I really love my pals. Kyle, the nerdy one, always with his head in the clouds or in something science-y. Sam, the athletic one, always ready with a football to throw or a soccer ball to kick. Severus, the fashion one, always looking in all mirrors and constantly fixing his hair. Though they can be very irritating sometimes, I would never want to lose them. The only thing missing in the squad is beauty (Severus says that he is the beauty, but just — no), so I want Drew here too. Just thinking about him makes me horny, and when I see that he is seated at the bench just before me I need to hold my books in my lap. I am awakened by a sudden hit in the back of the head; Kyle must have tried to throw a football and now I have to face the consequences.

- Hey, Erich, you fine? You looked distant, so I wanted to get you down to earth.

Of course. It was no mistake, Sam aimed very well.

- Well, he was deeply focused on the back of Drew, looks like someone is becoming a little faggot!

Why Severus, why? Wrong word, wrong place, wrong everything. 

- Ehm no, I just drifted away in my thoughts. So, how did the game go yesterday, Sam?

- Hey, Drew?

- Yes?

- Did that little faggot of yours really die of strangling? Or was it because you fucked him so bad he died of turn-off?

- Y.. yo… you…

Drew bursts in tears and rushes out of the classroom. I want nothing more than to comfort him and feel his warm body against mine, but I have to sit still and laugh to keep up the show. My friends high five me, and the guilt grows yet more. Thankfully, the bell rings, and I have a free hour.

- Yo, wanna follow us to the supermarket? We are going to get some energy drinks for later on, they have a sale on them now!

- I don’t feel very well. I think I should just stay here and rest.

- Oh sucks, man. Should we buy any for you?

- Nah, it’s ok. Don’t stress yourselves, and see you in Chem.

To the common room, then you can cry. Then. When I enter the common room, I dart for my usual crying spot in the corner. There even is a Erich-shaped hollowing in the sofa there. As soon as I hit the soft fabric, the tears start to come, and with them the hard feelings.

It is the same ones as last time, and I still haven’t found any answers to their questions.

Why am I even here? 

What did I do to deserve this life? 

My parents doesn’t like me, my friends only like my facade, and I just bullied my f*cking crush so hard that he cried. 

Why, life? Karma? For what? 

And on top on that, the demi/ace thingy. THERE ARE SO MUCH ACEPHOBIA! 

Why though? 

I guess that you maybe could be upset about boys wanting to copulate with each other, but to not want to have sex? Or only wanting to have it with the one you love?

What is bad with that?

Is it because I am a boy and society wants me to copulate all time? 

Oh please. 

Do I deserve life?

Should I just end it? 

Nobody but my friends like me, and they only like my outermost layer and I just bullied the crush of my life so hard that he started to weep and ran away. 

Why? 

For what? 

Also, to make matters worse, the ace stuffs. Why are there acephobia though?

I guess that you maybe could be upset about boys wanting to have sex with each other, but to not want to copulate all the and wanting to be in love before the sex? 

Sounds like a virtue to me, and what is bad with that? 

Is it because I am a boy and…

After almost a whole hour of crying and being harsh on myself, the alarm on my phone sounds. Oh, I need to go to Chem. Better dry the tears and put on the mask again. Can’t let them in, can’t let them see.

At the lockers I pick up my textbooks and pencils, and walk away to the science room. I pick a seat in the back, since I know that Djennifer likes to be in the front and therefore Drew will also be there. It will be nice to finally have a break from him and be able to just focuse on the chemistry. The lesson starts well: I take notes and experiment well, and Sam and I even get a compliment from the teacher who usually have two sticks up his ass. However, as the lesson proceeds to the end, Drew is walking towards me. Sh*t. Just keep the cool and this will go fine.

- Erich, what did you get on the last question? I got it to five, but Djennifer got it to seven so I think I’m wrong on that one.

- Er… I… I g-got it to six, I think.

- Well, no one wiser by that. Guess I’ll have to go ask the teacher.

- Yep, I know no more.

Crash! Down on the floor there is a beaker, in a thousand and one pieces. In my left hand, there are no beaker. I first don’t get it: where is my beaker, and why is there a shattered one on the floor? After a while, the solution emerges: I must have dropped my beaker while talking to Drew. He is gone since long now, so I bend down to clean up the mess. 

After five minutes, I have finally cleaned up on the floor. I go to the cafeteria, just to find Severus, Kyle and Sam leaving.

- Hey, we just finished. Where were you?

