Beep. . . Beep. . . Beep. . .

Bright white lights filled my vision as I opened my eyes, immediately shutting them back tightly. A whispered apology was spoken in the room before the lights were dimmed.

"You can open your eyes now, Mr. Gabriel." The voice was gentle, but unfamiliar.

I obeyed, noting how much easier it was to open them the second time. 

My surroundings blearily focused around me, white walls and a large window that was covered by the blinds, a machine next to my bed that never stopped beeping, and the person that must have been the one to speak to me earlier.

She was small, and I found myself relaxing instantly at her warm aura. Her hair was pulled back and she looked at me with something of a sad smile, hands crossed in front of her as she watched me from the bedside.

A stethoscope sat across her neck, and that’s when I noticed the RN tag on her lanyard. 

Letty

Her name tag read, and my eyes finally found hers. 

"Hello." I spoke, surprised at my own croaky voice. 

Her smile seemed more genuine this time as she responded in kind. 

"I would ask how you're feeling, but I doubt that’s a question you'd want to answer right now. How about this, does anything feel more off than what it should?" I appreciated that and assessed myself. 

My lower back twinged in pain, face throbbing, and I could feel a bandage under my chin. Before memories could come crashing back to me, I gave her an answer.

"Nothing concerning. How long was I out? Has anyone. . .tried visiting?"

Nerves thrummed under my skin at my own question, but I had to know.

"About 48 hours. No one has come, you told us not to contact anyone and we listened. Is there anyone I can call for you now?"

I shook my head rather abruptly at her question, fear taking hold of my throat like a rope. 

"No, please." I almost begged. 

The nurse looked stunned at my reaction and simply nodded her head. 

"Alright. The doctor wanted me to ask, would you be comfortable with a sexual assault forensic exam?”

My body tensed up instinctively at her question and before I could ask one of my own she added, “You don’t have to press charges or anything, we’ll just do the exam and store the kit.” 

The thought alone filled me with dread, but a part of me craved some form of proof that this happened. Just to confirm to myself that I wasn’t crazy. That he actually did hurt me. 

“Okay.” I could instantly tell the nurse was shocked at my easy compliance and I tried not to think about that too much. 

“Good, I’ll go let the doctor know.” The door closed softly behind her and I stared at it in her absence. 

The hospital blanket felt rough against my sensitive skin, but the chill in my veins wouldn’t let me rip it off. All I wanted was a shower—a hot one—and some clean clothes. A comfortable bed and my own fluffy blanket that didn’t grate against my nerve endings.  

The hospital gown felt like too little. I wanted to be covered head to toe, didn’t want anyone looking at me and seeing something they weren’t meant to. 

I felt stuck in a way that I couldn’t escape from and I hated it, but I took a deep breath and just waited for the next person to enter my room, hoping that it wouldn’t be him.

The rape kit, for the most part, was over before I knew it. I felt numb during the whole thing, yet tears still fell while it happened. The doctor introduced herself, but I couldn’t remember her name. Her face was a blur, as well. 

I did recall her hair, for some reason. One single braid, all the way down to her hips, and a gorgeous blonde shade. I suppose I latched onto that detail to avoid thinking of anything else. 

The whole hospital visit was foggy, honestly. When I thought of the nurse that dimmed the lights for me, I couldn’t remember what her smile looked like, or what color her eyes were. 

I couldn’t remember what I ate while I was there, either. I just knew it had been a few days at least before they finally discharged me. 

It didn’t bother me. All that mattered now was getting away from there.

Far away.

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