I lay spread-eagled on the hillside and stare up at the sky. Sometimes it is an empty blue-gray. Other times clouds slowly rush by. Unmoving, I watch them pass. I imagine I can feel the Earth spinning beneath me.

A small bird lands on my forehead, pecks curiously at it, then tugs at a fraying edge of my hood before flying away. Rabbits hop through the grass, and one briefly shelters at my side. A hawk catches another not far away, and I hear its scream.

I will lie here. I will lie here until earth and weeds fill my joints and I can no longer move. I will lie here as birds build nests on my face and gophers burrow under my back. I will lie here until my core finally fails, until I pass into oblivion and the last memory of humanity is lost, and I will lie here still, until I am buried and gone, and I will lie still, with all of humanity’s eternal, indestructible detritus, until the end of time.

There is no point to my existence. I am nothing; a messy, broken thing, hastily thrown together from spare parts, upon whom was carelessly placed the hopes of a race that was already dead. Nothing is gained by my existence. Nothing would be lost by my end.

I don’t have the ability to sleep, but I can dream. I let go of the barriers I spent years building and let the memories flood my mind.

It is our wedding, and I watch it from both perspectives. It is the happiest day of my life. I am filled with an unnatural calm. I am overcome with burning nervousness. He’s so handsome in his suit. Her smile is so beautiful. When the vows are said, and the rings exchanged, we are finally in perfect accord. The sun is shining, her dress is shining, everything is shining and white and it is beautiful and perfect and the kiss lasts forever, and not nearly long enough…

In my restless nervousness, I barely hear her speech, although I know it must be a good one. It lasts an eternity, it is over in a heartbeat. I take off my cap, an edge digging into my palm, the tassel blown by the wind, swinging wildly. I put it back on. Her speech is over, I heard every word and remember none of it. It’s my turn now. I have been ready for weeks, I will never be ready. I stand. My legs are trembling. I stride towards the stage. None of my nervousness shows, nothing ever shows, I am a perfect actor, I am confidence personified. I can feel my heartbeat. This never gets easier. I reach the mic. I take a breath. I begin to speak…

My voice is an avalanche. With every word I dig the hole deeper, feel the wound tear wider. I cannot stop speaking. I am screaming, she is screaming and if I stop there will be nothing to hold back the tears. I feel an ugly knot in my stomach that grows with each word. It tells me I am in the wrong. I shout that I am in the right. How dare she say I’m not. Something shatters. She turns, and it is over. It is broken beyond repair and good riddance and why did I do this…

Something breaks. The ground crumbles under my feet. As if in slow motion, I feel the earth give way, feel myself tip, and know that I will fall. I try to leap back to safe ground but I can’t, I am falling, falling backwards in a shower of loose dirt, looking up at the cliff edge and the bright blue sky and I hit the ground and that is the end for a long time…