“Valerie.”

The way Elliot said her name sounded more like he was attempting not to say “Voldemort” than an actual greeting.

“Good to see you too, Eloise.” Val grinned, her perfect smile crinkling the corners of her eyes, “I assume you’ve caught on to my dastardly plan.”

Elliot frowned, “Look, Sparky, just because you spend all day with cartoonish goons doesn’t mean you should speak like one.”

Val’s eyes narrowed, “He told you?”

Elliot grinned, “No, dumbass. I guessed. You didn’t necessarily make it hard, naming conventions and all that.”

Val frowned and Elliot internally reveled in his victory.

They stood out there, glaring at each other for a moment before Val cleared her throat, “Look, I told Winn and Danny to show up around seven.”

“Why the fuck  would you do that?” Elliot asked, already taking out his phone to chastise them both for agreeing to something like this.

Val rolled her eyes, “We don’t like each other but we both care about Danny, so I figured I would sniff out your intentions and then if all goes well, we call a truce.”

Elliot looked at his nemesis as they stood outside of the bowling alley, her overalls only fastened on one shoulder and rainbow-striped sweater contrasted his sweater and khakis, he was humored by the clash of aesthetics.

“If the motivator here is Danny I suppose I can...consider  the truce.” Elliot mused, not entirely thrilled by having to spend the next hour with Valerie Sparks.

Val whipped a notepad from her pocket and jotted something down.

“What are you doing?” He asked as she put her notepad away.

“Tallying points, bitch-tits.” Val grinned, “So far you’ve got one.”

Elliot made a noise of disgust, “Right. So are we...eating together or whatever?”

“Try not to sound like I’m pulling your teeth, dude.” Val shrugged, “I just want to know your intentions with my son.”

Elliot and Val made their way into the bowling alley, Elliot offering to pay for both of their small baskets of garbage food- nachos for Val and cheese sticks for himself.

She wrote something down again as he handed the cashier his card.

He hated to admit it, more than he had ever hated anything before, but her adjacency and relationship to Danny had sparked something in his brain that wanted to impress her.

Or, in the very least, gain her approval.

He had never considered her as a person before this moment, but now that he was he had a bit of difficulty placing why he disliked her so much. It was mostly the volume at which she spoke at any given time, which hadn’t changed in the year he’d known her, but it was now more white noise than soul-crushing annoyance. She was also….nuts.

Winn had once described Val as someone you couldn’t leave alone without coming back into the room to her rolling on the floor and meowing.

He had once thought it a desperate plea for attention, but as he sat across from her he realized that perhaps it was a legitimate issue.

Am I really admitting to misjudging her? He thought, disgusted with himself.

Val cracked her knuckles before licking cheese from her fingers, “So. What are your intentions with Danny?”

“Shouldn’t you have interrogated me before  you set us up on a blind date?” Elliot asked as he took a sip of his soda.

“Dude, you’re...you.” She said with a mouthful of crushed tortilla chips, “You were supposed to just dick him down and go on your merry way, or whatever.”

Elliot choked, feeling soda burn the inside of his nose, “I beg your pardon?”

“He’s obnoxiously repressed, man.” Val shrugged, grabbing one of Elliot’s cheese sticks, “I thought maybe if I found someone who’d hit it and quit it he’d feel better and not all….virgin-y.”

Elliot coughed, trying to get the feeling of soda out of his nose, “You’re such a wonderful friend.”

Val smiled, the sarcasm missing her completely, “Thanks, dude.”

Elliot blinked in disbelief, catching his breath as he swallowed the last bit of soda taste.

“But,” Val continued, “You’ve went and made it all worse.”

“Look,” Elliot interjected, “It’s a sensitive subject for him, I’m not going to push him if he’s not ready-”

Val waved her hand, her face twisted in cartoonish disgust, “I know already.” She clasped her hands together and used a nasally voice, “Oh, Elliot is soooo understanding. Elliot is so kind, and  pretty, blah blah blah blah blah.”

Elliot stiffened, his face reddening, “He...talks about me?” And thinks I'm kind?

“Ew, gross. Don’t make that face.” Val frowned, shoveling more cheese into her mouth, “So what’s with the nice act? Does it make it more fun for you?”

