———
Finally. Finally the day is over. I am lying on the floor in the basement, overwhelmed by exhaustion. I feel so overwhelmingly lonely as I often do after hours and hours and hours of being threatened into shoving away my humanity. My kids come tumbling through the door. Weary and silent and soul-starved. Katapa and Anderei follow them.
"Children!" I exclaim brightly as I gather them up in a hug. Kata and Anderei also join the hug. It's so healing. They're so healing. Being able to hold them is so healing. Being able to run my fingers through Andronicha's hair and kiss Levi's cheek and nuzzle into Pavlin's cheek and kiss Mafalia's forehead. It's so incredibly healing. Rounding the sharp, jagged edges with pure sunlight. Mafalia and Levi start sobbing, followed by Pavlin and Andronicha. It's good. It's good that they're able to cry, able to express their emotions, after holding them in for so long. It's good to let it out when you need to. So many kids are denied that chance. I know I was.
At one point Lilith joins the group hug. She is always so sarcastic and so silently confident but underneath it all her emotions run like a flooded river. I think I see a few tears fall down her face too. We're all lying in a mass of warmth for maybe five minutes when Mafalia pokes her head up like a baby bird coming out of its shell.
"Pinecone!" She exclaims.
"Oh yeah!" Katapa says with brightness in her tired voice, "Pinecone!"
Anderei reaches over to grab it and we align ourselves in the corners of the small room, one kid nuzzled in each of our arms. I have Mafalia, Kata has Pavlin, Lilith has Andronicha and Anderei has Levi. The kids clumsily throw the pinecone to each other, often missing but the room is so small they don't have to reach very far to pick it up off the ground.
"Levi tell us about your dream," Katapa asks.
"Oh. Well we were all in the kitchen right? Then there was a birdy. A little red birdy. It sang a beautiful song. It bit and clawed the windows. Until they were open. Andronicha for real scared that the Towers would find out. She chased after the bird out the window. Then all the parents got scared and ran after her but she was flying. Like the bird. She laugh. And then we went after her. And all the people got so mad that we were up flying. And then we flew to the fields right? And everyone looked up at us. We dived down and took their hands and pulled them up and then they were flying and then. Then there was a storm. But we flapped our wings so hard the clouds flew away!"
"That's such a beautiful dream. So creative. Your mind is beautiful Levi." Lilith smiles softly. She hads always loved good stories.
"Yeah Levi. That was beautiful. Thanks for sharing it with us." Kata smiles and ruffles Pavlin's hair.
Andronicha turns from her conversation with Mafalia.
"That's cool!" she says, "but I wouldn't ever jump out a window just like that." Levi laughs.
"What would you do?" Anderei asks in a soft, mellow voice.
"I'd walk up to it. And I'd say 'Hi.' And I'd say, 'bad birdy why did you break the windows now we'll have to fix them ourselves.'"
"What would the bird do?" I ask.
"The bird would sing and chirp and grab my finger and pull me away."
"I'd the birdy magic?" Mafalia asks.
"It would have to be," Pavlin says, "or else how would it give us our powers?"
"Yeah it would be magic. And more importantly it's nice. It's a nice magic bird who likes to free the people and it likes to cause trouble for the Towers. And it flies across the blue sky and the Towers can't even do anything about it because it's a bird and it can just slip and fly away."
"That's such a pretty way to describe it Andronicha!" I exclaim.
"It can help us slip and fly away too, can't it?" Katapa smiles.
"Yes! Yes it can!" Mafalia exclaims. "We will become birds and fly away. We will grow wings and feathers."
"So what would you want Mafalia the birdy to look like?" Lilith asks.
"I want my feathers to be red. Like in Levi's dream. But blue on my head. Blue is my favourite colour. Like the sky is when before morning. And also big sharp claws!"
"Oh my gosh that's so pretty!" I exclaim.
"Yeah. Mafalia the bird is gorgeous. Gorgeous just like Mafalia the human. All you kids are absolutely georgeous. Levi and Pavlin and Andronicha and everyone."
