   “Who—”

   “No, no, no,” she repeated, shaking her index finger at me. Lucy glanced at herself in the car’s wing mirror, checking her golden curls. “I’m not telling you anything beyond that.”

   “Since when did your dates become a state secret, Lucyzinha?”

   She smacked me on the shoulder, making me laugh.

   “None of that Lucyzinha. You can go home, and make sure you learn tomorrow’s lines properly, alright? No more delays. I understand why it happened today, but tomorrow is another day.”

  I sighed, feeling that weight settle back onto my shoulders.

   Lucy walked down the pavement. At the entrance to the café, San stepped outside beside his bodyguard, making me roll my eyes. It was ridiculous how important he thought he was, walking around with a bodyguard that size as if someone were actually going to try and kidnap that sack of shit to use as fertiliser somewhere.

   I scoffed, getting into the car before the stress could get to me again.

   Although, if I did get stressed, at least I’d have a new distraction to occupy my mind.

 

   When San threw that chocolate at me instead of the water, the only thing that crossed my mind was how much more spontaneous his expression had looked than rehearsed. But I took the opportunity to let it out, not caring whether he had done it on purpose or not.

   I knew he hadn’t, but getting some of my anger out had done me good, even if the side effect was having San’s face stuck in my head for several hours while I dwelled on what had happened.

[...]

   A lover cannot feel everything he wants to, because not everything is meant to be felt, but rather understood. A lover does not earn that title simply by loving someone, but by understanding that feeling guides him through situations his heart was not prepared for.

   Loving Ayla had had that effect on me, especially at the beginning of our relationship. During those first few days when I realised I was falling in love with her, I felt that my heart wasn’t ready to experience it, even though my mind insisted that fear was nothing more than an unfounded insecurity.

  Love didn’t have to be synonymous with pain, nor did it have to hurt, and I think that was what made me understand my love for Ayla as something complicated to explain, but simple to feel.

  Lying on the sofa, that bitter taste in my chest was horrible. I didn’t like feeling that way. I hated suffering over choices I knew were right, but which, in that moment, caused me more pain than I could bear.

  I threw the headphones across the room, burying my head into the cushions in an attempt to silence the voice in my head which, for some reason, was insulting me and begging me to call Ayla.

   “Those weren’t the headphones I lent you, were they?”

   My body froze.

   My fingers lost their grip on the cushions as Alicia pulled them away from on top of me. I tried to hide my face. I didn’t want to be seen like that, but I should have known this would happen after refusing to answer her calls.

   “Oh my God, Alex…”

   My chest burned, and all I could do for the next few minutes was cry silently, because it was the only thing I could do.

   Actually, it wasn’t.

   But in moments like that, all I wanted was to behave like a brat who had lost his favourite toy and no longer knew what to do.

   When I had cried enough, I turned my face and saw Alicia on the other side of the room, staring at me as though she were looking at an alien.

   “How about a shower, eh?” she suggested. “It’s alright if you want to suffer, but let’s do it differently.”

   “I don’t want to go out.”

   “Oh, sorry,” she said, getting up from her seat. “Did it somehow sound like I was asking?”

   Alicia approached, bringing her hand towards my ear.

   “Ow, ow, ow,” I grumbled, getting up before she could rip a piece of me off.

   “Go get ready, Alexei. I’ll give you ten minutes before I come upstairs and drag you out.”

   Fifteen minutes later, I was slumped in the passenger seat, staring at my reflection in the mirror while Alicia drove through the streets towards somewhere I still didn’t know.

   Honestly, anywhere she took me would have a hard time changing my mood.

   That is, if I hadn’t recognised the corner we turned at, followed by the main road leading towards the north of the city.

   “No, no, no,” I blurted out, sitting up in my seat. “Alicia, turn around. Please.”

   Alicia glanced at me, reaching towards the dashboard and turning up the volume of that bloody song, which, for some reason, was a duet set to a depressing indie beat.

   I knew what that meant, so I hardened my expression as I lay back against the seat, resigned to the absurd idea of going to my parents’ house.

   I should have known she would do this the moment she made me leave the house, but I had been so worried about figuring out how I was going to avoid being seen like that that I had forgotten Alicia would take me straight to the people who would definitely make me forget about Ayla…

 

   Even if in a rather unconventional way.

   That indie beat continued, until the male voice became more emotional, but before it reached its climax, Alicia stopped the car in front of the large garden separating the pavement from the white front door.

   The lights on in the living room made it obvious that Alicia had warned them we were on our way, completely ruining my plan to run down the street before my parents realised I was there.

   I sighed, letting go of whatever remained of my discouragement.

   Alicia took off her seatbelt and opened the door.

  “If you go in looking like that, it’ll be worse, so at least try to hide it a little, Alex,” she advised before leaving the car with a wide smile on her face.

   Knowing her as well as I knew the palm of my hand, I was certain Alicia was celebrating beneath that carefree look and closed-lip smile.

 

   The cold hit me hard when I stepped out of the car, making me regret not grabbing a coat when we left, even though Alicia had advised me to take my jacket.

   “You didn’t tell them…”

   “That you broke up with Ayla, had an argument in the middle of filming and are eating yourself alive with regret? No, I didn’t tell them. I only said we were coming over for dinner.”

   “At midnight?”

   She shrugged.

   “Your dad suggested it. What was I supposed to say? You know I love his cooking.”

   I rolled my eyes sarcastically.

   “And here I was thinking you were here for me, when really this is all about feeding your endless appetite.”

   I took a step towards the house, but Alicia grabbed my arm.

   “Let’s do this, Alex. We’ll have dinner, you’ll have a little fun, drink wine until you pass out on your parents’ sofa, and tomorrow I’ll take you home, alright?”

   “Look, that would be an excellent plan, but I can’t drink. I’ve got work tomorrow.”

   Alicia raised her eyebrows.

   “Your choice. But you’re not working today, so let’s throw caution to the wind and have a little fun with your parents.”