Dear Nobody,

After actually doing research I figured out something today. For the last few years of my life, I've been referring to a problem I have as 'Paranoia'. This problem is a voice in the back of my head telling me that everyone hates me and no one want's to be around me. A lot of people have this but my 'Paranoia' will over rule all parts of Logic in my mind. Paranoia is defined by Mental Health America as "intense anxious or fearful feelings and thoughts often related to persecution, threat, or conspiracy" now this isn't what I thought.

Paranoia in my definition wasn't that people were out to get me but more that people hate me. That everyone thinks I'm annoying and that they all wish I wasn't there. I'll even have this feeling about my family or close friends. Apparently, this is more associated with Anxiety than Paranoia.

I've been diagnosed by my Neurologist with anxiety but I've never had the money or want to see a psychiatrist. So, I let my thoughts take over me leaving me with Anxiety attacks.

The feeling that everyone, literally everyone, hates you and wishes you were gone can be so fucking crushing sometimes. A few months ago in the midst of my medical crisis, my best friend of ten years left me with out a reason why. And without a reason, Anxiety decided to come up with one. 

I had been annoying them for years and they were just staying with me to be polite. They thought I was gross because of my homosexuality and felt like I was hitting on them. They hated my entire existence. 

I had to go to school to drop off work and as I was walking I saw them whispering to a bunch of friends. They're talking about you. They never liked you in the first place. The rest of your friends are going to leave, too. Everyone is going to leave. You'll be alone and they'll all be better off without you. You're not worth putting up with. You annoy everyone as soon as they see you. Look how ugly you are. How could anyone want to be friends with you? 
I passed it off as not feeling well and sat in the parking lot for fifteen minutes trying not to hyperventilate. I was a crying mess.

You can be so vulnerable with Anxiety. Another friend hasn't texted me in a week and I'm freaking out because it's happening again I pushed someone else to the point of them not even being able to send a text. They don't care about me. No one cares about me! Who could care about someone so paranoid? Someone that can't stand it when someone takes too long to answer them? No one.

I've been misnaming my Anxiety as Paranoia for years.

Thanks for listening,

The WritingEvil