Evening in the throne room. Hermes is lounging on his throne and Theseus is sitting on the one next to him. Demetria stands next to Hermes. Zelda and Helene enter.

THESEUS

(Coming down from his throne and welcoming them with opening arms.)

Thank you for coming. I know that the Fairy Tale Fulfilment Agency is incredibly busy.

ZELDA

(Pushes him away.)

Yes, yes. So…

(Pulls out a clipboard and a pen and starts taking notes.)

What seems to be the problem?

HERMES

I’ll tell you what’s wrong. No one’s happy here.

DEMETRIA

What? How can you say that, my darling? You woke me with true love’s kiss, I’m queen, and this is our happily ever after.

HERMES

(Aside.)

Maybe for you.

DEMETRIA

What did you say to me?

HERMES

Nothing, darling. I didn’t say anything to you.

DEMETRIA

Yes, but I know you’re talking about me under your breath.

THESEUS

Do you see what I’m dealing with here?

ZELDA

Hmm. Yes. I will have to speak with everyone involved individually, including you.

THESEUS

Me? Why me?

ZELDA

In truth, I will need to talk to everyone in this town. The file said that this town was overrun with happily ever after problems of all kinds so we have to interview everyone to see just how much work we have to do. Helene, will you talk with Hermes while I talk with Theseus?

HELENE

Uh…sure…

(Low to Zelda)

I’m not good at talking to people. I thought this was going to be more of a coffee-fetching job and I’d gain experience in the field over time. That’s how it worked in my last job.

ZELDA

Nah. We’re more of “a learn from real-life experience” type of company. You’ll be fine. Just speak from the heart. I guess.

(To Theseus.)

Sorry about that.

(Poising pen above clipboard ready to take notes.)

Tell me everything and don’t leave anything out.

(They talk off to the side.)

HELENE

Okay…So…Your Highness, may I speak to you alone for a minute?

HERMES

Sure.

DEMETRIA

What are you doing, darling? Are you trying to sneak away to talk about me behind my back again?

HELENE

Don’t worry, Princess Demetria, I won’t keep him from you for too long. I just want to ask him a few questions. Is that okay with you?

DEMETRIA

Huh! I guess.

HELENE

Good.

(Pulling Hermes aside.)

So…what’s on your mind?

HERMES

Uh…not much…I guess…

HELENE

Come on. It’s pretty obvious that this happily ever after is not making you very happy. Don’t lie to me.

HERMES

Well…I’m just not in love with her.

HELENE

But you woke her with true love’s kiss.

HERMES

I kissed her because it was what my story dictated, but it’s not what I wanted.

HELENE

Well then, what did you want? Why don’t you describe your ideal happy ending for me?

HERMES

I don’t know. Princes don’t normally get a say in their happily ever after. We’re supposed to save the princess and sit on the throne, but we’re not allowed to choose the princess we kiss.

HELENE

But if you did get a choice, what would you want?

HERMES

If I had a choice, I guess I would want…Shouldn’t you be writing all of this down?

HELENE

Nah, I’ll remember it! Fairies have really good memories!!! Some of us can even remember the feeling when the gods sculpted us from clay.

(Shutters.)

That’s one memory that I don’t want.

HERMES

Okay… Well, I guess that I would want someone who’s kind and brilliant as well as regal and strong. Someone who is loyal and is powerful while also being responsible and following the laws. Someone who is handsome and would make a good prince. I mean—

HELENE

Oh, I see!!!

HERMES

But—

HELENE

Keep in mind that you can’t lie to a fairy.

HERMES

You’re right. I meant what I said. It just slipped out.

HELENE

(Leans in and puts a hand on his shoulder. Low.)

Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me.

(Steps back again.)

So, basically, you’re looking for someone who is the perfect prince charming? Am I getting that right?

HERMES

SH! I thought you said it was safe with you.

