Killian's mood wasn't getting any better. He could feel it, the soul deep apathy taking up the better part of his insides. They had a show in less than an hour and nothing was working.

"Lian!" Conner called, his smile wide in a way that almost annoyed Killian.

So Killian didn't bother to answer, just remained where he was, sitting on the leather sofa in the green room of a new town. Wasn't this supposed to be exciting? Killian was sure that he was supposed to be feeling something, but it was so hard to care.

"Ye've got to be seeing the crowd out there!" Conner insisted, but he didn't push, he just plopped himself down gracelessly next to his younger brother. Killian was unimpressed.

"This is hardly our first show." Killian pointed out. He felt the truth of the sentence almost physically though, because a part of him remembered that show. Killian had flown during that show. He'd connected to the music in a soul deep level, he'd connected to the crowd for the first time since he'd picked up a guitar and he sung the lyrics just as loudly as any fan. Where was all of that feeling now?

"I guess, but I'm still nervous every show." Conner admitted with a self-conscious smile.

Killian quirked a small smile back, acknowledging the statement but not giving it any merit.

"Did ye take yer pills?" This was asked quietly, like Conner was afraid of saying the words, but Killian didn't have it in him to be angry at Conner. Maybe it was the apathy, maybe it was because he knew Connor cared, either way it didn't change his answer.

"Yes." Simple, but so very complicated.

"Then ye'll be okay. Doc said it takes time to get the mix just right, but we'll find one for ye." Conner was always so careful around his Depression.

Killian couldn't help capitalizing the word in his mind. Like the name of an enemy they all faced together. Except Killian was the only one on the front lines.

"Of course I'll be okay." He replied smiling a little wider. Killian hated this part.

"Good!" Conner countered with a pat to Killian's back and a quick and brotherly kiss on his cheek. Killian tried to swat after him but Conner was too fast. "I'm going to go check on our instruments so ye don't have to worry about doing it later."

And with that, he was off and Killian was allowed to drop his smile.

His insides twisted with the acid taste of the mask he slipped on and off every day. He'd done it so well for years but it was getting harder, not easier. The pills, the therapy, the support, all of the attempts at helping him overcome his own mind, but they all just pressed in.

Only one thing spoke to him on a level nothing else could. Music. But now, even that was failing him.

Maybe it's time.

The morbid thought came unbidden and Killian wanted to cry, but he didn't feel it. He didn't feel a lot of things anymore. This was supposed to be sad right? Thinking about suicide was supposed to be sad. He was sure of it.

It was like he was watching his own life from outside of it, floating around unable to attach or connect to anyone or anything around him. Nothing reached him anymore and part of Lian was afraid that nothing would.

Not even Conner, bless him, brought Lian out of himself. How was he supposed to live like this, how long was he expected to hold out before suicide seemed the logical solution.

"Ye alright there boyo?" Declan's voice brought Lian out of his thoughts as he looked up at their drummer.

Cute and understanding Declan who had lost his father after the man came back from his third tour in the Marines. The fact that the man had killed himself always made Lian feel uncomfortable around his band mate. As if his own mental issues were a reminder of the man's father's.

"I'm fine. Ready to get out there? Krystal is playing the cello for 'Collared' and I know how much you love to stare." Lian managed to sound teasing, but his expression must have been less than enthusiastic because the other man just frowned at him.

"Not yet okay?" Declan breathed softly, like he was afraid of what his words would cause. "I know what ye're thinking. But hold out just a little longer, please Killian."

Lian reeled back like he'd been struck, the air leaving his lungs as the soft green eyes looked at him with sincerity.

Just like that, Declan turned away from him and made his way out of the green room.

It took Lian a while to force himself to breathe, though he could feel the panic attack creeping in on his cold bones as he wrapped his pale arms around himself and rocked back and forth.

"Mr. O'Connell?"

Lian focused on the manager who's been with them since the start of their career, the woman was short and pretty, with features like an elven creature, but her fierce eyes held promise. She was tough and professional as well as likable, something Conner had insisted in anyone who had to spend any amount of time around Lian.

"I'm coming Tania."

The manager looked him over critically with her bright blue eyes, her black hair held back in a rather long ponytail.

"Take a breath and be on stage in seven minutes or we're getting Ryan to take over." She said softly. She'd long ago lost the Russian accent that Lian had once found delightful, but that didn't stop certain words from catching the tail end of her heritage.

"Will do." Lian insisted, just wanting to be left alone for a little longer. Soon enough he would get on a stage in front of hundreds and play his music for them. Share a part of himself with them all.

Sometimes Lian wondered if that hadn't been the reason why he'd lost himself entirely.

"After this we travel to Boston. I've got a group lined up for Conner to watch. They're very good Lian. You should go with him this time." Tania's voice seemed to change from the tough-as-nails manager, to the caring guardian she'd become to them over the past three years. She'd speak these words every time before a show, only the location changing. Yet every time, Lian would decline.

"Ye know what? I think I will." He told her with a small nod. What was the point in saying no anyways, nothing had come from it before.

Tania's eyes widened slightly, but she regained her professionalism quickly enough. Lian couldn't even find amusement in him for throwing her off.

"Alright then." She stated firmly before giving him a nod and walking away.

Lian allowed himself only a few minutes to debate his choice, before the matter no longer seemed to matter at all. Whether he went or not, nothing would change. Nothing ever did for him anymore.