2.
So, I realized I only talked about his looks – until now, that is. I mean, yes, I like him (or maybe just attracted) mainly because of his looks, but seriously, he's almost perfect! By my standards. I don't know what I would change to make him look better, honestly. Don't get me wrong, he also has one of the best personalities of all the other guys in my class. Kind, funny, intelligent, he helps others when they need it and his smile is gorgeous, just saying. He's really everything I want in a guy inside and out. It's like the universe is making fun of me, making him straight, or not even setting him up as a potential friend. Maybe I'm scared, maybe we're just not meant to be anything at all. Sigh.
Anyway, let's change the topic to something else (can't promise it'll be less depressing). Do you know the feeling when you just don't want certain people hanging out with other people? Ok, that sounded a little bit weird or vague, so let me clarify: Do you know the feeling when people are giving their attention to other people, but you want that attention instead? It's not like I hate either of them, you know. It's their business with who they want to talk to, not mine. How could I? When they're laughing and having fun together, what right do I have being envious? None. Just thinking about it makes me feel bad.
Why am I telling you all this? Jack, of course. When he is talking to his friends, laughing, or worse, when he spends time with girls, or has a better relationship with my friends than I have with him (which involves just him greeting them occasionally), I get reminded yet again of what I'll never have. On the other side, I can feel that with other people too, of course. But with them it's just not the same as with Jack. He really is perfect, no doubt. I won't deny that I sometimes imagine myself together with him, if you know what I mean. That feeling in your stomach, like you're sick, but it feels good in some way. I wonder if these are the butterflies everyone is talking about. Making my heart beat faster in the slightest, just imagining him shirtless. NOT being compared to actually seeing it, of course. More than twice.
The flight to London was over quickly and I used the time to continue on a little story called 'The Lonely Boy'. I sat next to a stranger and across the plane corridor sat one of the two teachers who supervised us, Kyle. Writing, I almost always get anxious when someone is nearby, like they want to read it (most of the time they want to). Normally I wouldn't care that much – when I don't write about depressing gay stuff and put it all in a 'dramatic' short story, that is. I don't want that drama in my life. For now, only my friends and my whole twitter know I'm gay, and for now, I want it to stay that way. And even so, I don't even want them to know what I'm writing about, because it's embarrassing and 'real life'-related. And more so I don't want them to know that I have a crush on someone, or even write about it. And I certainly don't want them to know who.
After we arrived in London, I found out pretty early that it was freezing there. After stepping out of the plane, to be exact. I knew that much before we flew, but stupid old me only packed one long shirt and 6 T-shirts. So you can imagine – I was cold almost all the time, but it wasn't something I wasn't used to either. To be honest, I could say it was what made this trip to one of the best things that ever happened to me, and let me tell you why (not now, I mean through this story, sorry to disappoint). We got to our hotel by the tube, which was our mode of transport for that week. The only problem though – it was always 20 degrees hotter in there, than it was on the outside, it was full almost all the time and some trains on some lines where not entirely soundproof, which made the whole journey a deafening experience, to say at least. That didn't stop me from trying to stay near Jack all the time (if I could), though.
It was still too early to enter our rooms, so our group kind of explored the city. And with 'exploring the city' I mean getting a boring old tour guide to show us around 'Green Park'. We got our train tickets for the week at the airport, so we could use it all the time without paying – and so we did. I stayed near Jack, glancing at him at every possible opportunity. When we arrived at our stop, we walked to the park and were an hour too early. We could walk around the park on our own and split in groups. The temptation to follow Jack and his friends was there, obviously, but I knew that it would look weird. I settled on a bench with my friends, near our meeting point, and ate some candy I bought earlier. We decided to walk around the park before going back. We saw Jack's group and I glanced at him. He looked at me. Or at our group, it's the same. I, of course, averted my gaze immediately and pretended like nothing happened. It was drizzling. We continued to walk to our meeting point. It started to rain more heavily. I opened my pocket umbrella.
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