now playing: break my baby by KALEO

RAINIER

Current days.

Edge of the Tangled Forest, Exos Empire.

There are moments where you must forget yourself so you can do your job properly, forget your morals which you grew up forging, forget your pride as a human and forget your free will. Some would argue you can keep all of those and still do work, that you have a choice. But do we really?

One thing I know is that I have none. No choice in the work I must do, no choice in which morals I must forsake, no choice in those I must harm.

“Why am I being sent to that forest?” the yell of the Knight pierces the night, no one can hear him anyway, we're miles away from any civilization.

“You know quite well why, Gael, you were a good Knight when we met, what happened to your honor?” The words leave my lips with a bittersweet taste, personal thoughts aside, the Knight’s doom was brought forth by himself.

Everyone knows to never cross the Crown Prince. Alkaios might, most often than not, be kind, sweet and fair, however he's not the future Emperor by blood alone.

More similar to his father than he would like to admit, there isn't a way to survive angering him.

Be it by legal ways or not.

And at this moment, the Knight’s execution isn't exactly legal.

In charge of protecting the Second Prince in the shadows, he thought he could neglect his work, due to stupid assumptions that the Crown Prince doesn't actually care for his brother.

If he didn't, he wouldn't have put a tail on him, your moron, I think staring down at the Knight. In the darkness of the night there isn't much we're able to discern, and using mana is too risky. Next to me are two other Knights, but I'm the only one with my face exposed.

“Honor? There is no honor in what you're doing!” The Knight shouts back, his eyes red from the tears and his tied arms start to bleed through his clothes as he struggles against the rope.

I don't answer, there's no use. “Take him away”, I whisper and the others comply, shoving the Knight over their shoulders and walking away. It'll take them a while to reach the forest… I need to go back for morning training.

My thoughts are a mess, so much that needs to be done and Alkaios seems to only entrust them to me, not that it isn't flattering… However, sometimes I wish to not be the only one he and Evangelist trust.

And it doesn't help that the aide betrayed him, a sigh leaves my lips as I slowly begin to walk back to the carriage.

Instead of going back to the Bauldry State, I stop at the edge of the Capital a few kilometers away from where I was before, there aren't many people at the gate and the darkness of the night hides me from the guards that might recognize me. 

The Blessed Forest looks mesmerizing at night, owning its name due to the silver glimmer of the trees, courtesy of the Moon goddess. And the name doesn't come solely by the appearance of the forest, but the abundance presence of sprites inside, also making the people believe its grounds are blessed by the goddess. The lack of monsters or any other creatures besides harmless herbivores are a strong indicator that it is in fact true that the goddess blessed the Forest.

But although many use the Forest for foraging and even children play within, it isn't without some dangers as where the Blessed Forest ends, the Tangled Forest begins - where I was just moments ago. The Tangled Forest borders with the Blessed Forest and proceeds to extend until the beginning of the East Dukedom. It’s known for its vines and difficult to navigate grounds, it's also crawling with animals that were contaminated with monster blood, making them unpredictable and dangerous, that’s why most people never even get near there.

But to trained Knights, it was just another routine hunt to cross its lengths. Even myself, I lost count on how many times Alkaios sent me in hunts at the Tangled Forest.

That is not why I'm here, though. Slowly I enter the Blessed Forest, the glimmer of the trees illuminating my way, it takes quite the walk until I finally reach an open field. If I were to walk a few more meters I would reach the Tangled Forest border. 

A place clean and well-kept for a place abandoned in the middle of a Forest, with a big field of gardenias’ bushes and other medicinal herbs, the strong scent of the flowers fills the field. At the middle there is a small cabin, built with local dark wood, and everything is exceptionally well preserved for a place so hidden. As it should be, I think, slowly walking.

My little sanctuary and the reminder of my life as a commoner. Tonight I don't plan on sleeping inside the cabin, so I sit at a small wooden bench I attempted to make a few months ago. The wood is almost rotten but it does the work, tumbling my fingers across the bench, pouring my mana on it. I watch as the wood becomes livelier, as if it came from a sturdy and high-quality tree. 

I lean back, closing my eyes and filling my lungs with the scent of the flowers my birth mother used to love. Slowly I release more of my mana, the secret of how I keep this place so well kept even without visiting it that frequently.

‘Life would be much harder without Mana’, my birth father's voice comes to mind. It took me many years to understand what he meant, sometimes I wish my mana started to manifest when I was still with them by my side, it would spare me much frustration.

‘Due to the refinement of Mana Stones, the Exos Empire became a pool of unique Mana holders’, once the Countess said after I made the State garden grow too much with my Mana leaking. She kindly explained to me why no one could teach me how to use my Mana, and why I must struggle so much to control it. ‘Its a miracle of the gods that you possess such beautiful Mana, Young Master, Healing Mana is a blessing', she is so unnecessarily religious. I never saw my Mana as a gift, it was just something I was born with and must bear it, just like being poor, unlucky and having the curse of perfect memory.

