You once told me that I was like spring and you were winter. But to me, you were autumn.

I don’t remember when I started thinking of you like that or what part of you reminds me of autumn. It could be the colors of the leaves, the hot and cool temperatures, anything really. But when I think of it, I guess it started with the anticipation. Waiting for the long summer to end and go back to the cool, refreshing days and watch the leaves go through the most hauntingly beautiful part of their lives. To dream and think and wait until I could finally be with you, even if for a few moments, on the same bus.

It took a lot of courage to say the first word.

You once said I was brave, but you probably don’t know how long I’ve been riding the same bus as you, probably can’t pinpoint the exact moment when I started watching you. I can, though. Don’t think I’ll ever tell you! After all, you’re just going to laugh and tease me as I blush in the way that’s so familiar to you now. It was refreshing, honestly. A quiet, secret part of my life that was quiet and peaceful. But then I talked to you and, well, it was more like a Californian autumn than what I’m used to. At least from what I remember. The simple coolness of autumn was gone and it was hot and cold, hot and cold in the most bizarre and random spikes. A whirlwind of emotions where one day it was refreshing and comfortable and the next I was so confused about my own emotions that I simply didn’t know what to do.

The colors, maybe?

Yes, that was at least part of it. You were the vividness of fall, all the colors and warmth of the leaves. Where, in that one season, I was comfortable and content and wished that time would stop so I can enjoy our billion unforgettable moments for just a little bit longer. Just being with you made me feel a thousand and one emotions that made life without you seem dull and lifeless. The brown emptiness, green jealousy, yellow happiness, orange excitement, bright, bright red love- with you I was all of those colors and more but underneath it all was the simple happiness of being with you.

You were like sunlight.

Soft and warm and bright in a quiet way that I loved. You can’t imagine how happy I was when you hugged me. I know I cried when I discovered our mutual love but that flood of tears wasn’t even close to the blinding ball of light that filled my chest and made everything so lifelike that it felt like a dream. Sometimes you were so much happier or colder than usual but you were always there, warm and loving. I know that autumn always ends eventually but for those few weeks, I thought that it would last forever.

But it ended anyway.

When you told me you had to move with a choked voice, everything suddenly felt cold. The sun was hiding behind the dark rain clouds and my feelings were blending into one big brown color and the harsh truth of reality crashed down upon me. I wondered if I had become too soft, too used to the you that made life so much better. I knew nothing lasted but I had believed that we would be together for longer than a few weeks.

But like you always do, you made everything just a little more bearable

“One year,” you said, “one year until I’ll come back. I promise.” And just like that, the horrible emptiness was gone. The cold wasn’t quite so bitter at the reminder that the seasons are a cycle and that autumn will eventually come again, forever and forever. A winter, a spring, and a summer before the colors will come back, brighter than the ones in my memory. Another cycle before you will no longer be the ghost that I keep in my memory. Another year of anticipation.

I wonder when autumn will come again.