First of all, I want to say sorry for being MIA these past weeks! I have been trying to go out and explore my campus and also keep up with my school works. My deepest apologies. To make it up to you guys, I would try to post everyday until the month ends! How about that? :)

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I am a weird person.

No, not the type of weird you are thinking about who likes to make silly faces in front of the camera or someone who makes weird noises. Not even the normal type of weird.

I like talking to people, I feel a connected to almost every person I talk to, but at the same time, I don't feel like I have to maintain a relationship with them. I just acknowledge the happy feelings I felt with that person and move on with my life. Because I see potential emotional connection to the bunch of people around me, I don't feel the need to foster a committed relationship with another person. In short, I am not the type of person to pursue close friendship. 

This have been bothering me since middle school because I did not find happiness in what my peers were and are still into. Netflix, for example. I do not have an account nor do I consistently watch movies. I do not like TV shows and if you ask me about which celebrity have became recently popular, I would be clueless as heck. And the main one that seem to catch most people off-guard is: I do not listen to music.

Do you hear that? A sound effect of minds exploding left and right.

Yep, I do not feel joy when I listen to music, I am indifferent to it. I do not get why people would continuously listen to a song they like if the lyrics would always be the same. I can tell when someone is a good singer but I do not feel goosebumps whenever I hear someone sing. But I still feel happiness whenever I read good stories and feel my heart clench at the demise of the characters I like. I still feel amazing when I dance to the beats of certain songs, it's just that music is not one of the things that I find interest in.

Recently, I realized, music plays a huge part in society. From the commonness of talking about going to a concert to the random conversations about the singer of the song playing in the background of your cafeteria, to the people bonding over song lyrics at parties while you stand there and try to lip sync to the song with them. It is all over. But I still do not get it. Lots of my friends tell me I haven't found the right song for me yet, but I listened to different song genres for years and nothing really stuck.

Add not liking music to being completely clueless about pop-culture, you can pretty much tell how hard it would be to start up conversations with others. 

Actually, no. It is quite easy to start conversations, what I find hard to do is to maintain them. People like watching netflix during their free time, I don't. People want to listen to music and possibly have some song exchange with their friends at one point where they each listen to the other's song choice, but I don't even have a favorite music. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just too individualistic and stubborn for my own good. Maybe I should try to conform and pretend I liked music? But no, I would go insane pretending to like something I really don't.

What I want and really am passionate about is self-improvement. I want to conquer my fears, be a better public speaker and a great leader. I want to learn how to discipline myself and pursue something that would make me want to get up in the morning thirty to fifty years down the road. I do not think most people have the same goals, or at least, they are not actively seeking it. Having a normal life with a normal family (or slightly higher than) like everyone else does not appeal to me. Not to say I look down on people who want those things, in fact, I envy them because they at least do not have to worry about others' judgement on being too different from everyone else.

Sometimes I feel like I should just kill this ambitious part of me and live like similar to how others live. But, I cannot see myself doing so. So for now, my action is to find people who think similar to me. People who have gigantic dreams that no one would be certain we could achieve. I want people who feel a longing in their chest for something bigger, something to change and/or understand the world.

In that sense, I am oh so weird.