I never really understood my feelings. I don't mean all of my feelings, of course. I know when I'm happy or sad, most of the time, but as far as I know – I've never been in love. Ok, so this may sound weird (or not) but I kind of want to be in love. To be honest, I never thought much of it. I never thought I needed to be in love, I remember even being happy or proud not loving someone, being left out on all the drama, but maybe I just read and watch to many romance stuff with a hell lot of drama. But somehow, I wanted to love and be loved at some point, and not one without the other.
I've been confessed to twice in my life, if I recall it correctly. The first time was in fourth grade, I think. It was a girl in my class and I rejected her. The second time was from a boy I knew through twitter. It was during summer break after my eleventh school year. I didn't know much about him at the time. He understood that I didn't feel the same and we're still friends. As for me, I never really felt in love. Being attracted to someone at most, and then solely because of their looks (what can I say, I'm a sucker for muscular, handsome men).
Well, although I was fine with having no one special at first, I eventually wanted to know what it felt like, you know? Maybe my very late puberty kicked in, who knows. Anyway, I know that sounded very selfish, but I also get reminded of it pretty much all of the time, even though it's not intentional. I have to admit, it kind of made me feel left out? I don't know. I wanted to be in a healthy relationship with a guy I love who also loved me back. I wondered if that was too much to ask, just being happy with someone special. But it's no wonder being at a disadvantaged position when you're a closet homosexual, more so in school, where almost every gay guy, if there are some, is in the closet too. It is for these moments that I wish I had a gaydar. Sigh. So when you're gay and in a relationship in school, I envy you. Though it hasn't been a problem for me, because I never loved someone – up until now.
You may wonder what I mean by that. Well, by that I mean, I could be crushing on someone. And by someone I mean someone unattainable. Someone straight. I'm not 100% sure, but I'd like to think I've enough evidence. His name is Jack and in case of looks he's probably one of the most handsome guys in my class, if not the most. He's muscular, has short hair, a little styled (like every boy basically), not too tall or too short, but still taller than me. So basically, exactly my type. His face (faces are important ok) is probably the best part of his appearance, eyes and mouth in particular.
I just can't help but let out a sigh every time I see him, partly because it reminds me of the things I'll never have, and can't help but die a little one the inside when he laughs. Hell, even his voice and the way he walks is just perfect. For the first time in like, ever, I could have a crush. And nothing more, a crush. For now. It could become something far more worse, if you know what I mean. You could argue that he's maybe in the closet like me, but even if he's gay, bi, pan, or still has to figure things out – he doesn't see me as more than a classmate. And I doubt that will ever change. Someone like him would never love someone like me, not in a million years from now on, trust me. So I already know it's hopeless, though that doesn't mean I'm fine with it. Probably makes me feel worse, knowing that my first love interest will never love me back. Not that it's his fault or anything, you know, being straight and all. Maybe I'll never have a normal relationship before I'm 30, or ever. Maybe I'll get a dog or something.
Anyway, back to my story, or whatever this is, I realized I kind of liked him at the end of eleventh grade, during a school trip. No, wait, maybe even before that, although that was probably just attraction. But like fate has fun watching my world burn, we both went to the same place for the trip – London (the other two options were Barcelona and Rome). Before the trip we were informed that we would stay in rooms for four people each. I knew I wouldn't be in the same room with Jack, as much as I wished to be. Instead, I shared a room with my 3 friends Peter, Julian and Quinton.
On the day of our flight, we had to meet at the school at 3am. From there on we took a bus to the airport. I didn't sit next to Jack, obviously. Arriving at the airport pretty tired and around 6am, we checked in and waited for our plane to land. I drank some coffee at McDonald's and waited there with my friends. Fortunately it had free Wi-Fi, so the hour long wait went by quickly. I knew I wouldn't sit next to Jack in the plane either, but wishing never did any harm. 12 D. At least I got the best seat – next to the corridor. Walking to our constellation, I tried walking close to Jack without creating suspicion, but I just felt like a little puppy following his unsuspecting owner, seeking for attention. I just hoped it wasn't too obvious.