One thing I must admit, having Mana with healing properties did help me with my sword training, as no matter how tired I got, how hurt or even how frustrated, I would always be able to get back up as if nothing happened.

Saving Alkaios life was facilitated as well. Poison? I'm immune to all of them. Weapons? Unless they pierce my heart or brain I'll survive. Using my body as a shield was always effective.

Slowly I open my eyes, feeling sleepy after spending too much Mana to revitalize the garden and replace the barrier surrounding the field with a new one.

Funny how being in this place can ease the pain in my heart while also makes me feel incredibly lonely.

After Alkaios’ crowning, we haven't sat down to talk as friends anymore. Slowly I feel like our friendship became reduced to master and subordinate. And with Evangelia… I take a deep breath, just thinking about her makes my heart ache, falling in love with her wasn't rational or deliberate, and even after thirteen years, my heart is still the same.

No, not the same. I love her even more than I did before.

From the sound of her voice, her shiny black hair, beautiful obsidian eyes to her lovely laugh and fierce determination.

How could I not love a woman so… lovely.

“Foolish”, I whisper to myself, that's what I am, foolish, for staying in love with my best friend’s lover for this long. Even if I stop loving her, even if for some miracle I'm able to forget her sweet presence in my heart, would I even be able to love someone else? Or be loved by someone else?

I don't have the answers to the questions that cloud my mind everyday, so all I can do is go through another sleepless night practicing the sword, so that the pain of my muscles developing obfuscates the pain inside my chest.

LOWE

Reminiscing: 12 years ago.

Northern Magicians Tower, Exos Empire

I’m truly not traumatized. But sometimes memories I wish were gone resurface in my dreams.

The reason why is long forgotten from my brain, but it doesn't actually matter why, it was probably to cover for Raphael, when he doesn't manage to finish his own studies or fails to hold back his emotions.

Regardless of the reason, that night I was in the punishment room.

By then my ten year-old self was already used to the many tricks they used to make us more obedient, from mind-control devices, hallucinogens and even conditioning our brain in certain situations. To be honest, it was an effective method as many of my fellow experiments were either dead or already following the researchers blindly.

Raphael and I were the only ones still standing sane.

Maybe because we had each other, or it was our stubborn personality. Either way we were both the researchers biggest achievement and biggest pain.

I tended to hide and pretend to be obedient, but when Raphael slipped, well, I always stepped in to take the punishment in his stead.

At first they didn't allow it, but after realizing that allowing made us more obedient they started inflicting all punishments on me, be it Raphael’s or mine’s.

And that night wasn't any different. In a damp, dark, stuffy room, small enough only to fit a chair and another standing person, the walls made of solid lead, and the door locked with complex magic circles.

Not that at that age they were too complex for me to dispel anyway, however I couldn't, not while I didn't have a proper escape plan. Especially because I would only be able to run away once.

Tied to the chair and gagged, in front of me the researcher spoke something, but my memory is so faded that I can't remember what he said or even the expression on his face.

All I remember is him talking and walking around the chair, looking at me, before taking the first syringe.

The liquid burnt through my veins, if I wasn't gagged I would have screamed. And the moment it stopped burning, he took another one, and then another and another.

Sixteen syringes later I was on the floor, convulsing due to the diverse amount of poisons inside me. That was the first time, but not the last.

My bones felt weak, my veins burning, my muscles twitching and I swear I could even feel my organs melting.

After watching me struggle for god knows how long, the man then infused my heart with a substance they called enhancer - that was basically mana stones grinded with monster blood - before finally giving me the antidote for only half of the poisons, leaving me in that dark room until my body adapted and I was no longer trembling with pain.

Most would've died.

Many actually did.

The pain was so great that sometimes I would pass out, others I would stay there trembling, staring at the darkness as my fingers became numb due to the tightness of the rope.

But that day, the first day, was the worst one. I remember staring at the lead door, sealed shut, hoping a sliver of light would come, I didn't shed a single tear, because I knew if I did it would only hurt me more. The taste of blood, the smell of mold and the tingle sensation all over my body as my limbs grew numb, it's all still vivid in my memories.

The hours passed slowly, and I still can't really remember how long I was there, shivering up until my body fully accepted the poisons. I was lucky, lucky that my mana was strong enough to assimilate the poison, lucky that my body was compatible and able to withstand that torture session, and lucky that I was the one suffering, not Raphael.

And the way the dream always ends is when the pain finally subsides, and I think to myself: Thank you god, for allowing me another day to live.