From eighth grade up to tenth, I was a loner.

Not entirely.

I had two friends I could hang out with during lunch yet I never felt connected to them. So yeah, maybe that could count as completely being a loner.

I didn't mean that I prefer to be by myself but could still talk to others when necessary, no. I mean, I was not able to speak one word to people even when my teacher had told us to collaborate with your group.

Funny thing was, my heart would always sink down when the teacher mention working with partners or groups. I would then try to slowly drag my feet to my group as I prayed for the bell to ring soon. Then, I wouldn't have to be concerned about exposing myself to other people.

I couldn't remember if I looked down on the papers with directions about what we were supposed to do in the class or if I actually had the guts to look at the people talking. At the back of my mind, I calculated how much each person in my group talked. On certain occasions, had I find someone like me, I would slightly feel less pressured to contribute and rejoice silently. Most of the times, though, in my head, it would become a game of who was to speak first between the two of us extremely quiet people and I always lost. Someone asks what we should do for the project, I pretend to think about it and hope that they don't find out that I wasn't really thinking about our group work because I was too focused on being unable to speak up.

During the times when I actually had an opinion, someone would be always faster than me at voicing their opinions. The me who still contemplated whether I should share the information with my group mates. Every time it was like that.

I'd silently curse at the back of my mind when a teacher marked my work missing and I actually turned it in.

If it was up to me, I would let the matter go and pretend nothing ever happened, but my mom was different. She would force me to tell my teacher about it and, of course, I wasn't able to. Then, I'd urge my mom to let it slide but she wouldn't. She would message my teachers about everything she found wrong in my school's online grade book.

I actually remember one of my teachers tell her that it should be me confronting her about my grades and not my mom. No one knew that better than me. But I still couldn't. I was too weak.

Thankfully, I am now on my way to being so comfortable with the social scene. It's easier for me to focus on my goals now :)

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Sorry about this haha! I'm ending this part here because I don't want to bore you guys too much :) I feel like I still can't clearly express my loners years yet. I have been greatly in denial about it and it's still fresh on my mind.