I have a massive headache. Just… everything hurts. And I don’t feel so great… I think I might want to throw up… I feel very warm, and when I try to lift my arm to remove whatever this weight is… I find I can’t. I try, but somehow every time I feel like I might lift my arm, my brain just gives up. I want to lift my arm, I know I want to lift it… but I can’t bring myself to make it happen.

I slowly, slowly start taking stock. My leg feels oddly heavy… probably that manacle again. My hips feel like they’re being smothered, and my breathing is shallow. My mom always said I took really big breaths. We used to cuddle on weekends when I was smaller, she’d climb into bed with me and I’d curl up to her chest, and try to breath at the same time as her. She always seemed to take such quick breaths, but now I know it’s me that has slow ones. As I’m thinking about my breathing however, I try to breathe deeper. It’s oddly difficult.

My shoulders feel weird, almost like they’re in the wrong spot. It almost feels the way it felt when mom thought I wanted to dance. She said my posture was wrong, and pulled my shoulders way back. It felt really weird. This feels like that, except… less uncomfortable, I guess. I realize I’m able to move my fingers about, but my arm still refuses to move. I think of that terrible needle… I’m not sure I felt the pain or I imagined it. Dad always did say that most pain was your brain telling you what you thought you should feel, and it wasn’t actually that bad.

I have a really bad headache. This sucks. I remember mom had really bad headaches. It was cause she had really thick hair, and it was a constant weight on her head, and she used to get migraines from it. I miss mom… I miss her beautiful red hair, how she’s unafraid to say what she means, how she’s always working on something new, how she was always willing to talk to me about anything. We called anything that happened “Highschool drama”. If I was having a hard day, she’d come home and hug me, and ask me “What’s new in the land of Highschool?” and I’d tell her about my day. Sometimes, when exciting things happened, I’d slide across the floor to her and say in my best announcer voice “This time, on Highschool drama!” and we would pretend it was a TV show.

I realize I’m crying, and I realize I’m talking about my mother in past tense. She’s still alive… as... Far as I know… she’s fine. And Gran… whatever happened to Gran, I’m sure she’s fine too…

But what if they’re here? Mom, Dad, Gran and Autumn… what if they’re all here? Nobody would notice if the whole family was gone for a couple days, right? So what if nobody’s looking for me? Looking for us?

My head hurts so much… I haven’t moved an inch, and now I’m crying, on top of it all. The tears drip down the side of my face, and I hate the feeling of the wet streak heading towards my neck. “Don’t wipe them away so fast, flower. You’ll make your eyes all red and irritated.” “It’s okay to cry, flower. It doesn’t make you any less strong.” “Dear, you don’t need to hide your tears from me. I’ve cried plenty of times and it hasn’t hurt me yet.” “Aw come on, you’re gonna make me cry. Where’d the sunshine go, sis?”

I don’t know if I’ll ever see my family again. Their words are with me… what words I can remember."Come on, I told you five minutes ago.” “In one ear, out the other.” I wish I could say I remembered every precious moment with my family… but my memory isn’t great. Some days I can’t remember what I just ate, some days I can’t remember what my mom told me to do minutes before.

I don’t remember past third grade. I don’t remember a lot of things. Mom talks about birthdays I’ve had, important events in my childhood and Autumn’s… but I don’t remember. When I was younger I was worried I was like Dori from Finding Nemo. Short term memory loss, and she doesn’t remember her family…

What if I stay here long enough… years, probably… and I forget my family? The tears dripping down my cheeks intensify, and my eyes burn. Mom, Dad, Grandma, and Autumn. How long would it take to forget it all?