Some women dream of being mothers. I use to dream of that all the time. I had a happy family, a good husband. However, everything changed when I lost him. All happiness was gone.

The baby would cry and cry. My toddler would follow me wherever I go. I would literally go to work and come back to my home only to work again. I would clean only for my child to go behind me and tear it to ruins again.

Soon, my thoughts became dark. In my head, I thought of many ways to kill myself. Jumping off the bridge may work. It is over 250 feet. I could do it. I kept pushing those thoughts from my head only for them to come back later.

Every day was a repetitive nightmare for me. I would wake, go to work, and then come home to my children. My job is where I was the happiest. It was the only place that gave me peace.

I had peace from the screaming, messes, and a child constantly on my hip. I could eat lunch without rushing through it, because someone needs a diaper change.

Everything was frustrating me. The longer I was alone with my children, the more sadness grew. I no longer seen anything great in them. They were just burdens keeping me from living my life.

Without them, maybe someone could love me again. Maybe I could get a second chance. I started fantasizing on what it would be like without children. I would have a clean house, a full wallet, and a quiet place.

Carbon monoxide works wonders. I just left them with the sitter, and when all three of them parished while I was working, it was written off as a accident. No one knew I planned it out.

Finally, I was free. I started dating again. I wore make up again. I could do things for myself once more. I could sleep peacefully. The weeks went by without stress or worries. 

"Mommy, I'm thirsty." I awoke in a cold sweat. I knew I had heard his voice. I must be going mad. I do not feel guilty. The next few nights, it intensified. I could hear the baby's cries. Please stop. This isn't real. I do not feel guilty.

How many days has it been since I last slept. I can hear them playing in their rooms. I know they aren't there. I just wanted peace. Was that too much to ask? Any mother would have done the same in my situation. I do not feel guilty. 

My nerves are getting to me. I have to stop this. They are getting louder and closer. Mommy, mommy, mommy, all the time! I did what I did to make it stop. I'll just take a few sleeping pills. Surely, I can sleep through the night.

I awoke once again. He was standing over my bed, hand outstretched. "Mommy," he said," I'm so glad you decided to come play with us now." I sat up afraid and moved backwards . 

I hit something cold on my bed. Turning my head, I discovered my body. I had died in my sleep. Being with my children was my hell. This is my punishment.