It was a little like going asleep. She felt a comforting heaviness come over her, then relaxation, and then unconsciousness. There was a moment of nothing and then a light in the nothing. She tried to look in the direction of the light but it seemed to move every time she turned her attention towards it. She wanted to move towards it, but she couldn't feel her strong four legs under her anymore. She couldn't feel any of her body, but it didn't bother her. She felt like she was floating free and content. She ignored the light and it moved closer to her and then further away. She focused on it and it got smaller and smaller until it was just a singular point of light. It twinkled.
Once it began twinkling she noticed that there were other little lights that were twinkling. Many lights. A million stars. Just was confused at what she was seeing. Where was she? Was this heaven? She looked around and started to become aware of herself. She felt out of place. She felt so light. So fragile. So not herself. She began to realize something was wrong. Her body. It didn't feel right though. She took a deep breath and it felt so small. She was so small. Her body was tingling like she had slept wrong and it had fallen asleep. Slowly the tingling subsided, and she had feeling in her fingers and hands. She stretched them and felt like she had not moved in hours. Fingers. She had fingers and toes. She was human. She was back. She was Rose.
Upon realizing who, what, and where she was Rose immediately tried to sit up and banged her head into the starfield above her. She remembered too late that she was in a tube. Around her the liquid that had enveloped her was receding, but she remained warm. She was confused though. What had happened? How long had she been gone? How old was she? She was breathing fast and felt an army of violent butterflies beating in her stomach. She wanted to get out. She needed to know what was going on. She grunted a couple of times before remembering how to form different sounds.
"Hey...hey...hey," Rose said first quietly and then louder after she cleared her throat. The tank was almost empty now and she was just waiting for the lid to open. She had never been claustrophobic before, but she could feel it's terror now. She pushed against the lid with her hands and it didn't even move an inch. She balled her hands into fists and slammed them against the sides.
"Let me out," she tried to say but the words were garbled and messy. She was impatient and felt a cold sweat soaking her underarms. She brought her hands to her face and covered it in frustration. She could feel her skin was so wrinkled. She must be so old now. It must have been years. Outside the world must have forgotten about her...or worse. What if something had happened while she was in here and everybody is gone? Dead. What was she going to do?
The liquid finished draining out and the stars faded away. She feared for a second that she would be trapped inside but then she heard a seal break and air escape. A crack of light formed around her as the lid slowly arose. She reached up and tried to push it to open faster but it didn't budge. She reluctantly waited and tried to listen for noises in the room. It was eerily silent. There was no one there to greet her or check on her. Something bad must have happened. Her arms tingled uncomfortably with anxiety and she tried to slow her racing thoughts. The lid finally finished its path upwards, but she hesitated now. Once she sat up and looked around it would start, the rest of her life in this new world and whatever was left of it.
Rose waited a little longer. At least here she felt safe. Outside of this tank, though, were the answers to her questions. Answers she feared but knew that she had to face. She took a deep breath and put her hands on the edge of the tank. She started to sit up but felt stiff. As she slowly sat up, working through the stiffness in her back and extremities, the room filled with a low warm white light. She looked around and the room was empty. She let out a deep breath that she didn't realize she was holding. She cracked her neck and rolled her shoulders to loosen herself up and then slowly climbed out. As she stepped down onto the step stool she realized that, though, she should have been wet from the liquid, but she was dry. The little bit of liquid that remained rolled off her like rain drops off a duck’s back. She put both feet firmly on the floor but had to quickly reach back and steady herself. She didn't feel dizzy or weak but off balance. She felt weird. She could feel that something was missing.
She was suddenly inundated with the realization of what she was missing. The body that she had just lived in for so many years was gone. She felt like three quarters of herself had been lopped off. Now she was dizzy and sick at her stomach. The loss crushed her. She stumbled backwards and sat down heavily on the steps. She felt like the entire ocean had just been emptied on her head and she couldn't breathe or process the staggering amount of loss that was consuming her. Rose cried.
Everything that she had been for the past decades was gone and the absence ached like a phantom limb. She buried her face in her hands and wailed. It felt unbearable. She continued to cry for long minutes until she felt empty and numb. How could it all be gone. It was one thing to die after living a lifetime but to go on living knowing what you have lost was cruel torture. She sobbed and looked back at the tank. She was just beginning to think about climbing back in and re-engaging the process when the entrance to the room cracked open with an escape of air.
Rose looked up with a start. Bright light from the doorway cut through the room and she realized how dark it was in here. She stood up and took a cautious step toward the doorway.
