I can't keep looking at him anymore. My gaze used to be transfixed but now I don't have the energy. My head falls back and I catch a glimpse of Katapa. She is also there, held down, wrapped up in thick heavy chains. The chains glint a dead sort of shine. But Katapa's dark face drenched in fevered sweat is somehow far more beautiful. The earth-brown of her eyes somehow shines in a much more profound way than the blue sapphire and green emerald. Than the silver platinum and the red ruby. Katapa is far prettier than any jewel could ever be.

Suddenly I'm in front of Andronicha. She's six years old. I remember this. She's talking about how much she doesn't know what to do when the towerpeople talk to her like she's nothing. She doesn't know what to do when they talk like that to her. And I see her leaning up against the wall. So broken. So passionate. Like a lost princess. Like a hero wounded and weary from innumerable battles. Like something far more than that either. She is so full of life, so full of childhood. And she is so so so incredibly beautiful. I remember how much I love her. And remember telling her that she knows I'm not and idiot. I remember telling her that I'm her Aunt Nan. And I think the world of her. And if I think the world of her, that's because she means the world.

I'm in front of Anderei and Lilith now. Katapa's holding my hand. I'm fourteen. Lilith's almost black hair dips down as she laughs. She's not laughing because anything is funny. She's laughing because she's so giddy. She's trying to explain how she kissed Anderei. How it was so beautiful. Anderei's eyes are shining with hope and a surreptitious sort of victory. Because the towerpeople want us to have nothing good and sweet and beautiful. But Lilith decided to kiss him and that was more good and sweet and beautiful than anything ever could be. And all of us revel in this victory.

I'm standing in front of Pavlin now. They are three. They ask me, /why do birds fly?/ I tell them I don't know. Their eyes are too large for their face. They are too full of wisdom. And they're not satisfied with my answer. They look up. And they stay that way for a moment, lost in thought, leaning into my chest. /If I know how they flied, I will fly./ I laugh lightly. It's so adorable the way they talk. They haven't quite gotten a grip on how language works. I stare at their curious, shining face. They are right now, not scared. Not as much as they normally are. That's good. They deserve to feel safe. I tell them that maybe one day in the future people will know how birds fly. They say maybe they'll help find out the answer.

Desiree passes me some herbs the field slaves gathered for our sick Andronicha. I thank her. Her wrinkle-edged brown eyes look worried. She looks over the sleeping forms of the kids. She says that she hopes that they will be healthy. That we all will. And I'm so grateful for her. She's like magic. More than magic. The field slaves that put their necks on the line to get us medicine are more than magic. I hope against hope that I can repay them somehow. Before she has to go, we share hopeful a smile.

I'm holding an infant Mafalia in my arms. Her big, dark, beautiful eyes stare up at me and are prettier than the moon, than the night sky around the moon. I press her softly, gently against my chest. Her warmth, it lights something in my heart. It makes me feel so protective. So bright. This baby is so full of life, so full of wonder, so full of love. She's precious. I treasure the moments I have with her. She's growing so fast. That's good though. The sweet precious baby isn't as healthy as she should be. But she's alive, she's here, and I'll hold onto what little blessings we have. Her teeny, tiny itty bitty chin has a little bit of drool on it, and on her tiny soft lips. I wipe it quickly with my hand. She coos. Her voice is so cute.

I am eighteen. Katapa has just kissed me. For the first time in our lives. She is smiling and the smile looks like burning sunlight on fresh winter snow it looks like a promise it looks like heaven. It feels so right being here with her. It felt so good, so right, to have kissed her. I know that our love is a good and beautiful thing, and it is a thing we both deserve.

Levi is five years old. He is giggling. I told him that if I could, I would give him a platter full of ice cream. I said that because, he had just delivered an ice-laden crate and he had wanted to try some. He approached me with stormy eyes and an unsure voice filled with childish longing, asked if he could have some ice cream. I made up a silly story about how I'd steal their ice cream and replace it with sand right as they were eating. He laughed. There was sadness in it. But there was brightness, like a summer breeze. He looks out into the blue sky. As if he is looking for a better world. I brush a hand through his messy hair. He thanks me for the story. He says he'll give his sibling and sisters the ice cream too. And me.

It's a few months ago. When we were still happy. Lilith is telling a bedtime story. She is so good at telling stories. I hold Mafalia in my arms. Katapa has Levi, Andronicha is with Anderei. and Lilith is holding Pavlin. The kids are just about to fall asleep. It's not peaceful, not when we're all so bone-tired. But still, I am among my people.

And I love them.

I think about all the slaves. In this world. And they're my people.

And I can't explain it but I love them.

And I'm back in the Fateworld, or whatever this is. And I am feeling like I'm nothing. But it's not quite so different from every day where I feel like I'm nothing. Because as much as I feel so small, so helpless, so invisible, so broken, so devoid of humanity, I have my people. And because I have my people, there's a part of my mind that reminds me that I'm not nothing, that I'm not a thing. That we're holy. And these two forces battle in me like they always do. And in the end, I can survive. I can still feel the Fate's smug hatred but I can feel my peoples' love and I can survive.

