The hospital kept me for about 5 hours before releasing me, with a little persuading from Lex. I got stitches and antibiotics and I was asked the types of things you’d expect in this situation: how was I involved in this, who were the shooters, what were their motives. It was a huge complicated mess! Luckily one of the officers was a close, gifted friend of Felix. Without too much hassle I was taken care of, processed and sent home. Lex begged me to come stay with them or at least stay with Kirstie, but I just wanted to be alone for a while. I just wanted time to think.
Going through something like this made things look different, it made the reality of death hit you hard enough to shift your priorities and views. It made me miss my family. That night I called my parents, my mom knew something was wrong but I managed to convince her it was just the nightmares, and my dad talked my ear off about his new novel. They both reminded me that God will protect me, that everything happens for a reason. Those words comforted me. They raised us in church, that’s why I keep a Bible by my bed. I didn’t have to understand why this all was happening, sometimes you need to get lost to find your way.
I decided to call my brothers, starting with Trevor. He was always very serious and quiet, when I was younger and closer to him it was easy just talking to him while he listened, but as I’ve gotten older and our relationship has changed, the thought of facing his stern voice and evaluating silence unnerved me. Still, I missed him.
I dialed and hit call, fidgeting with the hem of my sheets waiting for him to pick up.
“Hello.” His deep, stern voice rang out from the other side of the line.
“Hey, Trev.” I replied meekly, afraid that I might’ve interrupted him.
“Hey, little one. How are you?”
“Uhh… I’ve been better.” I had an overwhelming urge to tell him everything. About the dreams, the Rykers. About the things I’ve learned and about how I was in a gun fight. I needed comfort, the kind of comfort only someone who watched you grow, someone who’s protected you could provide.
“Yeah... mom told us the nightmares are back.” He said, and I know if I was there with him he’d be patting my back right now. I knew him very well, and he knew me even better. “But I get the feeling that something else has happened.”
I want to tell him I’m scared and confused, that I’m tired and physically hurting. But all I can manage is a sob I can’t hold back anymore.
“Little one, what’s wrong? Tell me what’s going on?” His voice is stern but worried.
“Is she ok?” I hear distantly from his side of the phone, I instantly recognize Wesley’s voice.
“I don’t know yet.” He shouts back at him. There’s some commotion on his end.
“Hey Livvy, tell me what’s going on. Did something bad happen?” Wesley asks in his most convincing cop voice. They sound slightly distant, telling me I’m on speaker. I smile, imagining their faces scrunched up in worry.
“No, no.” I lie. I couldn’t bear it if they thought I was crazy. “I just miss you guys, a lot.” That part was true.
“We miss you too Livvy.” Wesley says and I can hear the soft smile in his voice.
“So, we haven’t talked in forever, tell me everything! How’s the wife and baby? And how’s the Jeep and cop life?” I’m smiling now, feeling better after hearing their voices. We talked for what seemed like minutes but was really nearly 4 hours, catching up and reconnecting. By the time we hung up I felt relaxed and happy.
“Are you sure you’re ok, Livvy? There’s no one I need to come rough up for you?” Wesley said sweetly.
“I think this is a little out of your jurisdiction, Officer Hayle.” I joke.
“You know if somethings going on, we’ll come get you. The flight’s not that long…” Trevor adds in, not feeling satisfied with my response.
“I know. I’m ok.” I reply, smiling to myself “You guys keep me updated on things, I don’t like always getting my info from Mom and Dad!”
“I know, I’m sorry. We were gonna call and tell you about the baby, but we wanted to send you a surprise t-shirt or something, but Mom just had to spoil it!” Trevor chuckles.
“I’m not sorry. Maybe if we keep you in the dark enough you’ll come get your info in person!” Wesley scolds, making me laugh hysterically.
“I was actually thinking about coming back for a bit sometime soon.”
“Well, make it happen!” They said together. They didn’t have those crazy super connected moments often, but they did happen.
“I love you guys, a lot.”
“We love you too, little one.” Trevor says, sounding oddly sad.
“And we really wish you were home…” Wesley says quietly.
“Me too…”
Sleep alluded me. My thoughts drifting to one thing: Why didn’t I just go home? Why not just leave this all and go back to the people who care for me? No matter what memories of mine I find again, it doesn’t change who I am and who I called my family. I lived a happy and safe life back home, who’s to say I can’t do it again. But every time I convinced myself that going back to my family was right and justified, one simple truth broke it down. I’ll never be free of the things haunting me until I find the parts of myself that I lost. I was no quitter, and it was time I took back whatever someone took from me when I was a little girl. With that steely determination, I drifted off into sleep.
**********
THUD.
I shot out of bed, nearly tumbling off it in the process. I ran to the lights and flicked them all on, not wanting anything clouding my vision. I raced to the kitchen and grabbed a knife, ready to defend myself.
THUD. THUD. THUD. THUD. THUD.
Just like in the last dream, someone was banging on the door with a fury.
There was silence, so thick I could feel it seeping into my bones. I began to shake violently, trembling in every inch of my body.
Then, without warning, the door crashed in, splintering into a thousand little pieces.
A woman screamed, a gut wrenching sound. I frantically looked around for the source but there was no one here. The door that just burst open is still on its hinges.
BANG. A gun shot sounds out near me, I flinch and turn to the source. Still, nothing.
“NO!” A man cries out, and I feel him shove me out of his way.
“Where are they?!” A gruff voice shouts out harshly.
“THEY’RE NOT HERE, JUST LEAVE THEM ALONE!” The man screams.
BANG. The gun shot so close I can feel the heat near my chest.
I stumble back in fright and slip on some warm liquid. I keep looking for someone else in here, but I’m all alone.
“Go, find them!” The gruff voice commands.
Feet step all over me, pressing me further into the invisible liquid. I get up and begin ripping my apartment apart, looking for something, anything.
BANG. I’m startled by another gun shot near the door.
Heavy footsteps approach me.
BANG. BANG. BANG. Each shot ringing out in quick succession, followed by the heavy thud of bodies I can't see hitting the floor. Something strange possesses me and I race to the coat closet, hurling myself in and locking it.
**********
A sharp ring from my phone wakes me. I scramble around in confusion, not recognizing where I am. As my vision clears, I realize I’m in the coat closet. Last night’s dream coming into focus. It felt so real, like I was in a haunted house with angry ghosts, desperately trying to be seen or heard. I nearly forgot about my phone ringing. I gingerly climbed to my feet and opened the doors to my closet, slowly making my way to my bedside, stopping dead in my tracks upon seeing the knife on the floor. This was getting out of hand! If I don’t find a solution soon, I’m afraid I might actually hurt someone…
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