I am tired. I am exhausted. I had enough of dealing with the same bullshit every single day.

I promised myself that I will change, that I will become a better person and become useful to the society. 

I really, really wanted that to happen. I wanted to change it all and live a fulfilled life. Why does it have to be so difficult to move forward?

I have read countless comics and manga. Watched over hundreds of films and anime. In each tale, the main character almost began the same way; each of them have terrible pasts and have a big dream. 

One of my all time favorites, Att00k on Tit00. Illustrates a story that revolves around a young boy named Er0n Ja00ger. The boy's family was wiped out in literally a day and despite all the sadness and grieve. He swore to seek revenge for his dead parents.

Well, my life may be a little different from his... maybe quite different. But nevertheless we have roughly the same ideal, which is to change our cowardly-self into a hero. 

However, it turns out that is where I have to draw a line between the harsh reality and fantasy. In in the story, the boy has an ability that outclass other soldiers; to shift into a titan. In other cases, be it superhero movie or Shounen anime. The main character is always the one that appears to be like us, average people. Then, later, they are always the one blessed with the invincible plot Armour.

I don't have such luxury. I am a mere human with neither amazing background or powerful abilities. I hate to sallow the truth... But, I am not that great after all. Changes cannot be made overnight.

Still...

Why must I be treated like this...

I know I have been foolish and made mistakes in the past, but why won't you believe that now I am a new man...

I made my resolution. I want to be a different man, a man of my words. I want to be the hero I have always looked up to. But once again, I have been rejected...

That right. Rejected. Rejected. Rejected. 

Again and again. 

I tried to be cheerful and talk to more people, to show others that I am no longer a neet and I can be useful. What I received in exchange is the total opposite. People thought I was being creepy, a try-hard and a disgusting weeaboo that plots to do dirty things to them. 

I am hurt. I am overwhelmed with emotions. I am not ready to face this rejection right after I have made up my mind. It feels like I have made a ship to sail around the world and only to realize later that I am actually in a desert. Hopelessness and despair might be the closest description of my current feelings right now.

I don't want to go back.

I don't want to go back...

I really don't want to go back...

I just don't want to go back and face that reality again!!!

They have no idea how much I have been through. The days I spend alone. The numerous attempt to be nice to others, not to become a burden. 

They see this as disgusting? They think I am not trying hard enough? They think having a hobby that doesn't fit their is an outcast? WHO ARE THEM TO JUDGE ME? 

I recall that once, when I was in middle-school. I joined the so called "popular" team to do a group presentation project. Everyone in the class was jealous of me because they think I can slack in the team, and the then smart girl would carry me to get my distinction. 

Pffft.

I wish.

I still remember clearly that I did 95% of the research. Did the whole slide all by myself. Even typed out the presentation script for everyone in the team. I was willing and happy back then when I did this because I thought I would make some "popular" friends if I were to contribute more.

Instead, what I get after doing all those is...

"Hey! Don't you think the script is too long? Do you really expect us to say so many things in just 10 minutes? Cut it!" 

"To be honest Jin. I don't want to judge you but I really do think you are trying to be popular isn't it? Don't be such a try-hard. Please know your place!"

"Guys, don't be so mean to him. Jin, I know you are a man of culture as well, I believe you know what is the most appropriate thing to do now."

After our presentation, I walk to the teacher heads down and told him that I contributed nothing in this presentation. For that particular presentation, I got my first U grade, the lowest grade possible.

The world is full of sly people. I realized it the hard way. It doesn't matter if you change. What matters is are you willingly to lie and join the masses and discriminate against the minority. If you do that, even if you are not popular, you will not be the poor soul that was hurt.

The world is so complicated. Meaning of life? Nobody knows the answer. But I do know one thing. I have said I wanted to be successful and change for the better. Well, I know better now. It is pointless if nobody is willing to accept my change.

I want to die. Not just myself this time. I will die dragging along others that have hurt me.

I will make sure I do this right. That is the last thing I wish for.