"Is somebody there," she questioned as she wiped tears away from her cheeks. She paused and listened for something; anything.
"Is some...," she began to ask again but was interrupted by a kind voice from outside the door.
"It's ok ma'am. You can come out now," the soft voice said. It was comforting and friendly and encouraged her to walk forward. She arrived at the door hugging herself. The air outside was much cooler and was already changing the comfort level in the room. She reached out and pulled the door open more. A young Japanese woman with long straight blonde hair appeared and smiled at her warmly. Rose frowned at her and blinked a few times. There was something familiar about her. Something from her past. She slowly walked towards the woman and took her hand as she extended it out to her.
"Everything will be ok," the woman reassured her. "I know it is a shock to you, but I promise it gets easier. Just come with me." She followed her towards a sofa on the opposite side of the room that she had walked into. On the opposite wall there was a large window pane that was the same size as the room. It was covered with a soft black mesh that reduced the severity of the sunlight. Outside the window was an enclosed area full of beautiful lush greenery and flowers. Rose looked around the room and then back at the woman who was trying to get her to sit with her on the sofa.
"When is it," she asked. "I mean what years is it. How long was I..."
"I know this is hard to believe," the woman said carefully. "You were only in the Experience for a couple of hours."
Rose tried to respond. She tried to make a noise. All she could do was open her mouth, but nothing came out. She grabbed the woman by her arm and squeezed. The woman flinched but remained calm.
"Everything will be ok," the woman said. "Please sit with me for a moment." The woman sat and tugged on Rose’s arm to accompany her but she was frozen. "Look at me, Rose. It's ok, everything is going to be OK. This will pass soon," she tried to reassure her. "Like a dream."
"But it wasn't a dream...it wasn't," Rose said as she started to cry. "It was real, all of it. All of me." Rose shook her head and squeezed her eyes closed. She just couldn't process what had happened. "All that time. All those years...it was a lifetime. How was I only gone for 2 hours? It's just not possible. I experienced so much, I lived so much. I had children, and a family. Oh my god! My family! They had to be real because if they weren't..." Rose's voice trailed off as she realized the conclusion.
"I'm so sorry ma'am. I understand your pain, but it will pass soon."
"No! It will pass soon?" She yelled at the woman. "I don't want it to pass. I don't want them to be gone. If they fade away like a dream, then nothing will be left of them. I loved them. I lived with them for so many years and cared for them."
"I know ma'am, believe me I am so sorry."
"You don't know," Rose sobbed. "How could you possibly..."
"Because I lived the Experience too," the young women said in a broken voice.
Rose immediately became quite but her tears flowed freely as she listened to the now emotional woman. "I’m Amana by the way. So, when I came to work here, it's uh, it's required to live it to train for the job. " The woman looked down at her hands as she talked. "I am, I was born uhm...different from other girls. The doctors told me my whole life, I guess to prepare me, but it always felt like they were throwing it in my face. Anyway, I can't have children, so I chose to Experience..."
"No, you don't have to do this. I'm sorry. I can't imagine...," Rose said trying to comfort the woman now.
"It's ok. I don't mind. I know it will help you, and that's my job."
"Thank you but really," Rose said still crying but more in control now.
"It's ok. It sort of helps me too," the woman said sad but calm. "It helps me not to forget them too.” She paused for a second and took a deep breath. “So, I lived the Experience of a mother. I fell in love, made love, and made a family. It was a large happy family. Christmas was my favorite time of year. All of ours. There were so many smiles, and laughter...joy. My babies loved me, and I lived for them.” She stopped as tears blurred her vision. Rose’s own sadness was replaced with a profound sadness for this woman. “So many memories,” she said with a giggle. “Bruised knees, chases around the house, first dates, car wrecks, dinners….you know, life. Happiness and sadness but it was life. My life. Anyway, I grew old and they grew up. They had children of their own, but they visited weekly while I lived happily with my husband and our cats. It was perfect. Beyond perfect really, it was everything I could have hoped for. And then at the end of my life, I died.” The woman paused for a moment. The room was dead quiet, and Rose held her breathe. “I woke up. There in the room. There were people surrounding me, checking over me to make sure I was ok. It was very jolting to wake up from that and see all those faces around you. They've changed that now. They learned that it was much less jarring to your mind if you were just given some space and time to readjust.”
“Anyways, I was pretty much like you. I couldn’t comprehend what had happened. I had forgotten entirely about this world and had embraced the other as reality. To find out it was all a dream was...is crushing.” Tears poured down her face and Rose hugged her tightly. For a moment they sat together in silence and comforted each other.
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