"Aww thanks!" Levi exclaims. Andronicha smiles while she holds Lilith's hands in her own while Levi squirms and Mafalia arches her head up and runs her hands through my hair. Gosh they're cute. Unbelievably cute.
"What birds would you guys be?" Lilith asks.
"I would be a green and yellow and blue bird!" Pavlin exclaims. "And I would be shiny like the sunlight. And people would look at me. And they would think about home. I would sing secret songs!"
"What are secret songs? Are they like songs that have a secret message inside them?" Anderei asks.
"A secret song is a special song. The slaves know what the words in the song are. They hear the song and it reminds them of home. But the Towerpeople don't know the words. They don't even hear. And ... and I will sing all the songs the Towerpeople don't want the slaves to hear. And it will be a secret."
"Oh my gosh! That's really nice of you, Pavlin. That's a great idea. Secretive." Katapa smiles conspirationally.
"Yeah," I agree, "it is. We should find a way to do that in real life, don't you guys think so?"
I'm met with enthusiastic agreement.
"My bird would be light pink but the tips of her wings would be blue. Blue like the sky is just when it meets the ground. It would peck at the eyes of the Towerpeople. They would hate it. And I would laugh so much. It would be too fast to even see, if it wanted. And no-one could catch it!" Andronicha smiles.
We all laugh, especially Mafalia and Levi.
"That's a great idea," Anderei says in a voice like molasses. "You all have such great, incredibly, brilliant ideas. All of you. I just know that you're all going to do something great. The whole new generation is. I just know."
"Yeah," Lilith says conspirationally, "with hearts like yours, like all of yours, like all the kids' I'm sure the days of their rule are numbered. I don't know how but they are. Anyways, on with the topic."
This is all so rebellious. It's all so not allowed. How? How do they have this hope? What brought it on? I'm scared. I'm scared of what will happen when such rebellion sees the light of day. But at the same time it warms me like nothing else does.
"My bird would be red but with a black chest and head," Levi states.
"Nice," Pavlin smiles. "And we would all fly away together! Be a bird family. We have to bring the parents. I don't want to go without them."
"Yes!" Mafalia kicks her feet out, "Mama and Daddy and Aunt Nan and Aunt Kata will come too. They will be the momma and daddy birds."
"And auntie birds," I remind her.
"And the auntie birds. And all the other people would come too and they would be the friend birds and the Towerpeople would not come they would be stick on the ground and they would not even be birds. And we will cirp and chirp and we will play!"
"That's a very sweet, nice idea." Anderei's eyes sparkle with bright affection.
"Also, also, also, Aunt Nan, we will build nests in the trees and we will live in that not in the big scary house. And we will cuddle!"
"Aw that's a perfect idea!" Lilith's voice sparkles like sunlight reflecting on the water. "Now we have to go down to sleep, kiddos. Put the pinecone down for now. Let's cuddle up."
All the children voice their dissatisfaction until Katapa and I move to calm them down.
"Guys! Guys! We can cuddle up, can't we? And we will sing you guys a lullaby, okay? You guys have to rest up. Maybe you'll have some more cool dreams."
This seems to calm them down and they reluctantly settle into into their spots. Pavlin is in my arms now, and Mafalia is with Lilith. Andronicha is beside Anderei and Levi is curled up next to Katapa. Katapa starts singing. Softly, so softly. She always had such an incredibly beautiful voice.
"/The world will turn and turn and turn on./" She lyricizes into the night. "/The sun will set and the moon will shine on. The world will turn and turn and turn on. The sky will darken the stars will rise./"
I can feel Pavlin sobbing. At least they feel safe enough to express it. At least they have that.
————-
It's Wednesday. Wednesday is a curse. Wednesday is the day that everybody has to go to church. You would think that it would be a day of rest but no. We still have to work. And after the work we have to find and iron their best Wednesday clothes. We have to polish their shoes. We have to make breakfast and lunch and dinner ready and to pack lunch into the travelling boxes along with the sun powder and the hats and everything. We have to carry their baggage as they go to church. We have to serve them, and the the rest of the Towerpeople, lunch. We have to fan them while they go about their day lazing around with their friends. We have to haul their bags back. And we have to sit through a horrible church service.
