Its been what feels like an eternity since Elise left. I haven't left my bed, and I'm not sure that I really want to. Although I felt comfortable telling Elise about my sexuality I'm not really comfortable with telling everyone else. Especially not any of my teammates, being on the football team is hard enough I don't need my sexuality complicating things. I get along with the boys and they're all pretty great about things but to be honest guys are pretty shitty about stuff like this. I can't blame them thats the way we were raised, being gay in the black community is frowned upon. 

Most of the black community would rather believe the gay community does not exist. I know my momma does. I know she doesn't try to make it known and she isn't outwardly a homophobe but she flinches when she see's a gay couple walking down the street or on TV. Maybe its because we're Baptist and most of us go to the same church that preaches against my sin. 

And well mental health is just not talked about at all. Momma had to learn the hard way about mental health. When Lena tried to kill herself is when Momma started to believe in the sickness. Lena was sick for a long time and no one paid her any mind. She would come home and go straight to bed and that was only if she left the house at all. Lena's six years older than I am, I used to ask her all the time when I was little if she was okay. She'd always say, "Bub, I'll be okay someday." When she survived her attempt she changed. She said "god had a plan and she better find it," she went to counseling and now she smiles. 

I don't think Lena would care. I think she knows already. In a way its our little secret that remains unspoken.

I hear the front door open and it snaps me out of my thoughts.