HELENE

Well, yeah, I’m not going to be announcing it to the world, but they’re going to have to know about it eventually. Especially if you get married. Which you will if your ending is in my hands!!!

HERMES

But what will people think if they—

HELENE

Nope! No buts! I may be just an intern, but I have a lot of passion for this! I can do this!!! I promise you will get your happy ending!!! That is the Fairy Tale Fulfillment Agency promise.

HERMES

Go ahead, but I’m not holding my breath.

HELENE

Why would you? If you did, you would be dead.

HERMES

Right…

HELENE

If that’s all, then—

DEMETRIA

(Crosses to Helene and Hermes.)

What are you talking about over here? You better not be talking about me.

(Aside.)

Yes, you should. Hermes should be bragging all about me.

HELENE

His Highness and I were talking about happily ever afters. What about you? Are you unhappy with your happy ending?

DEMETRIA

Of course not! Why would I?

(Goes over to Hermes and wraps her arms around his.)

I have everything I could possibly need.

HELENE

It may be what you want, but do you think it’s what you need? And besides, have you thought about Hermes’s wants at all?

DEMETRIA

No. Why should his wants matter? All that matters is that I’m happy, and that we will be happy together forever. That’s the meaning of happily ever after.

HELENE

Just because you’re happy doesn’t mean that he’s happy.

DEMETRIA

And why should it matter that he’s unhappy as long as I’m happy?

HELENE

(Aside.)

No wonder he’s not interested in princesses if this how all of them act.

(To Demetria.)

Do you really think that you’re happy? Or are you just acting as your story dictates you to act?

DEMETRIA

Don’t try those philosophical questions with me! I don’t need to think outside the box because I have everything I need right here.

HELENE

(Aside.)

Now I understand why they say the princesses in fairy tales have no agency.

(To Demetria and Hermes.)

Well, just so you know, I’m giving Hermes his real happy ending so if you don’t figure something out, you’re going to be left all alone.

DEMETRIA

What? Hermes, darling, is this true?

HERMES

I…I guess.

DEMETRIA

Why? Aren’t you happy?

HELENE

No. That’s the whole point of our agency. And I think that you’re not all that happy either!

DEMETRIA

What? How could you know that?

HELENE

So you admit it! Did you hear that everyone? The perfect princess Demetria just admitted that she might not be all that happy with her happy ending!!!

DEMETRIA

What? I never said that!

ZELDA

(Herds Helene away from Demetria.)

Helene, darling, you’re getting a little carried away. Don’t you think?

HELENE

I was just asking Hermes some harmless questions—

DEMETRIA

Harmless?!? You were making him doubt our happily ever after and calling me a liar!!!

HELENE

No one that one-dimensional could be anything but a fraud!!! She’s been lying so long that she’s starting to believe her own lie!!!

ZELDA

Yes, yes, well done. Now, let’s head into town. They’re celebrating the Midsummer. We can do some reconnaissance and discuss this over some mugs of marzipan beer.

HELENE

I guess I do love myself a cup of marzipan beer.

ZELDA

(Aside.)

Of course you do. Everyone, especially fairies, does.

THESEUS

Yes, that sounds like a good idea. Why don’t I escort you?

ZELDA

Thank you, but you should leave this work to the experts. Besides, you have a lot of work to do here.

(Aside.)

Because you’re doing sooooo much by sitting on your arses and doing nothing.

(To Theseus.)

Aside from that, you can’t really go on an infiltration mission. You’re a prince and that will make it hard for us to do our job.

THESEUS

Of course. I will leave you to it.

ZELDA

Good.

(Grabs Helene and starts to pull her towards the door.)

Now. If you’ll excuse us, we will be on our way.

HELENE

(Being dragged out.)

You better pay for my drink. Marzipan beer is expensive and I’m not getting a salary. Not to mention I’m still in school! Come to think of it, am I even old enough to drink marzipan beer?

(Continues ranting. Zelda rolls her eyes. They exit. The scene fades out.)