“Make what  more fun for me?” Elliot asked, “You...do you honestly think I’m dragging this out for my own personal enjoyment?”

“You were  perfectly willing to blackmail him at one point.” Val said matter-of-factly.

“That’s different! That was before-” Elliot stopped himself, Before? Before what? Elliot’s chest tightened as he struggled to form a coherent sentence, “I assure you, it’s not easy, okay?”

Val’s expression seemed deeper, a genuine inquisitiveness to her hazel gaze, “Before what?”

He felt his pulse skip, a dull thudding noise in his head, What was I about to say?

“Oh damn.” Val grinned in response to his stunned silence, “Okay. So you’re both gross.”

“What?” Elliot squeaked defensively, “I was just going to say it was before...I got to know him.”

Val pointed a chip at Elliot, a blob of fluorescent orange cheese hitting his nice sweater, “No, you were going to be all gross and say it was before you fell in love with him.”

Elliot had never felt more corned and called out in his life, “Don’t be ridiculous.”

Val carried on with disgusting kissing noises as Elliot slowly slid into an existential crisis, his brain now nothing but a blue screen of death.

Elliot waved his hand in an attempt to stop her, “Look...I don’t...I haven’t…”

“It’s okay, you’ve definitely gained my approval.” Val smirked, “Hell, I’d argue we’re friends now.”

“Don’t push your luck.” He said flatly, feeling heat slowly leave his face.

“Fine, friendly acquaintances.” She corrected with a knowing smile, “Either way, I know Danny and I know how you feel now. You should probably make a move before he starts to worry you don’t find him attractive.”

“Does he worry that I’m going blind?” Elliot asked sarcastically, wordlessly offering the rest of his cheese sticks to Val.

“Ew.” She frowned, wordlessly accepting the food, “At least do it for your friendly acquaintance who has to work with him and basically lives on his couch.”

“Do what?” Elliot asked flatly, using air quotes, “Make a move?”

“Yeah, the kid spends more time in his room than my brother did when he was fifteen, it’s unhealthy.” Val said, shoving an entire cheese stick in her mouth before popping the lid off her soda to dunk another one in it, "And kind of impressive, if you consider the limited free time he does  have."

Oh god don’t think about it, don’t picture it, don’t let the thought cross your mind. You’re not strong enough for this, think of something else.

Elliot stared at Val’s ugly rainbow sweater, knowing that as long as he maintained eye contact with the beast he would never feel arousal again, “You know, usually when someone questions another’s intentions it’s a bit less...crass.”

“His thirst is suffocating to be around.” Val said with a roll of her eyes, “Besides I was totally going to give you a good grilling until you went and confessed your love for him or whatever.”

“I didn’t say that.” He huffed, fighting the current of butterfly wings in his chest.

“I mean gee, I don’t know. Sure sounded that way to me.” Val grinned, “Fine, though. You still want grilled, I can grill ya.”

“Hit me.” Elliot said, desperate to get Val off the topic of...well..that.

“Fine. So your intentions are relatively...pure.” She said slowly, “What about why  you like him?”

“I’m sorry?” Elliot felt lost by her line of questioning.

“Are you in love with him because he’s special and shit, or are you actually in love with Danny?” She asked, “It’s a simple question that my approval hinges upon.”

Elliot inhaled sharply, “I’m not in love with him.”

“Answer the question anyways.” Val said indignantly, “Pretend you are….Even though you actually are. Weirdo.”

“Well…” Elliot took another deep breath, trying to channel the part of him he knew was capable of human vulnerability, “I guess- you know you’ve put me on the spot, right?”

“You  wanted to be grilled, masochist.” Val shrugged.

“That’s fair.” Elliot said before continuing, “I think...again, not that I’m in love with Danny...yet, But I...appreciate  him for a great deal of reasons.”

Val clicked her tongue expectantly.