- I dropped a beaker by accident, and I needed to clean it up.

- Well, we are going out in town. You following?

- Nope, I have to eat lunch and then study.

- See you at Physics then!

- See you!

They depart, and I go and pick up some food. The only seats left in the cafeteria is the ones in the back, so I sit there. No one wants to sit with me, so I finish my lunch quickly and pick up my stuff from the locker. Outside the science room, there is a bench. I sit down on it, and doze off for a little while.

During Physics and Biology I am barely awake; trying to not draw attention to me or interact with Drew in any way. If I did, my heart would be ripped in two this very instant, and I just don’t have the energy to keep calm and have the straight face and suffer a heartbreak at the same time. When the bell finally rings, I hurry to my locker and take my clothes; I want nothing more than a nice soft bed and some tea at the moment.

I meet him outside the school, where he sits in his red cabriolet. Usually my cousin picks me up, since his shift and my school day ends at the same time, but something must have happened so now Dad of all people are picking me up. Riding with Dad is nothing that I look forward too, although there are worse things to do with him. However, I have to get in or I will pay later, so I open the door and fasten the belt. The silence is awkward, but at least nothing has happened or been said yet. We continue the whole ride in silence, and when he parks at home I happily emerge from the car and rush for my room.

I really love my room, it is so cozy. Purple and black are the dominant colors, with a hint of silver and white here and there. The color scheme is soothing, and helps me relax after school. I wrap myself in the fluffy black covers of my bed, lighten a candle (color? Purple of course) and fetch my pencils and papers. After a quick visit to the kitchen (I love black currant tea) I put on soft music and put the pencils to the paper.

Most times I hear when Dad is coming and can hide the drawings, but today I’m so focused and tired that I actually don’t hear him. He opens my door and I try to pull the papers away, but he has already seen all he needed too.

- Since when did I raise you like this?

- But…

- No “but”s! We have talked about this before, and I don’t want my son to draw boys and flowers. Are you a sissy! Or even a — faggot?

- Please Dad, it was not meant in that way, and you know it.

- No, but I know one thing, and that is that drawing in general and especially drawing flowers and cute things is not for men. You are not worthy of being male, you deserve to be an eunuch.

I am left speechless. My dad wants me castrated rather than this? I’m just drawing, does it hurt anyone? While I stand wondering, he leaves and slam the door.

It takes a while to get back to reality, and when I get back my mind races in all negative directions. It is awful and I want it to end, so I seek comfort in the razor. 

Zip.

I stare at the blood and wince in pain; my left arm hurts. Ouch. You’re worthy of that, body, for not warning me about Dad’s arrival. 

The bed is soft and comforting, and cleanses a way a bit of my angst (I can’t believe I really cut myself!) but it is still there. Don’t you go to hell for stuffs like this? What if anyone notices and asks? What if it gets infected and I die? Although, that wouldn’t be as bad right now, not as bad as everybody is telling me it’ll be at least.

However, today is not a day of dying. I want to see Drew more, and I’m pretty sure I won’t if I die right now. So I better get a bandaid on that wound before it gets infected.

As I sneak to the bathroom, Dad call me to come and eat supper. The bandaid will have to wait. 

While we eat in the kitchen, Dad talks about his latest assignment at work. I listen with an ear, and nod at appropriate times. Suddenly, he stops talking. What did I do now? Did I lose my fork, like the beaker? Did I take too many carrots? The realization strikes me hard: unconsciously, I pulled the sleeves of my sweatshirt up, exposing the scars. He stutters, unable to find words, but finally he exlaims that we will “talk after supper”. That is him trying to be sneaky about the fact that he’s gonna spank me later, and I still haven’t figured out a way to escape it. Running, hiding, everything. I’ve tried it, and it just doesn’t work. He gets my in the end anyhow, and since he punishes me more if I’ve been avoiding the whip I don’t do it anymore.

I eat the rest of my supper slowly, savoring every bite, but the moment must come. Off with the shirt, watch out for the whip, and pray that it will be easy. 

Today is not. 

I get twenty whips for cutting myself. It will be hard to explain at P.E.; I’ll have to change in the bathroom.

I finally put on that bandaid, and also some bandages for my back. Brushing my teeth, I silently curse him over and over. When in bed, my anger slowly fades to give room for other feeling: guilt, sadness, fear. The tears come, and I don’t stop them. They keep running until I fall asleep on the wrong side of midnight. 

I will have to get some sleep during the breaks tomorrow.