I look at my children's parents, all three of them. Try to give them as much strength as I can through my eyes and my expression, because my voice is still too weak to work. They do the same. Outrage and determination burn in Katapa's eyes. She is a warrior who fights with her mind rather than a sword.

"I am the greatest that there will ever be!" His booming words cut into my ears. "See this chain? It represents every single one that I'm better than. It represents all the ways that I am grand. It represents all the ways that I am powerful. And it represents all the worship and glory I deserve. This glittering, jewelry platinum is made up of my superiority itself. Nothing is larger than it, it stretches on onto eternity!" Oh so that's what we are being held down by. His ideas of superiority. How fitting.

I look at Katapa, she looks at me, and something like forged steel is in her face.

"I know something larger." She states calmly yet surely, the strength of a blizzard behind her composed tone.

"No. You don't. Filth." The certainty in his words are almost physically tangible, like hot tar dripping onto us. But holy fucking fuck my soulmate is brave.

"I know something that is bigger than your glory, greater than your pride." She is so defiant, so confident, it is an amazing sight to behold. She closes her eyes. And from the the centre of the place where her body meets her neck, there materializes this little epicentre of ... some strange energy. It is both the brightest light and the darkest darkness, and everything in between. It is so much, so much, so much. And it is so ...motherly. I feel so inately and intrinsically connected to it. It is ... I can't explain what it is. But it is none of the things that hurt me and feels like everything that could heal. It looks to be no bigger than my hand yet it feels so so big, not in size but in ... in some other form of measure.

"Kata..." Anderei stares wide-eyed at her.

"Look!" Her voice is so fierce. "This is the hope of the slaves. This is the self-respect that we inspire and build in each other. These are the hopes we dare not say out loud. This is the rage that ignites within us. This is our pride and it is stronger and better than your pride. Your pride is a bloated thing that can only grow fat on the gifts that every groveller gives it. Our hope has been attacked and cut and beat on for centuries and yet it remains. Our pride has had to fight the strongest of demons and the most fierce of beasts, every single moment of every single day, and no matter how weak it gets, it does not die. No matter how much it falls, it always rises. Our pride is bigger. Measure it yourself."

Damn. She's so right.

And the Fate is seething in rage. Even how, his pride and my pride fight inside me. And yet still my pride is winning. It's bloody, it's bruised, but it's winning.

"That pathetic thing is so small. It shall never outmatch my grand gold chain. Watch, I don't even have to unentangle you and still my chain would be longer when aligned with your little drop of water. And when you see how pathetic and small and weak the hope of the slaves' is, you shall see that it is only appropriate to bow down at my feet. But before you get the chance to even do that, I shall put you in my deepest dungeons."

Katapa cringes, but continues staring him down like a lion, as he plucks the energy buzzing close to her breast. Immediately he lets out a terrible scream as it burns and frosts his hand, both at once. Somehow. He resorts to using his great shining cane to hold it. He lines it up next to the chain of his pride. And though the little dewdrop is so small, it is somehow larger than the infinite chain. Though it could quite obviously fit into Katapa's hand, it stretches on farther and farther and farther than the thick, heavy band.

He looks incredulous, crazed, and more importantly, terrified. His crowned head is still high in the air, his nose still pointing up. But his eyes look so so fucking lost.

"This is just - this is just because - because it's so coiled and twisted and draped around everything. I will show you filth! I will show you and you will see. Let me straighten this out so that I can let you behold the truth." Looking visibly disturbed, he shakes his head and the chain lets us go. We thud onto the ground, bodies aching from being held down and from hitting the floor. The chain is too wrapped in statues to straighten itself properly though. He looks frantic, and immediately gets to moving the heavy metal off of one of the statues with his magic. His concentration is not on us at all anymore. He is gone somewhere behind the rows and rows of statues, working his magic to untangle the chain. It's funny almost.

Lilith's dark eyes burn with fire, seeming blacker than raven feathers in this strange light. She seems to be both deep in thought and waiting for something.

Anderei smiles. Almost in an amused way. But, not amused at us. Amused at the Fate and how absolutely abjectly foolish the universe's supposed author is.

"Guys!" Katapa's soft interjection cut into our trance-like state. "I know we want to revel in his comedy but don't we need to run?"

Want was always surpassed by need. That was the way of things. You wanted to rest but that was surpassed by your need to work. You wanted to run away but that was surpassed by your need to stay. You wanted to yell at the towerpeople but that was surpassed by your need to be submissive. You wanted to hold the children in your community and tell them stories but that was surpassed by your need to keep fucking working. You wanted to scream but you needed to be quiet. You wanted to kill your owners, almost. You wanted food but you needed to power through the hunger. You wanted to dance but you needed to keep scrubbing. You wanted warmth but you had to keep existing while wearing thin frayed clothes. You wanted peace but you needed to push yourself into the screaming abyss. You wanted comfort but you had to keep going through your screaming body. You wanted a lot but you needed to shut your mouth, grit your teeth through the pain, and keep working, working, working like insanity personified. You wanted to do something about this. But you needed not to. Because they could and would kill your loved ones if you didn't comply. You wanted so much but you couldn't have any of it, could you?

I'm done with all this suppressing.

[scene continued in next part]