okay so as i've told you before

you terrify me

i want to tell you why

the real reason

not the bullshit one i gave at the time

i want to so badly it tears me apart

but oh well

i probably never will

and that's fine

bc at least it's wrote down

and maybe one day i'll send you this link

and you can read it

or you'll somehow stumble upon it and know

even though i've not mentioned it

or you really

and maybe i'll move past this all one day

and then i'll send you this and say

look how it used to be for me

look how i used to feel

we were so young then

things are so different now

and maybe we'll laugh

or maybe cry

or maybe it will rekindle these feelings of terror

the best kind of terror

ah yes

the real reason for that terror

that's why we're here

isn't it

you see

when we went on that trip

i made a promise to myself

you're a charming guy

in so many ways

charismatic

physically attractive

these are the main ways

and i vowed to not let you affect me

i planned to stay away from you completely if possible

i planned to stick by my closest friend

but when we boarded that damn bus

my friend group had saved seats for each other

for everyone but me

and it came down to sitting with you or another guy

and there was no way i could have handled sitting with him

not for hours

so i chose you

and that's where the trouble began for me

because i sat

and you let me

and not even ten minutes into the trip

i felt my walls slipping

falling away

and there was nothing i could do

i was defenseless

and i knew your track record

how you treat human hearts

how you wow the socks off them

then crush them

shred them

because you don't know how not to

you had done it to a friend

i wanted nothing to do with it

but you're so charming

and i understood why they let you do it to them

because i would let you too

then

now

probably always

and i wish it weren't true

i slept on you so much that trip

except i didn't

i never fell asleep

i just wanted to be close to you

to touch you

without risking my emotions

because you have the ability to break me

and i refuse to be broken

not again

ever

so i faked sleep

and it helped

except i couldn't turn my brain off

i still can't

because i let you affect me

i broke my own vow

the only one

and now every thought is of you

about you

for you

you won't leave

and i hate it

but i long for you all the same

and i guess i don't really mind all that much

not really

that's just the spell you cast

you make me drive myself crazy

and that's part of the terror

because you have the ability to break me

because i gave you that

unwillingly

but i did all the same

and because

you're human

and humans are fragile

and they break each other so easily

just to protect their fragile selves

and they don't even realize it most of the time

and i am so scared

so so scared

of being broken

because i have been before

and i've just repaired myself

and it's such a difficult thing

to fix yourself

and i'm so scared i won't be able to do it again

and the more i talk to you

the more i feel these things

this fear

and i know that while this is one cause

there is another

a much larger one

love

don't get me wrong

i love you

i have for a couple years now

but that's friend love

that's different

i'm not in love with you

but i know i could be

it would be so easy

so damn easy

and if things continue

and time permits

i will be

see

falling in love is a strange process

it's so slow and beautiful and safe

but at the same time

it's fast and reckless and scary

is terrifying

and you can feel it every step of the way

and i'm starting to feel it

i'm beginning to fall in love with you

and i want to stop it

because it's dangerous

i want to stay cautious

i want to feel safe

not like i'm flailing through the air

but your damn charm

that's what it all comes back to

because as much as i want these things

i want you

maybe more

i'm not sure

all i know is it hurts

how much i long for you sometimes

and you make me want to be reckless

to let myself fall for you

but i'm not sure i can rely on you to catch me

and that's it

that's why i'm terrified of you

and i hate it

so damn much

and i wish i could blame you

or myself

or anything really

just something to pin all this hate for this situation on

but i can't do i keep it

along with all these words

pent up inside

waiting for the right time

though i'm not sure that there ever will be one

and lately

my motto in life has been

this is such a bad idea

but i'm doing it anyway

because i'm young and dumb

and this is my time to make these mistakes

and i guess this applies to you as well

because pursuing this will cause me pain

so it's certainly not a good idea

not by any means

so i guess

what i'm asking you

to please

just be my favourite bad idea

sincerely

a girl doing her best to stay together

07.18.2017