It's just that easy. I feel I heartbeat. Truly feel it, inside, like it was mine. And then I stop it. I know I can do it. And the Tigress wants me to do it.
So I sit on a cliff, behind a descending army. Full fey, no human in sight. But completely outnumbered. I see the army in front of me, the human one. It overcrowds the opposite cliff and disappears off into the horizon. And I look at the Tigress beside me. She watches me like she's waiting for me to back down, but I've already come too far.
'I can do it. I know I can.'
I don't say it to convince myself. The fact that I can get rid of that whole army is just that. A fact.
She nods. 'At my mark, Sakura.'
I nod, too. It's an incredibly serious moment. I look back at the armies approaching each other. How small the Fey army is, compared to the human one. And I think about the unfairness of the situation. The true Fey army is all the way to the other side of the continent, fighting a war that is not theirs. And what we have left? The weak ones who, even with their magic, stand little chance. The humans are big in numbers and hold what I can sense are magic shields. The fey's powers will be lucky to dent them. And I'm suddenly angry. Angry at those humans, so afraid of what they do not understand and so eager to destroy it. I see the armies have almost come face to face, both sides with weapons drawn, both sides set on slaughter.
I can feel my nails hurting the inside of my palms from the tightness of my fists as the Tigress says 'Now!', and I do it before any of them have the chance I. I feel one of the humans' hearts. I feel it, and I become it. And then I expand. Suddenly, I have tens of hearts, hundreds, maybe thousands. I hold them all in an invisible grip, eyes closed, feeling every heartbeat of every human soldier. And then the grip tightness, I can feel panic, their panic, gasping for air as they go down one by one. And they stay down.
I open my eyes. And all I can see is how they all fell. Again and again. Every and each one of them. Falling. Dead.
I can hear the Tigress saying something, but I am too lost to understand it. They fell. They're all dead. And I did it. I'm nauseous. All I want to do is sit down and throw up. And then maybe throw myself off a cliff.
I can't feel anything, but somehow I feel it all. And I can't stop seeing them fall.
The Tigress seems to be pleased. Even proud of my work. And I fleetingly wonder how could someone be so proud of murder. Of slaughter.
_______________________________________________________________
We just arrived back from the war camp. Once inside, I go straight to my room. And Ashryin is waiting there. And I can't help myself.
'Ash.' my voice breaks before I can say anything else.
She turns around, and she seems so happy. I cannot comprehend how she can be so happy when my vision's all dark.
'Sak! We won! I heard all the humans just collapsed before the fighting even got to start! Can you believe it?'
There's so much hope and amusement in her voice. Too much. I can't stand it. I break apart, start crying ugly and fall to the floor.
A few seconds later, I can feel she sat down next to me, by the door. She also closed it. In my current state, my mind must be overworking, because I can hear Ash thinking. I haven't heard her think since Ice taught me to keep out of people's minds, but now it's like she's screaming it at me. She can't want to be touched now. I wouldn't.
'No,' I hear myself say. At least I hope I said it. I might have sent her the thought, hard to know, through all these sobs and tears. 'please hold me.'
So she does. She puts her hands around me, and our crossed feet intertwine, and she slowly pats my back. That calms me, she knows it. I don't know if I'm worthy of being soothed like this though. After what I've just done.
A while later, I don't know exactly how long, we both sit on my bed. My face is puffy from crying and I've just wiped my tears on the blanket.
'Thank you.' I say, my voice more than a little bit wobbly.
She doesn't smile. She usually smiles when she is thanked. It's her way of saying 'you're welcome'. But she does nod, and her eyes seem to bore into me.
'What happened?'
I take a deep breath. I am going to tell I, she's going to find out either way, the Tigress won't wait to make it big news.
'I did it.'
Her eyes go big like saucers. She knows exactly what I'm talking about, but I still say, 'I killed all those people.'
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