I awake with dawn, my own internal clock jolting me awake this morning. I take a few breaths to calm down, and ground myself by feeling the way Levi's breaths rise and fall against my chest. I am the first one awake. I go over to shake Katapa awake. We kiss in the darkness of the cellar.
"Wednesday?" She asks, voice heavy with sleep.
"Wednesday," I reply.
"Damn."
We share one last pressed, longing kiss before shaking Anderei and Lilith awake. Then we start the task of waking up the children. They are slow to wake, wanting to cling onto the safety and support sleep offers them. They always are. But we must wake them. Today is Wednesday of all days. We have to wake even earlier than normal to get the masters ready to go to church.
"Auntie Kata the morning is cold!" Mafalia clutches Katapa grumpily.
"Mama. Give me a moment." Andronicha pleads sleepily, not quite in this world yet.
"Mom. Mom. Mom. Five more minutes," Levi begs.
Pavlin murmurs something unintelligible as they burrow closer into Anderei.
"Guys it's Wednesday. You know what that means. You have go help Momma get the food ready." Their faces become drawn and just a bit scared. Well what else did I expect? But the earilier we get down to the task, the less rushed it will have to be. They know that. And they start rising and make their way up to the kitchen.
Anderei, Katapa and I make our way to the stuffed closets of the masters. We quickly sift through the clothes until we find the ones marked for us. We carefully yet quickly iron the full, colourful dresses, the floating blouses, the silk ties and scarves, the smartly-cut suits and jackets, the shimmering shawls. And then we set them out on the clothes hangers of the masters. We find the shoes and sandals and we polish them. We give the picked-out jewlery a wipe and polish and we lay them out.
Soon we are packing the bags into the carriage and then just waiting for the masters to be done getting ready. We take this as an opportunity to socialize with Caroles, the slave who drives the carriage. He's a kind man. Quiet. Serious. He hears many secrets in his job and he keeps them hidden deep under the lids of his eyes and he takes them out and shares them in private, safe moments. He's kind, and good at stealing. The kids love him.
"Uncle Caroles, how are you?" Andronicha exclaims quietly, with mischief in her eyes.
"I'm not doing too badly little princess. I hope you're getting by not too badly as well."
"No uncle Caroles. I'm not." It's good that she is free and comfortable enough to be so honest.
"I'm sorry Princess. You deserve so much better. You truly do. How are all my other princesses and princes doing?"
"Bad. Very bad. The Towers are fatasses," Mafalia loudly exclaims.
"Oh well I'm very sorry my princess. But yes, they are very wasteful a frivolous. One day they'll get a little taste of their medicine."
"Yeah!" Mafalia exclaims with some excitement and some vindictiveness in her voice.
"They will." Pavlin smiles like they know something we don't. "I don't care what they say."
"Am I right to think that you're not doing well either, your highness?"
"I have strength." They smile weakly. They're six years old. They don't have strength. They just pretend they do sometimes as a coping mechanism. Time after time I've seen them break.
"Still, child, you deserve all the love. You deserve to not have to be strong."
Pavlin smiles again, softly.
"And Levi, my prince. How are you doing?"
"I don't want to go to the church it's big snd scary."
"I know, child. I know. Hey at least all of us will be in church with you. We can help you get through it together, okay? Hey kids. While the Tower bastards are eating their own posh-ass food, do you want some treats of your own?" He reaches into the bonnet of the carriage and pulls out a handful of candies wrapped in parchment paper.
"Where did you get these?" Anderei asks.
"I stole them, more or less. Miss Siessa had a whole big jar. She left it in the carriage. I carefully hid the jar in the bonnet, where only the slaves look, for two days. And when no-one took notice of it, I did the right thing and gave the candies to the children of the estate. And these ones are for your children. And the rest are for all the children at church." Caroles smiles and it shines like starlight in the night.
The kids cheer out thank-yous in a disorderly chorus and eagerly hold their hands out. He gives them two sweet, taffy candies each and they eagerly start opening them right away.
"Thanks." I say.
"Don't thank me. I love it when they're happy."
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