Elliot rolled his eyes, “I don’t know, Val. I like who he is, you know? Half the time I forget the superhero stuff until he’s only wearing the part of his get-up that’s all fitting and shit. Then I remember. Everything else is just...I don’t know, the fact that if you catch him off guard he laughs like a seal, and the way his nose scrunches when he laughs, and the fact that he thinks horrible movies are good. He actually thinks a lot of horrible things are good. Myself included.”
Elliot sighed, trying to collect his thoughts before he continued, “Despite being relatively cranky looking he’s one of the few people I know who still sees the good in stuff. I mean, I know other people who see the good in stuff too, Winn is definitely like that too, but it’s different. Most people look for the good in the world so they don’t go crazy. They’re fronting, for the most part. It’s...Danny actually  thinks that way. It’s like he’s immune to disillusionment, and he just fights so hard for the good that he does  see. He’s also the first person I’ve ever met who just kind of...plays along with my shticks. It’s kind of fun, not gonna lie. I mean...there’s a lot to love there, I guess...?”

There was a long pause as Elliot bit his lip, trying to stop the word vomit he had just let roll out to Val  of all people.

Val’s eyes stared into his for a moment, oddly cognitive before she made a loud gagging noise, pushing herself away from the table and standing.

“That-” She said after a moment, pausing to watch Elliot squirm in anticipation, “-was disgusting.”

Elliot frowned, his face beet red, “I just bared my soul  to you, Valerie.”

He stood and followed her while she made more gagging noises, “Oh god, don’t make it worse!” She yelled.

“Why are you like this?” He asked as she stopped near the entrance, staring at the bowling shoes.

Val turned, grabbing Elliot’s shoulders and looking him in the eye, “I find you annoying, but you pass.”

“Pass what?” he asked, debating on if he should point out that the feeling was more than mutual.

The door chimed, Danny and Winn walking in.

“You’ve gained my approval, you may now ask for my baby’s hand in marriage. Or dating. Or boning. Whatever comes first." She grinned.

Elliot swatted her arms away, “Shut up.”

Winn had clearly talked Danny into a change of clothes, as it was the first thing Elliot noticed when they walked in, Winn waving happily with one arm while the other was wrapped around Danny’s shoulders.

The getup was clearly a conspiratorial effort between the two of them, exploiting Elliot’s weakness for light graphic tees, dark jeans, and leather jackets.

Elliot was always acutely aware that one had to possess a certain level of cool to pull off a leather jacket, and it was a swagger he himself did not possess. Winn looked cool in them, Val even sported one and looked like a functional human being until she opened her mouth, but this? This was ridiculous.

Even Danny sported one better than he could. Although by “better than he could” Elliot also meant “Danny was the most beautiful man in existence, so of course he could.”

Elliot swallowed, making eye contact with Winn as Danny hopped into Val’s arms, the two of them spinning.

Winn’s eyebrows twitched, her expression intrigued.

Elliot hoped his expression conveyed that someday he would have his revenge.

Danny wriggled himself from Val, popping finger guns at Elliot, “Hey.”

Val winked at Elliot from behind Danny, causing Elliot to turn bright red, “H-Hey.”

“How bad was it?” Danny asked, looking over at Val.

“No, you were going to be all gross and say it was before you fell in love with him.”

“IT WAS FINE.” Elliot said, a little too loudly, clearly his throat as his friends exchanged glances, “It was alright. It’s okay. We’re friends  now.”

Get your fucking shit together, Edison. What the hell is wrong with you?

“Friends?” Danny asked, incredulously.

Elliot’s heart was pounding erratically, “Yeah.”

Winn elbowed Val, “Is this true?”

Val beamed, Winking at Elliot, “Yep.”

“Scandalous.” Winn grinned, “Come on, Val. Let’s go get the lanes.”

Val happily followed behind Winn.

“W-Where are your glasses?” Elliot said, scrambling for something he could say that made any sense.

Danny straightened his jacket collar self consciously, “Does it look bad?”

“Oh god no.” Elliot wheezed before he could stop himself, “I thought the fact I was visibly shaken was kinda proving that.”

Suddenly, Danny slipped his arms around Elliot’s waist, pulling him closer, “Good. Just making sure. Winn told me how competitive you are, so I thought it would be a fun chance to try playing dirty.”

“You treacherous snake.” Elliot said, struggling to remember how to breathe.

Danny removed himself, Elliot feeling nothing heat so he barely noticed, “Come on, sailor. Your ass is grass.”