Lying in my bed with my eyes closed, I pondered over the day’s events. What in the Queen’s name had made me act like I did? And was that any way for a spy to act? Where did I go wrong?

I entered the mess hall nervously, my bubbly roommate Kari followed me. She immediately jumped in line, waving to a few people. Staring at the multitude of people in groups, alone, and generally just… there, it was hard not to be intimidated. In training we mostly kept to our individual regiments, and I mean we saw the other ones, but we never really gathered together… you could never know everyone, never fully scope out your competition. I guess it was training… in this crowded mess hall, I’d never know everyone’s story, I’d never know who’s dangerous and who’s not.

“Seana!” Kari yelled at me. Stupid. You’re just standing there staring. “Come on come on I’m HUNGRY!” She said, and even though I moved towards her, she felt the need to actually grab my hand and drag me to the line. My eyes widened, and I knew I wasn’t standing up straight, my boots weren’t moving in that carefully drilled rhythm, oh Queen I just stumbled.

“K-kari I’m coming, you don’t need to…” and then it was over and she was smiling at me, her curly hair going every which way. Thinking about it now, I have so many questions. Why didn’t anyone make her cut it? I’m sure it makes her an easier target if someone tried to shoot at us. But why would that matter, this is just training, what am I thinking… I’m sure it’s long enough that she can put it up.

“Seana, I know there’s a lot of people but it’s fine. It’s just the dining hall. Speaking of… what do you want to eat?” She says, her eyes seeming to search my face. I can't help seeing that face in retrospect and wondering what it is she was searching for.

“I’ll just have whatever there is.” I’m not good at… food. If it’s there, I’ll eat it. But when there’s so many options and so many conflicting opinions from the people around you, how can you not be indecisive? Spies should blend in, have whatever the person before you had…

“Seana, there’s a lot of food here, you’ll have to be more specific. And I’m asking now so that we don’t hold up the line.” Thinking about it now it strikes me. Wow… she’s so considerate… or maybe she’s afraid of people getting mad at her. At the time I was thinking about how many options there could possibly be…

“Hi Kari!” someone said, striding -no- swooping over and hugging her. This person was taller than Kari, and definitely more muscular than her, as evidenced by the fact that she was almost swept off her feet. Is this normal? Do people do stuff like that often? Is she okay with that? But my questionings were silenced as I heard her giggle.

“Hi!” she squealed out as soon as she was put down. It wasn't a pig type squeal, it was more of an… excited person squeal. I mean… I suppose that's what she is. She turned to me, and her sparkling eyes invited me closer as I realized I’d stepped back. “Seana this is one of my friends in another regiment!” she turned to him and smiles equally brightly. I suppose I should get used to that… I’m not always going to be the special one. “This is my new roommate Seana!”

“Nice to meet you Seana.” He said, finally turning away from her to look at me. His hair was cut short, short enough to pass military standards. I wonder why the males have to cut their hair so short… the females simply have to put their hair in a bun. What if the males wanted to put their hair in a bun? And what if the females wanted to shave their heads? The military standards confound me.

His wings fluttered slightly, their dark colors flashing. I can’t help but notice how close he’s standing to Kari, how his wings almost brushed her leg. I don’t even know his name, and I can’t help wondering if Kari’s purposefully not saying it. That’s what you’re supposed to do, is introduce people, right?

“Nice to meet you too.” I said, not really meaning it. I hope they can’t tell that… I’ve had training so that people can’t tell I’m lying. But I just… don’t like him. You know, because he’s obviously close with Kari, and I don’t need another person to monitor. I remember how I tried to make my own wings stay still, and I wonder what Kari’s animal attribute is. She doesn’t have wings which means she has horns… but I guess they’re small enough to hide in her volume of hair.

“So I just got back from training,” he said, leaning even closer to Kari. I wonder… Does he have personal space issues?

“Oh yeah? How’s that going? Still top of your class?” She responded, winking. Are they a couple? Do I have to worry about him being around all the time? Or maybe she’ll be with him all the time and I won’t have to worry about her…

“You know it!” he said, winking back. What’s with all the winking? “How’s your training going? Small but ferocious, right?” He said, nudging her slightly. Physical contact is a sign of affection, right?

“Ferocious enough to take you down, you big lout!” She said, laughing and shoving back. Physical contact again…

“I’d like to see you try!” he said, leaning down to her height. Is this how friends interact? Was I supposed to joke with them? Was it odd of me to be there?

“Well I’ve got to go, so it was nice seeing you,” he said, smirking slightly to Kari as he said his goodbye.

“Nice seeing you!” she said, hugging him again. She waved goodbye until he was completely gone, and then peeked around the line to see how close we were to the front. Grabbing my arm and pulling me back to her side, she turned to me with the widest smile I’d seen yet. Or maybe I was just imagining things. “Isn’t he great? He’s been one of my close friends since I’ve been here.”

I couldn’t bear to tell her that I didn’t find him as great as she obviously does. He’s a little too… something. He gives off this vibe that’s just… So very no.

“Hey, it’s alright, I know this is more people than you’re used to. But I promise, you will get used to it. And I’ll be here to help, okay?” she said happily.

“Thanks.” I said. Wow, can’t I say anything else? But what else was I supposed to say?

“Ooh ooh we’re close enough now you can see what they have! Do you waaaaant…” she says, craning her neck to see around the line. Leaning out further and almost on tiptoe, she finally saw the sign. “Chicken, a burger… or the weird slush they claim is spaghetti?”

“Watch out!” Someone said gruffly, pushing past Kari. I saw her tuck her head in, how she covered her head with her hands, and how she lost her balance. I didn’t have time to think, I was just… there. I probably should have let her fall… But Kari’s so fun and bubbly and sweet, I didn’t want to let her get hurt. So I caught her… probably not the best of positions to catch her in, but at least she didn’t hit her head.

“Kari are you alright?” I asked frantically.

“Yeah I’m fine” She said, still hunched over. I shifted my arms from around her to one around her waist and the other extended in case she needed more support. “Should’ve known… better than to give up my balance like that…” She said, finally looking up. It might’ve been my imagination… but I could’ve sworn I saw pain on her face.

“Aright. Here, stand up,” I said. My voice probably shook, heck, my hands probably shook too. But I let go of her waist after checking that her feet were firmly placed on the ground. I probably didn't need to do that.

I got exactly what Kari got. I sat down next to her, and she talked to… so many people. How can she possibly remember all those people? None of them stayed though… it was like she was a… a faerie attractor. They just kept coming to say hi, to ask how she’d been. She introduced me to all of them, but I don’t remember any of their names.

I felt extra self conscious eating. Every single bite felt like everyone was looking at me. Everything that fell out of whatever it was I was eating fell on my tray, and it felt like everyone judged how messy I was. How I couldn’t even eat properly.

I should stop thinking about it… I turn over in bed, rustling my wings so that they’re comfortable. Speaking of wings… well… Kari doesn’t have any. Her horns have got to be small enough that they hide in that fluffy, curly mess of hair. Does she purposely hide them? Is she self conscious of them? Are they even there at all? I’ve heard of people who just… don’t have horns or wings. They’re really rare though, and usually happen among the… lower classes. The peasantry.

But judging by Kari’s elaborate corsetry that takes up half the closet and less than functional choice of socks, she’s not poor.