“What defines a person’s existence? A name? An identity? Status? What if you had none of these? Do you still exist?” -- Entry No. 0023
On the night of lightning storms, I woke up alone in the middle of nowhere with towering trees that seemed to swallow my sight. It was dark. The shadows were dancing as the wind howled and the skies rumbled. Streaks of light flashed without end, as the thunders roared and clapped like a beast chasing its prey. The rain poured like an endless torrent of grief.
The only thing that I remembered was falling and nothing else. What happened before my fall? I don’t know. My name? Where I came from? Nothing. I couldn’t remember anything else. I didn’t know anything. Nothing but fear.
I remember fear. I remember feeling afraid. Fear not for myself, but for someone else. Someone else that I had to protect. Did I fail? Or did I succeed? Did someone else protect me? Or, was the duty to protect only for me? Who am I? What was my purpose? Who was it that I had to protect? I felt so confused. All these questions. No one to answer. Not even me. It felt like a black mist that seemed to want to constrict me. I was trapped.
It was cold. It was very cold. But I felt numb. As if I have lost something precious. Like an empty shell. How can I know if it was truly precious, when I cannot remember? I have forgotten. Something precious, and I could not remember. Have I failed to protect that person? Who was that person?
Helplessness. It was utter helplessness that overwhelmed my senses. How could I remember something very important, when I don’t even know my name?
I don't know how or why. But, I remember dragging myself across the ground for some shelter. Just A little bit of shelter from the pouring rain.
“I know…. Mother…”
“Not much time…. Run”
“they know… not safe…”
“He’s waiting for us to get there…”
“…. alive…stay…alive…stay…alive…alive...stay… stay…”
“Stoooop!!!” I half screamed half gasped. My head was going to burst from the whispers. Voices. So many voices in my head. Like a crowd whispering under water. The echoes of thunder and lightning overlapped with their voices. I don’t understand. I whimpered in pain. My small body flinched from every little movement. It hurts. I wanted to curl as tight as I can. But I couldn’t. I could feel everything. The pounding pain in my head. The scalding pain on my skin, as if I hot fire was licking every patch of my skin. And yet I felt cold. So very cold. As if a ball of ice was embedded in my stomach. I could almost hear my bones freezing and breaking. As if cracks were creeping all over my body. Was I breaking? It hurt. I wanted it to end. My heart felt like it would burst at any moment. It was beating ferociously. Like a prey running for its life.
It felt like an eternity. A never-ending moment. As if time did not exist.
If my heart stopped, will everything end? Will this pain disappear? Will everything fade away? Did I really exist? Who was I? Who am I? Will I still know? Before everything ends? Will this pain even end? That person? Who was it that I needed to protect?
Stay…alive! Stay…alive!... alive… alive… stay…alive…